The longer and harder you look at something, the more grotesque it's going to get. Which is why you should never examine private parts or innocent TV shows too closely. Unfortunately, we did both.
Here are six more classic kids' shows that are actually set in terrifying universes.
6Doug: Where Mentally Insane Children Are Left to Suffer
Doug chronicles the trials of a sixth-grade boy as he moves to a new town and attempts to fit in. To cope with his daily anxieties about schoolwork and bullies, Doug frequently escapes into his imagination. Good for him! Too bad it keeps almost killing him, and nobody cares.
First off, Doug is not just escaping into harmless daydreams. He is a full-blown schizophrenic suffering from vivid hallucinations and delusions. He physically acts out his fantasies, often incorporating objects from the real world. For example, when Doug thinks he's dancing with his favorite band, he's really dancing with himself.
And when he thinks he's in prison, he's really next to a bike rack.
"This raises troubling questions about all the sodomy."
We know what you're saying. "What are you talking about, Cracked? It's just a kid with an active imagination! Didn't you ever crawl into a cardboard box and pretend you were Solid Snake? It's not hurting anyone!"
Well, actually, it's hurting Doug. In one episode, he starts "daydreaming" while sitting in the middle of goddamned traffic:
He'll have plenty of time to dream once he's in a coma.
In another, he blanks out while behind the wheel of a soapbox racer flying down a hill, only waking up when he smashes the fuck into another car:
You know, he should probably just start wearing a helmet at all times.
In yet another episode, Doug convinces himself that he's actually Durango Doug, an expert horseman, and chooses to ride an untamed colt way above his riding ability. He nearly dies after he smashes into a tree.
See? What'd we say about the helmet?
And the worst part? Nobody thinks this is a problem.
Doug repeatedly hallucinates in front of friends and family, and they just laugh it off. For example, in the episode "Doug's Secret Admirer," Doug's sister finds him talking to his alter ego Smash Adams in the bathroom mirror. Thinking nothing of it, she kicks him out of the bathroom so she can take a shower.
He takes his sense of reality shaken and stirred.
Either Doug's world is filled with the most oblivious, self-absorbed people on the planet or there just simply is no medical care for children in his universe. The latter case would explain the rampant disease that is apparently causing everyone's skin discolorations.
Will someone please give Skeeter the Heimlich before he asphyxiates?