#2. Hot Water Is a Sperm Killer
Traditionally, baths hold little to no value in the Ledger of Manly. Historical manliness involved avoiding bathing, much to the chagrin of historical womanliness. The only acceptably manly way to fraternize with water is a cold shower, if only because it's the third best cure for an inconvenient boner.
There's a reason behind this: Hot water murders sperm.
Which is why "teabagging" is actually a pretty ironic term.
It's really efficient at it, too -- overt hot-tubbing can and will do its level best to lower sperm count to the point of infertility. Researchers spent three grueling years figuring this out by giving dudes 30-minute hot baths, then taking sperm samples and measuring the sperm count after the baths. All of this was done at the University of California in San Francisco, and there are no jokes to be made on that subject whatsoever.
So what's the deal? Well, we've known for a long time that in order for sperm to develop, it needs temperatures lower than your normal body heat -- that's literally the only reason testicles are placed in insanely vulnerable skin-sacks outside the body. Nevertheless, until this study, there was little to no hard evidence for the adverse effects of hot baths on man parts.
"Leave me alone, it's not funny! They're not supposed to fall off like that!"
But before you jump out of the tub screeching in horror, know that it's not all bad news -- after the researchers fished their test subjects out of the hot tub for the last time, over half of them were able to increase their sperm counts back to something approaching normal.
#1. Modern Sleep Patterns Are Less Manly
Be honest: If you had to name an absolutely essential thing for testosterone production, would sleep even be on the list? The connection between resting and manliness isn't immediately obvious, but it's definitely there: Researchers have found that otherwise healthy and vigorous guys who sleep too little per night have the sucky testosterone levels of a man up to 15 years older.
"Ah, I remember those days. Sleeping until 3 p.m., then unleashing Nutpocalypse all night long."
It all boils down to how we're used to dealing with our environment. Even the most starry-eyed nostalgic must admit that when it comes to nightlife, the olden times pretty much sucked. Before electricity came along and enabled clubbing, you worked during the day ... and that's pretty much it. When sunset came, you were left in pitch black with precisely jack shit to do. People solved this issue by indulging in hefty amounts of sleep -- after all, dreams are free and readily available entertainment for princes and paupers alike. Modern technology, with all the procrastination possibilities it has to offer, has rendered all this excess sleeping more or less nonexistent.
Today's man goes to sleep whenever he remembers and does his level best to murder the alarm clock in the morning. This is bad news, as the body produces most of its testosterone during the REM sleep phase, which is hard as balls to achieve if you get just a few hours of shut-eye. What's more, sleeping too little can also mess with your ability to have a boner something dreadful.
"Hey, we could try shining a flashlight at my junk. The Internet says that might work."
So, to recap: Our forefathers got manlier merely by going to bed, while today's men neglect sleeping in favor of ruining their ability to maintain erections with drunken 2 a.m. porn marathons. Such is progress, ladies and gentlemen.
And now learn why people act like dicks in 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or check out 6 Obnoxious Old People Habits (Explained by Science).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The 6 Least Intimidating Military Logos Ever.
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