The longer and harder you look at something, the more grotesque it's going to get. Which is why you should never examine private parts or innocent TV shows too closely. Unfortunately, we did both.
Here are six more classic kids' shows that are actually set in terrifying universes.
#6. Doug: Where Mentally Insane Children Are Left to Suffer
Doug chronicles the trials of a sixth-grade boy as he moves to a new town and attempts to fit in. To cope with his daily anxieties about schoolwork and bullies, Doug frequently escapes into his imagination. Good for him! Too bad it keeps almost killing him, and nobody cares.
First off, Doug is not just escaping into harmless daydreams. He is a full-blown schizophrenic suffering from vivid hallucinations and delusions. He physically acts out his fantasies, often incorporating objects from the real world. For example, when Doug thinks he's dancing with his favorite band, he's really dancing with himself.
And when he thinks he's in prison, he's really next to a bike rack.
"This raises troubling questions about all the sodomy."
We know what you're saying. "What are you talking about, Cracked? It's just a kid with an active imagination! Didn't you ever crawl into a cardboard box and pretend you were Solid Snake? It's not hurting anyone!"
Well, actually, it's hurting Doug. In one episode, he starts "daydreaming" while sitting in the middle of goddamned traffic:
He'll have plenty of time to dream once he's in a coma.
In another, he blanks out while behind the wheel of a soapbox racer flying down a hill, only waking up when he smashes the fuck into another car:
You know, he should probably just start wearing a helmet at all times.
In yet another episode, Doug convinces himself that he's actually Durango Doug, an expert horseman, and chooses to ride an untamed colt way above his riding ability. He nearly dies after he smashes into a tree.
See? What'd we say about the helmet?
And the worst part? Nobody thinks this is a problem.
Doug repeatedly hallucinates in front of friends and family, and they just laugh it off. For example, in the episode "Doug's Secret Admirer," Doug's sister finds him talking to his alter ego Smash Adams in the bathroom mirror. Thinking nothing of it, she kicks him out of the bathroom so she can take a shower.
He takes his sense of reality shaken and stirred.
Either Doug's world is filled with the most oblivious, self-absorbed people on the planet or there just simply is no medical care for children in his universe. The latter case would explain the rampant disease that is apparently causing everyone's skin discolorations.
Will someone please give Skeeter the Heimlich before he asphyxiates?
#5. DuckTales: A World Economy Revolves Around a Magic Coin
Quick! What's the first thing you think of when you hear "Scrooge McDuck"? It's probably an image of a cartoon duck diving into a pool of gold coins. In the same way that Donald Duck is defined by untethered rage, Scrooge McDuck is nothing but a ball of greed. Getting, keeping and counting his money are his top three priorities, with Huey, Dewey and Louie running a distant fourth through sixth.
Now, the fact that Scrooge loves money isn't in itself so terrible. But do you know how he got it?
Scrooge McDuck has an amulet that attracts wealth like a money magnet in the form of a magic dime he acquired as a boy (duckling?). The minute the dime is out of Scrooge's possession, as in the episode "Dime Enough for Luck," he starts losing money fast. And when someone succeeds in stealing the dime, as in "Duck to the Future," that person becomes rich and powerful instead of Scrooge.
They also gain the ability to do this without landing in a wheelchair.
So it's great for Scrooge, or whoever else has the dime, but sucks for anyone else trying to make their way in the world honestly -- all are subject to the economic whims of McDuck's all-powerful dime. For every miraculous trade he makes in the stock market, someone else is losing money. If you've poured your life savings into a startup business, you'd better hope that McDuck invests in you instead of your competitor, because whoever he invests in is going to succeed, even if they're selling burgers that are 50 percent human hair. If McDuck shorts your car company's stock, your shit is about to be subjected to a long string of crippling bankruptcies and layoffs.
And considering how rich Scrooge is, his impact on the world is staggering. Scrooge's accountant, Fenton, actually tells us how much money Scrooge has in the episode "Liquid Assets." It's more than $947 trillion. That's roughly 13 times the planet's gross domestic product.
Fenton's sexual harassment suit is still pending.
Even after Scrooge passes away, his nephews will just take control of his dime and continue its tyranny as the world's ultimate puppet master, the entire cycle of human endeavor and aspiration nothing but a cruel charade until all but the McDuck family wind up as emaciated corpses in a pauper's grave (A woo ooh!).
#4. Gargoyles: The Gargoyles Live With Constant Internal Hemorrhaging
Gargoyles is about a winged species of animals who act as powerful guardians during the night and revert to stone ornaments during the day. If you're already excited by the prospect, know that the conversion from stone to flesh involves a KICK ASS STATUE EXPLOSION. This happens every night, with muscular mythical creatures busting out of concrete shells, ready for action, baby!
The mechanism for the process is obvious from the above picture: During the day, every inch of the gargoyle's body surface grows a thin layer of stone. Under that is the fleshy body -- if you prick them, they bleed; tickle them, they laugh; poison them, they die. But most importantly, once again, they bleed.
Now look at this:
We see that the gargoyles love to keep their mouths open when they turn to stone, probably because they're hard asses. And the inside of his mouth has turned to stone. So in this form, how far down his throat and windpipe does the stone go? Because all of that is going to shatter into sharp chunks come nightfall. How much of that shit would wind up in his stomach, or lungs? How long do they spend coughing up or shitting out stone shards every evening? Even if a gargoyle didn't strike a screaming pose, his nose and ears are still open all the time. Even a careful gargoyle is looking at rock shards in his sinuses and inner ears.
Now, some of you might be thinking that the gargoyles must have really tough interiors, like Kirby or Adam Richman. You're wrong. In the episode "Protection," one gargoyle eats a hot pepper and experiences severe pain. If the acids of a fucking pepper hurt a gargoyle so much that he screams in agony, shattering stone should be absolute torture. And it gets even worse. Over the course of the series, we see that the gargoyles forget about the sunrise all the friggin' time -- they end up totally surprised and turn to stone at the worst possible moment.
"Shit, did I leave the stove on?"
So, what happens when they're caught with their pants down? And when we say that, we're talking about poop. Say the gargoyle is urinating or defecating and the sunrise hits. Yes, now he is frozen all day in a hilarious position. But more importantly, the surface of the gargoyle includes the inside of his urethra and colon. And when he wakes, again -- boom! -- stone-shattering time.
"Shitting bricks would actually be an improvement."
The life of a gargoyle is simply a bloody mess, slowly being torn apart from the inside by rocky shrapnel.