We rarely see movie characters spell out their plans before enacting them, because that would be no fun -- usually they'll just wink, say, "Trust me, I have a plan," and then the movie will reveal the plan through a series of surprising plot twists. However, we suspect that the real reason they don't tell us the plans out front is because, most of the time, they'd sound pretty stupid if you said them out loud.
For instance ...
#6. Return of the Jedi -- Luke Puts Together the Worst Escape Plan Imaginable
Return of the Jedi opens with one of the most famous rescue missions ever filmed, as Luke Skywalker and his friends go save a frozen Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt's palace. It's so exciting, you forget how impossibly stupid the plan is.
The first part of Luke's plan (apparently) consists of getting each and every one of his friends captured by Jabba, one by one. First he sends R2-D2 and C-3PO into the palace with a message of negotiation and a peace offering. They are immediately put into servitude -- 3PO assigned as a translator, and R2 put on Jabba's barge.
"We need an extra urinal for long sand-fishing trips."
Next come Leia and Chewbacca: Leia is disguised as a bounty hunter, negotiating a reward for Chewie, who is taken away by Jabba's men. She then manages to unfreeze Han before she's caught and put in a golden bikini.
"Yes, exactly as I planned." -- Leia's brother
Cue Luke, who walks in unarmed to drive a hard bargain for the prisoners. Naturally, he ends up fighting a hideous monster and being captured too. For a moment, it looks as though Luke's luck has run out as he, Han and Chewie are brought out into the desert to be executed by slow digestion. As Han laments, Luke tells him to stick close to him, assuring him that he's "taken care of everything."
"Grrrraaaaaawww." "Jesus Christ, Chewie! Shut up about the fucking medal."
And then, we all know what follows: Luke gets his lightsaber from R2 (smuggled all along!) and Han accidentally bitch-kills Boba Fett as golden bikini-clad Leia strangles both Jabba and an entire generation's hopes of ever having a normal sex life.
Why It Was a Stupid Plan:
There's an old saying that goes, "Any plan where you end up completely unarmed and over a monster pit is a bad plan." But it's not like Luke and the others had a choice, right? The only way to get into Jabba's palace is as a prisoner. Except that while the gang is coming and going, we see one dude just standing there in the background, looking inconspicuous ...
The background check for this job consisted of the "pinky-swear you're not a sleeper agent" test.
Lando F. Calrissian! Lando doesn't come in with a prisoner. He doesn't have to fight a monster, or put on a golden bikini (unfortunately) -- he just puts on a mask and stands in the crowd of aliens that hang out at Jabba's. Why couldn't the others sneak in the way Lando did, get Han and sneak out? Or, alternatively, just go straight to fighting Jabba's guys, which is what they ended up doing in the other plan anyway. Except, this way, they would have their weapons and wouldn't be wearing shackles.
#5. The Matrix -- Morpheus Reveals Everything to Neo On a Tapped Phone Call
In The Matrix, Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) believes that Neo (Keanu Reeves) is a Second Life Jesus who will free humanity from the virtual-reality tyranny of the machines. Unfortunately, Neo is captured by government agents (actually, evil computer programs) who push some sort of robot-shrimp into his stomach.
Not the worst orifice they could have chosen.
However, the Agents don't give a shit about Neo, they just want to use him to get to Morpheus -- so they release him with a literal bug inside of him, hoping he'll lead them to the bigger fish. At this point, Morpheus calls Neo and just lays it all out for him: He tells Neo that he is "The One" and gives him a location to meet. Morpheus' pals pick up Neo, remove that weird shrimp bug and it's all red pills and slo-mo kung fu from there.
Why It Was a Stupid Plan:
When Morphy calls Neo on the phone, the first thing he says is: "This line is tapped so I must be brief. They got to you first but they underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you would probably be dead ..."
Guess what, dude? They now know what you know, because you just fucking told them.
"... uhhh, would probably be Deb, I mean. Is this Deb? Wrong number. Sorry."
Let's get this straight: The line is tapped and the enemy can hear everything you say, and you choose to say exactly what it is you think they specifically shouldn't know, giving them a specific course of action they should follow in order to stop you (that is, kill Neo), followed by an address where they can conveniently stop you? Yeah, nice plan, asshole.
According to Morpheus, the one thing working to their advantage is that the agents don't know how important Neo is (apparently, they didn't see the trailers and figured Carrie Anne-Moss was the protagonist). Well, after Morpheus'`1 phone call, they do, so that by the time Neo calmly arrives at the meeting point, he is ass-deep in agents. He still has the tracking bug inside of him -- not that the agents need it because, again, Morpheus fucking tells them where Neo is going to go next. How is this guy the leader?
"We prefer to govern ourselves by Authoritarian Oakley-ocracy."
So, what options did Morpheus have? Well, what about contacting Neo in one of those super-secret hacker chat rooms that it took even the agents minutes to crack? And if that's not possible ... he has legs, doesn't he? Wouldn't it probably better to just go get your deity -- at least, compared to calling him on a tapped phone and spilling your guts?
#4. Captain America: The First Avenger -- Captain America Sucks at Invading Bases
In what is the final push of his solo film, Captain America must find a way into the one remaining enemy base where Nazi supervillain Red Skull, is planning to nuke the world with his super-weapons. The base is heavily guarded and, in the true spirit of villainy, deep in the Alps.
As the team laments that they can't just "knock on the front door," Cap gets a heroic idea, followed by the quip, "That's exactly what we're gonna do." Cut to the star-spangled Avenger tearing right at the base in his sweet killcycle, shield-killing bitches like he's playing Call Of Duty drunk.
"I'm in a hurry. You'll have to teabag yourself."
He blows up tanks, knocks down walls, and generally acts unpleasant. In the end, however, Cap ends up getting captured by the enemy (because he's still one guy against 200) and brought into Red Skull's sinister office of terror. After a brief villain monologue, Red Skull prepares for an execution ... but then Cap reveals it's all part of his plan, and this happens:
"You said the windows would be open!"
Cap's sidekicks come zip-lining through the windows and save him! The plan worked! Captain America, you magnificent bastard!
Why It Was a Stupid Plan:
Wait, what fucking plan? If Cap's friends were able to zip-line into the base from the mountains ... why didn't they all just cut straight to that part? What was the point of the Cap's solo frontal assault in the first place, other than wasting a perfectly good motorcycle?
"I'm Captain America, not Captain Canada. My plans don't have to make sense!"
Cap acts like getting caught and taken to that specific room was all part of his plan, but that makes exactly zero sense. How did he know they wouldn't just put a bullet in his head as soon as they restrained him? His friends would have crashed into Red Skull's office to find the guy painting a swastika on top of his new indestructible shield.
"Those windows aren't bulletproof, right? Just curious."
And it's not as though he was causing a diversion, because the dudes zip-lined in only after he was caught. All those tanks and stuff he blew up on the front entrance make no difference. It's one thing when you are miraculously rescued, and it's another thing when being miraculously rescued is part of the plan. Apparently, Thor isn't the only god on Captain America's side.