4"What Does a Monkey's Voice Sound Like on Helium?"
There are two types of people in the world: people who would, given the chance, make monkeys swallow helium to hear what funny sounds they make, and people who lack any sense of wonder and joy. Put us in the same room with a helium balloon, and we're going to suck on that thing to hear ourselves talk like Donald Duck. The only thing stopping us from making our pets do it is that it's incredibly difficult to get a Rottweiler to suck on a balloon. This is why we have scientists.
"Note to self: The red one goes in its butthole."
In other words, when primatologist Takeshi Nishimura of Kyoto University in Japan placed a gibbon in a helium-filled chamber in order to study the sounds she produced, he did the most comprehensible thing any Japanese person has ever done. The result? The helium changed the gibbon's voice from the generic whine of a ghost puppy you've beaten one too many times to the generic whine of a baby you haven't quite beaten enough:
OK, maybe this wasn't just for the hell of it. Nishimura and his associates were trying to figure out the mechanism by which gibbons make their noises (it appears that gibbons consciously control their vocal system, much like humans do, except that they specialize in singing rather than speech). Great. Now stick a lion in there to see if it makes it sound like a house cat. Do it! Do it now!
3"What Happens When We Make a Male Dolphin Live With a Human Female, and Also She Gives Him a Handjob?"
In 1965, dolphin researcher John C. Lilly and associates ran a 10-week study to see whether a dolphin could be taught some basic concepts underlying human language, like colors and numbers, via card games. It makes sense -- dolphins are really smart, so we should find out as much about them as we can. What better way to do that than to basically make a dolphin and a human of the opposite sex live together in a water house?
The idea was that the test subject, an adult male dolphin named Peter, would be isolated from his peers; the human chosen to live with him and teach him should be similarly isolated. A pretty undergraduate named Margaret Howe was chosen, and she and Peter would live in a house in which all the furniture was submerged or wet, so that Peter could come and go as he pleased. It was basically Big Brother or The Real World, and maybe could have been the plot of a Disney movie, had there been no bestiality involved.
"OK, whaddaya say we just keep the camera above water for a few minutes?"
For you see, Peter got the hots for Maggie.
At the beginning, Peter was a perfect gentleman about it, expressing his love with gifts of frozen fish. And at this point Maggie was nowhere near psychologically broken enough to take his expressions of love seriously. But Peter wasn't about to take no for an answer. He began to bite and bruise Margaret in an attempt to get her to comply with his sexual will. This disturbed the researchers just enough for them to start taking Peter on conjugal visits with members of his own species. It didn't work because, like the male lead of every romantic comedy ever, Peter the rape-dolphin proved his love by obsessing over his single unwilling target.
So, in order to get Peter to be a cooperative test subject for the study, Maggie consented to rubbing his penis with her foot and hand, in exchange for his participation in the various experiments.
"Nope, it's not working. You're gonna have to blow him. For science."
After the study concluded, Maggie wrote a bizarrely pornographic account of her time with Peter in which she talked about both how terrified she was of dolphin rape and how the masturbation thing was special but not kinky, since she also did it when other people watched. Because public sex acts and Stockholm syndrome are apparently fine if your partner is a dolphin.
Lilly, meanwhile, considered the study to be a success, since Peter had picked up some basic linguistic concepts. He never repeated the experiment, however, and instead found an innovative new angle: communing with dolphins via shared acid trips. It didn't do much for his scientific reputation.
But that hat did wonders for his reputation with the ladies.