#2. The Murderer That Hates Sex
You don't bone in a horror movie.
If you hear a suspicious news report about some murderer they can't seem to find or some mysterious crop of disappearances, do not, under any circumstances, take your pants off and try to lock fleshparts with another human being.
"With orgasms come axe murderers." Just like Grandad used to say.
While it's tempting to dismiss that sort of thing as nothing but a horror movie trope, monsters attacking couples in the middle of a tender embrace is a very real thing in the animal kingdom. The villains in question are, unsurprisingly, bats.
"It was bats the whole time."
A study with the hilariously understated title "Bats Eavesdrop on the Sound of Copulating Flies" recently discovered that a European species called Natterer's bat spends an unhealthy amount of time listening to fly couples getting sweaty. And it's not just jerkin' it quietly in the other room while they get down, like your weird roommate who always wears a towel and nothing else.
Since the flies generally hang out on plants that camouflage them, the Natterer struggles to find them using its echolocation skills alone. The bat is crafty, though, and has taken other senses into the equation. Its good hearing enables it to locate the flies by their tiny fly moans and itty-bitty slap-and-bumping. It has learned to recognize the sounds of fly sex, is what we're saying here. Attacking the flies mid-coitus not only means that the prey is pretty preoccupied -- there's also the added bonus of catching two flies at a time.
Even if it does mean swallowing the occasional condom.
That's from the bat's point of view, anyway. The European fly's point of view is that they're forced to use the worst contraceptive in the history of humping: a huge, dark, toothsome monster that attacks them from the sky whenever they get down and dirty.
#1. The Fly That Re-enacts Alien
Alien is as disturbing as movie monsters get: It features a creature that violently injects its eggs into a victim, then disengages and allows the poor bastard to assume he got off with a scare until its young graphically bursts out through his chest. Something like that could only come from the curiously rape-focused pen of a Hollywood writer with more sexual hang-ups than a Freudian suspension fetishist.
Or from the daily life of a common bee.
"Hey, sweetheart. Did you get horrifically defiled today?"
The horrid creature casting a shadow on our lovable bumbling bee-friends is called Apocephalus borealis, a parasitic fly with some terrifyingly xenomorph-like properties: It injects its young right into the thorax of a living bee, then lets the poor little guy go free. Well, "free" is such a relative term ...
You see, merely imitating one of the most terrifying monsters that human imagination could invent is not enough for A. borealis. While its fictional counterpart allows its victims a modicum of dignity, giving them full cognitive control before the inevitable dinner table chest-bursting scene, A. borealis instead turns the bee into a mindless living-dead slave for the remainder of its short life. Hence its lovely colloquial nickname: the zombie fly.
And they told us we were crazy to hoard shotguns.
While normal bees retire in their hives for the night, these zombees (that's seriously what they're called) leave their homes to confusedly roam the land, presumably emitting a low moan and waiting for the appropriately dramatic moment to attack passing insects for their brains. They continue wandering until they're irreversibly lost and exhausted. When they finally drop, so sick of un-life that they can't go on, A. borealis delivers the final blow and bursts out through the bee's abdomen, sometimes decapitating the victim in the process.
"Game over, man! Game over!"
Because every order of Genius Sandwich comes with a free side of Sick and Twisted Fries, the discovery of this hellbeast actually excited scientists, and they deliberately started forcing bees to hang out with the zombie flies. It was complete and utter carnage, to the point that A. borealis is now suspected to be a major contributor in the disappearing-bees epidemic of recent years. You know -- the one that some people see as a sign of the end times.
That's right: The zombie fly is such a terror, it technically qualifies as a horseman of the apocalypse.
For more horrendous scenarios from Mother Nature, check out 6 Animals That Kill Nature's Scariest Creatures For Fun and The 5 Stupidest Looking Superpowers in the Animal Kingdom.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The 7 Most Shameful Abuses of Bacon.