#3. Batman -- How Did the Joker's Henchmen Get to the Top of the Bell Tower?
In Tim Burton's Batman, the Joker holds a parade in downtown Gotham City and plans to murder everyone in attendance by releasing deadly Smilex gas, resulting in a puzzlingly large death toll, considering that the only thing the paradegoers know about the Joker at this point in the film is that he likes to poison large numbers of people in public. Batman shows up in his Batwing to thwart him, so the Joker blasts him out of the sky with a comically oversized pistol.
Trust us, Internet -- the Joker was awesome before Heath Ledger, too. It's just a question of degrees.
After the Batwing crashes on the steps of Gotham Cathedral, the Joker takes Vicki Vale inside and radios a chopper to pick him up on the roof in 10 minutes, leaving him with a shitload of rickety stairs to climb.
"I really need the workout. My wacky pants are getting a bit snug in the waistline."
Batman, who totally survived the crash without being roasted by flaming jet fuel, shakily climbs up after them, barely stepping out of the way in time to avoid the giant dislodged iron bell the Joker tosses down at him, which destroys the majority of the staircase in its wake.
Batman pulls himself up through the trapdoor into the belfry at the top of the cathedral and is immediately attacked by three henchmen, including one particularly relentless thug that every single person who watched this movie as a child referred to as "Ray Charles."
Because look at him.
Quite simply, how the hell did those three goons get up there (especially Ray -- the man is blind)?
The Joker had no idea that he was going to be in the cathedral until the Batwing crashed in front of it. The helicopter hadn't arrived yet, so it's not like the goons got dropped off in the belfry. The only other way up there is the stairwell, and we clearly see that the Joker doesn't bring anyone but Vicki up with him. Furthermore, he demolishes like 80 percent of the stairs when he drops the bell, so there's that.
Even if the goons had somehow managed to parkour their way up that splintered mess, they were already in the bell tower when Batman got there, meaning they would have literally had to pass the Caped Crusader in the stairwell on their way up. This would have resulted in a decidedly less exciting melee.
#2. Octopussy -- How Did Bond Get into a Ridiculous Disguise (With Makeup) in Seconds?
After everyone is through giggling over both the film's title and the fact that at this point in his career Roger Moore looks more like a math teacher than a secret agent, 007 discovers a plot to detonate a nuclear bomb at a circus on an American military base that the titular Octopussy (ahem) will be attending. Bond tries to warn everyone of the danger, but nobody believes him because, again, he looks less like an authoritative international badass and more like a pre-Heisenberg Walter White.
With no time to lose, Bond crashes a car through the base's perimeter gate, which is a surprising move, considering that Liam Neeson hasn't invented it yet. With military personnel in hot pursuit, and the bomb's timer ticking down ...
... Bond quickly ducks into a trailer.
007 steps back out of the trailer looking like some grief-stricken parent's misguided attempt to tell his son that he has bone cancer:
"Don't worry, clowns only eat healthy kids."
He then runs into the circus tent to tell the base commander about the bomb, because clearly that's where the commander would be and not, you know, in his office, running a military installation. Bond tries once again to warn everyone, this time using his weepy, pleading clown face:
"He's trying to trick us! Everyone knows that clowns don't have emotions!"
Unfortunately, they all still think that he's a lunatic (in their defense, he is dressed like a fucking clown), so 007 has to fight through them to get to the bomb himself:
Um, look around you, Roger -- we've located the bomb.
He finally reaches the nuke, only to find the timer still ticking away at ... wait, what? Does that thing seriously read 14 seconds?
It seriously does.
That means only five minutes have passed since Bond darted into the trailer.
The stuff with him goofing around in the circus tent trying to convince everyone that he isn't on angel dust takes almost four full minutes -- you can time it. This leaves no more than 120 seconds between Bond closing that trailer door and re-emerging as John Wayne Gacy's existential British uncle. So, applying intricate clown makeup and a full costume, in a dressing room that he has never seen before in his entire life, took less time than a Pixies song? Bond probably spends more time putting on his regular clothes -- hell, we take longer than that getting dressed for work, and we aren't wearing tuxedos (well, most of us aren't, anyway).
To compare, Die Another Day spent two hours making James Bond look like a stupid asshole. We just don't believe that two minutes is enough time.
#1. The Godfather: Part II -- Who Killed Michael's Would-Be Assassins?
Early on in the film, Michael Corleone is hanging out in his bedroom when he notices that the drapes are open. A few seconds later, his room is riddled with bullets, presumably by some time-traveling Samaritan trying to save the future from irritating Scent of a Woman impressions.
And in turn saving Al Pacino from appearing in Jack and Jill.
Michael escapes unscathed and has the entire Corleone family compound locked down until the assassins are caught. He specifically orders his men to take them alive, and then tells his right-hand man, Tom Hagen, that he suspects that there is a traitor in the organization. The traitor, Michael suggests, will try to kill the assassins before they have a chance to question them.
Sure enough, the two assassins' bodies are found in a ditch, which is probably where they were headed anyway.
It's not like Michael was going to have them dropped off at a rec center to run laps for punishment.
However, the movie never explains who actually killed them. Since the assassins were trapped in the compound with nowhere to go, and all of Michael's foot soldiers had specific orders to take them alive, Michael's theory that they were erased by the traitor is the only possible answer, unless they sawed their own necks open in a sudden fit of guilt.
Now, as we eventually learn, Michael's brother Fredo is the traitor. Fredo was secretly doing business with Michael's enemies without realizing that they would try to kill Michael, because Fredo is a stupid man. He lives in the family compound, and he was there when the attempt on Michael's life was made, so logically, the only person who could have killed the assassins was Fredo ... that is, if you can ignore this picture and the horrible truth it screams:
That mustache alone is enough to get you on a sex offender list in 13 states.
Fredo is a weak, sniveling man-child. Fredo can't kill anything. He rarely even manages to get his clothes to match, and he literally spends most of the first movie getting slapped in the face. When his father is sprayed to the ground in a hail of bullets, Fredo fumbles desperately with his own gun before dropping it in the street and weeping through his mustache as the hit men escape, unshot. This is not a man who suddenly overpowers two assassins in the middle of the night and slits both of their throats. This is a man who hides in the closet during thunderstorms.
Character attacks aside, when the bodies are found, you can see Fredo in the background dealing with his hysterical wife:
He's not exactly winning.
He wouldn't have been able to get more than five feet from that hairspray and acrylic whirlwind without everyone in the compound knowing he'd done so, and as the films have established, Fredo is simply not smart enough to concoct a good alibi. Even if by some miracle he mustered up the nerve to kill, Fredo couldn't have possibly left his wife to do so without her blowing his cover. Given what we've discussed so far, the only other explanation we can come up with is that the two assassins were killed by a Tyrannosaurus.
Robin Warder is the co-owner of a pop culture website called The Back Row.
For more questionable scenes in movies, check out 6 Movie Plots Made Possible By Ridiculous Understaffing and 6 Plot Threads Famous Movies Forgot to Resolve.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Why the 'Men in Black' Agency Is Just a Huge Con.
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