#2. The Street Fighter Comic That Was Too Stupid Even for Capcom
If you think the Jean-Claude Van Damme film is the most wretched thing to come out of the Street Fighter franchise, think again == we found something that makes Street Fighter: The Movie look like Street Fighter: The Animated Movie (you know, the Japanese one with boobies in it). In 1993, when Street Fighter II was the biggest arcade game in the world, Malibu Comics published an ongoing series based on it that was so bad, Capcom had to ask them to stop. Why? Well, see for yourself.
The Street Fighter franchise's main strength was never character development: All of the fighters are defined by either their nationality or the type of clothes they wear (or don't). And yet, Malibu still managed to completely botch these characters beyond all recognition. For starters, our hero Ryu is introduced to us as a guy who likes jumping women from behind:
"Lay off my head bra!"
Chun-Li herself isn't much better: Within the space of a few panels, she goes from thwarting a Ryu assault to throwing herself at him.
Chun-Li starts eating Ryu's face, but now it's his turn for a complete personality shift == he brushes her off, comparing her to a tree, "strong, flexible ... but yet rooted in your obsession."
Ryu might be schizophrenic.
The plot follows M. Bison's cronies, Balrog and Sagat, as they attempt to get to Ryu through his best friend, Ken, now retired from fighting. Ken, whose new profession is dressing like Don Johnson, is ambushed by Balrog and punched in the dick.
Ken is weakened by Balrog and then brutally beaten by Sagat == cut to Ryu, meditating in Japan, when a car comes crashing in with a box inside. Ryu opens the box and finds a human scalp inside, which he instantly recognizes as Ken's.
"I'd know that shampoo anywhere!"
The third issue of the series shows the various street fighters mourning Ken's death, each in their own way: Zangief murders two bears, and Blanka, the savage Brazilian beast-man, is so devastated by the news that he nearly drops his spectacles.
At what point in the production process did they learn that "Blanca" wasn't an elderly woman?
Meanwhile, E. Honda fights a shitty Malibu Comics character called the Ferret, for some reason.
Apparently Capcom felt the same way as Honda about this comic, because the third issue ends with a note from Malibu announcing that the series has been cancelled and apologizing for how terrible it was.
Apology not accepted.
#1. 2001: A Space Odyssey Comic Featuring Vira the She-Demon and Mister Machine
When legendary comic book artist Jack Kirby saw the end of Kubrick's 2001 adaptation, he, like all of us, said, "What the hell was that all about?" Unlike all of us, though, he had to make an official comic book adaptation for Marvel. Like a true trooper, Kirby made a very faithful adaptation that took its cues from both the movie and the novel. The problem was that it was an ongoing comic, so once he reached the end of the movie, he had to continue the story, and Arthur C. Clarke had yet to write the sequel 2010: Odyssey Two. How did he continue the story on his own? AWESOMELY.
Her weapon is the flaming skull of a fallen foe. For Kirby, that's a feminine weapon.
We are sure you remember Vira from the movie and the impressive performance by Delta Burke that gained her an Oscar ... in some parallel universe only Kirby's mind can access.
Since the movie didn't have many characters whose name you can even remember except for HAL and astronaut Dave, and one of them dies and the other takes a trip into a tie-dyed T-shirt and comes out transformed into a cosmic fetus, that makes continuing their stories kind of difficult. Kirby of course decided to continue the story of the third most memorable character from the movie, the black monoliths. All the issues after the movie story is finished are about the black monoliths visiting Earth in different time periods and helping people defeat bullies like very rectangular Mr. Miyagis.
So like in the novel, this is about the monoliths helping out mankind's development, but since having the monoliths help Aristotle invent physics would be boring to draw, Kirby has the monoliths help some random ancient tribe invent wheels and beat the crap out of their neighbors.
"If do right, no can defense."
Every issue then transports us back to the far-off future of the year 2001 where the reincarnations (maybe?) of the characters from the past get contacted once more by the monoliths and get transformed into space babies. So we guess in Kirby's version astronaut Dave is the reincarnation of the monkey from the beginning of the movie?
This should be a "before and after" ad for antipsychotic medication.
By issue No. 8, Kirby was tired of this shit, so he introduced a new character called Machine Man, the Living Robot! He is an android that receives sentience from the monoliths because ... who knows? They were in the neighborhood looking for more space babies for their collection, they had a few drinks, and giving sentience to random machines is something to do, you know? Fuck you! Don't judge the monoliths, you have been drunk, too!
Hotline to Hades. Horny demons are waiting for your call. Must be 18 or older.
And this is the last time you will ever see the monoliths in the 2001 comic, because after this it's all about Machine Man escaping the lab where he was created and being hunted by the military. What, you want more space babies? Well, then get yourself a giant slingshot and go raid a maternity ward, 'cause Kirby is busy now drawing robots fighting the military-industrial complex. Oh, and then Machine Man got into a fight with the Hulk.
We admire the ambition, but maybe you should start with Hawkeye and then work your way up?
What? You didn't know that 2001 takes place in the Marvel universe? Well, now it does! Somebody really needs to write a comedy about Wolverine, Spider-Man and Thor raising a space baby.
For more God awful comics, check out The 7 Crappiest "Superheroes" in Comic Book History and The 8 Most Awkward Sexual Moments in Comic Book History.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Telltale Signs Your Online Girlfriend Is a Scam.-->