#2. There Were Plans for Jay and Silent Bob to Meet Hellraiser
Before he began to systematically respond to every single negative comment about him ever posted online, Kevin Smith made movies. Most of them featured the comedic stoner duo Jay and Silent Bob, whose slouched, speech-impeded antics led to five films and a short-lived cartoon series. Hellraiser is a series of films wherein a demon named Pinhead butchers people with hook chains and rips the flesh off of helpless victims to resculpt them into mind-bending horrorbeasts. Clearly it was time for these two franchises to merge.
After 2001's Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back seemed to mark the retirement of the two characters, Smith received a phone call from Miramax head Harvey Weinstein, presumably looking for the quickest way to spray ropy diarrhea tendrils all over the Oscar cred the studio had built up during the '90s. Weinstein's idea was to do a Jay and Silent Bob/Hellraiser crossover, like the classic comedy/horror mashup Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein, only with more sadomasochistic demon torture.
The Hays Code censored the planned disembowelment orgy scene.
They came up with a premise where Jay and Silent Bob would hilariously cross paths with Pinhead and get sent to their own personal hell -- a rehab clinic. People would get torn to bloody shreds around them while Jay spat out gibberish and Silent Bob vigorously nodded and bugged his eyes like a cartoon character.
How We Were Spared
It was Smith who decided that it was a terrible idea, even after Ben Affleck weighed in with some advice: "At first I was going to say that's fucking retarded, but I bet you a lot of people would go to see that movie." (Tyler Perry has this quote tattooed on the inside of his eyelids.)
In a bizarre footnote, New Line Cinema came under fire when they all but photocopied the Jay character for their own much more sense-making crossover Freddy vs. Jason, a shameless bit of inexplicable co-opting that led Jason Mewes (the actor who plays Jay) to mock the ripoff character in a TV documentary.
#1. Jaws Was Going to Star in a National Lampoon Comedy
Jaws was the first movie to reach $100 million in ticket sales, and its inevitable and cleverly titled sequel Jaws 2 came pretty damn close to that milestone as well. Universal Studios had a genuine franchise on their hands, consisting of two of the most successful movies ever made (at that time) and featuring a real-life "monster" that truly scared people, despite the fact that it is arguably the most easily avoided predator in the history of the world.
"Just don't go in the water!"
So clearly, when you have a proven horror series with a bankable killer at its center that audiences respond to, the only thing to do is contact Matty Simmons from National Lampoon, fresh off their hit Animal House, to write a cheeky spoof called Jaws 3, People Nothing. Simmons hired John Hughes -- the guy who would go on to make Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club -- to co-write a script that featured the cast and crew of another Jaws film tormented by production issues and an uncooperative, director-devouring shark.
Richard Dreyfuss even agreed to star, and Joe Dante (the director of such masterpieces as Piranha and Small Soldiers) was slated to direct, assembling an A-team of heroes to create Earth's shittiest movie. Basically imagine George Lucas not only producing Spaceballs, but casting Harrison Ford as Lone Star.
... yes. Yes. Yes.
How We Were Spared
After spending millions in preproduction, Universal's execs got a visit from Steven Spielberg, director of the original Jaws and the guy who was still in the process of funneling hundreds of millions of dollars into the studio's pockets. Spielberg felt that a fully endorsed spoof like the one they were producing would essentially be like taking the 35 mm print of his movie and streaking it with a violent burrito fart, and vowed to never set one gold-smelting foot on Universal's lot ever again if they went ahead with it.
"I will put so many tits in E.T., even Russ Meyer won't pay to see it."
His threat worked, and the studio turned Jaws 3, People Nothing into a traditional sequel called Jaws 3-D, which was exactly 8 percent less dumb than the Lampoon idea, but apparently enough to keep Universal in Spielberg's good graces.
For ridiculous crossovers that did happen, check out 6 Comic Book Crossovers You Won't Believe Actually Happened and The 5 Most Insane Celebrity Comic Book Cameos.