Everyone has that one thing they'd like to change about themselves -- quitting the booze, getting in shape, kicking that public masturbation habit -- but they continually put it off, because making major lifestyle changes is hard. Damn it, science, it's the 21st century! Where's the pill that makes all of our human flaws disappear?
Not far away, apparently. At this very moment, they are testing ...
5A Pill That Replaces Exercise
When it comes to the competition between food and exercise, how could exercise ever stand a chance when food is just so goddamn delicious? That's apparently a sentiment many Americans share, because according to the CDC, over one-third of us are fatasses. See, what we need is a pill that just magically makes fat go away, and we're not talking about the bullshit diet pills they have on supplement shelves now (hint: their "appetite suppressant" is just caffeine). Well, it looks like the future is going to be an awesome place for people who hate to sweat.
Say goodbye to your extra chins and hello to ... everything else you're already doing.
Researchers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute have discovered a hormone that mimics exercising by increasing the body's ability to burn fat, theoretically allowing you to get in shape even as you watch Firefly marathons while choking down Hungry-Man frozen dinners. (PROTIP: You're supposed to cook them first.) The newly identified hormone, called irisin, causes the body to transform white "bad" fat into brown "good" fat, which generates heat. The result is the same as exercise -- burning calories, improving the processing of insulin ... everything that could bring us every fat guy's greasy wet dream: an exercise pill.
So how did the scientists discover the true potential of irisin? How else? After studying and isolating the hormone, they shot up some roly-poly mice with it. Within 10 days of treatment, the mice had better blood sugar and insulin levels and had lost some weight, with the assumption being that longer exposure would "reduce the damage done by a high-fat diet, protecting mice against diet-induced obesity and diabetes."
For Squeaky, the weight may have gone, but the crippling self-esteem issues remained.
Researchers think that irisin could potentially be used to address a wide range of health problems -- obesity, mental health disorders, neuromuscular diseases like muscular dystrophy -- but come on, we all know what it'll really be used for: getting all the benefits of exercise without doing one iota of the work. After all, isn't that exactly what all of human civilization has been progressing toward for the last thousand years or so?