4Gargoyles: The Gargoyles Live With Constant Internal Hemorrhaging
Gargoyles is about a winged species of animals who act as powerful guardians during the night and revert to stone ornaments during the day. If you're already excited by the prospect, know that the conversion from stone to flesh involves a KICK ASS STATUE EXPLOSION. This happens every night, with muscular mythical creatures busting out of concrete shells, ready for action, baby!
The mechanism for the process is obvious from the above picture: During the day, every inch of the gargoyle's body surface grows a thin layer of stone. Under that is the fleshy body -- if you prick them, they bleed; tickle them, they laugh; poison them, they die. But most importantly, once again, they bleed.
Now look at this:
We see that the gargoyles love to keep their mouths open when they turn to stone, probably because they're hard asses. And the inside of his mouth has turned to stone. So in this form, how far down his throat and windpipe does the stone go? Because all of that is going to shatter into sharp chunks come nightfall. How much of that shit would wind up in his stomach, or lungs? How long do they spend coughing up or shitting out stone shards every evening? Even if a gargoyle didn't strike a screaming pose, his nose and ears are still open all the time. Even a careful gargoyle is looking at rock shards in his sinuses and inner ears.
Now, some of you might be thinking that the gargoyles must have really tough interiors, like Kirby or Adam Richman. You're wrong. In the episode "Protection," one gargoyle eats a hot pepper and experiences severe pain. If the acids of a fucking pepper hurt a gargoyle so much that he screams in agony, shattering stone should be absolute torture. And it gets even worse. Over the course of the series, we see that the gargoyles forget about the sunrise all the friggin' time -- they end up totally surprised and turn to stone at the worst possible moment.
"Shit, did I leave the stove on?"
So, what happens when they're caught with their pants down? And when we say that, we're talking about poop. Say the gargoyle is urinating or defecating and the sunrise hits. Yes, now he is frozen all day in a hilarious position. But more importantly, the surface of the gargoyle includes the inside of his urethra and colon. And when he wakes, again -- boom! -- stone-shattering time.
"Shitting bricks would actually be an improvement."
The life of a gargoyle is simply a bloody mess, slowly being torn apart from the inside by rocky shrapnel.
3Jem: A Truly Outrageous Legal System
The incredibly '80s cartoon Jem is set in a world where rival rock bands compete for the top of the chart through various publicity stunts. The Holograms, Misfits and Stingers star in movies, appear in TV interviews and hold countless benefit concerts to ensure that they are always in the public's eye. It's kind of all they do. So Jem was like a prophetic vision of reality TV.
"Can somebody get Aja a human-sized guitar?"
So, the bands are constantly trying to undermine each other as they hog the spotlight. So what kind of harmless pranks do they play to try to boost their own record sales? After all, they're just making mischief -- no one is getting hurt, right? Well, here's bad guy manager Eric Raymond hiring someone to bomb Starlight Mansion, a fucking home for orphans:
"Perfect, totally inconspicuous."
Holy shit! Also, he kidnaps at least four people during the show's run, which means his list of felonies approaches Suge Knight levels. But that's just the start.
We actually went through and counted. In Jem's 65-episode run, characters commit 157 serious crimes that should have led to jail time. Yet none of the bands or the evil manager ever do any time in the slammer. There are no legal consequences whatsoever, even though people get hurt and nearly die on dozens of occasions.
"At night ... I can still hear the screaming ..."
By our count, the rival band the Misfits commits 28 acts of reckless endangerment, ranging from driving cars through restaurants to messing with explosives on movie sets. On top of that, there are four incidents of theft, 10 of vandalism and seven of kidnapping, including a time when they put Jem in a fake house and psychologically tortured her in an attempt to discover her identity. And then there was that time when they interrupted Congress ...
"Fuck your democracy, we're musicians!"
Somehow, the criminal justice system repeatedly turns a blind eye to this rampant rocker-on-rocker crime and domestic terrorism. And it's all because these musicians and managers have money that can buy their freedom. In fact, Eric Raymond says as much. After getting off scot-free on a kidnapping charge, he gloats, "It's amazing what lawyers can do when you pay them enough." Oh yeah, he says this just moments before assaulting Jem. Truly, truly outrageous.
"Hey, kids! THIS IS THE WORLD."