Even if you've never, say, pulled a gun on somebody who cut you off in traffic, you've probably imagined yourself doing it. It's just that most of us have a mental safeguard that suppresses our urge to slap the guy working the Genius Bar at the Apple Store, converting our crazy revenge fantasy into a mild look of disapproval.
Not everyone is capable of such restraint.
#6. A Man Throws Himself in Front of His Wife's Car (to Stop Her from Voting)
We don't know if you've heard, but America is in the middle of a series of elections that will determine whether or not the country descends into an age of unspeakable darkness. If you didn't realize how dire the situation was, check your Facebook wall sometime -- you'll see that these disputes over complex policies that no one really understands can bitterly divide even tight-knit families. That was the case during the 2012 Wisconsin recall election of its governor, when a man named Jeffrey Radle supported Republican Scott Walker, while his wife, Amanda, intended to vote for Democrat Tom Barrett.
Clearly this will not stand, we guess.
When Jeffrey learned of his wife's inclination, he became determined to prevent her from reaching that polling booth, or die trying.
As Amanda pulled out of the driveway to vote, Jeffrey made his last stand by leaping in front of her car. Not really anticipating her husband risking fatal vehicular injury on the off chance his wife was the deciding vote in a Midwestern governorship, she ran him down and, probably wisely, drove to the police station to report it rather than help him up while being berated for her lousy liberal driving.
"Damn it, a good Republican wife would have reversed to make sure she had killed me."
Jeffrey was taken to the hospital for the back and neck injuries he endured while saving America from a socialist apocalypse. Jeffrey's brother, Mike, knew who was really to blame -- after the media asked his opinion for some reason, he replied that "These crazy liberal nuts are always pulling this crap." The "crap" being "Not stopping fast enough when a Republican flings his squishy body in front of your Dodge Durango to stop you from voting."
Scott Walker wound up winning anyway, but the couple have yet to solve things and are now in the middle of a divorce. This is why you always ask your partner's party affiliation on the first date, kids.
"Oh, I like Ron Pau-"
#5. Woman Sues a Little League Player for Half a Million Dollars
Eleven-year-old Matthew Migliaccio was warming up the pitcher before a friendly game of Little League baseball when, apparently underestimating his own strength, he lobbed a ball that flew straight over the pitcher's head and hit Elizabeth Lloyd, who was sitting nearby, in the face.
Migliaccio ran over quickly to see if she was OK, at which point she allegedly shrugged it off and told the kid that these things happen. If you know that balls are going to be tossed around, you should be prepared to take one on the chin every now and then.
This also applies to those of you working in porn.
Apparently, Lloyd changed her mind, because fairly soon after the ordeal, Migliaccio began receiving threatening letters from her on a regular basis. But perhaps she was just blowing off steam the way that most of us like to do, by mercilessly harassing an 11-year-old. But the situation only escalated -- two years later, the woman went ahead and sued Migliaccio for a mind-boggling $500,000. In her suit are the allegations that his throw was "intentional and reckless" and that Migliaccio "assaulted and battered" her. Apparently, it wasn't so much a bad throw as a really, really good one.
Migliaccio's lawyer has replied to the claims sarcastically: "What are we gonna do, take his bike? He's 11." But the fiasco doesn't end with Elizabeth Lloyd's lawsuit -- on top of that, her husband is also suing Migliaccio for "the loss of services, society and consortium of his wife," which is to say that the middle schooler hit her so hard with a baseball that they couldn't have sex for two years. Holy crap, can even Roger Clemens throw libido-erasing fastballs? And this kid is just 11! Hey Yankees, sign him to a deal already!
"Coming in for relief, Matthew 'Vagikil' Migliacciooooooo!"
#4. Rejected U.S. Army Pilot Buzzes the White House
In 1974, Robert Preston was accepted into the U.S. Army and was training to be a helicopter pilot, but unfortunately for him, he flunked out of the training. It's understandable that someone might take that pretty hard, but Preston decided that he would show them just how well he could fly a chopper. By which we mean he decided to show the president directly.
So he stole a helicopter from Fort Meade and proceeded to fly it to Washington, D.C. Once there, he hovered it above the White House for six minutes, presumably thinking that the president would run out onto the lawn, call up the Army and say, "Hire this kid! He hovers with the grace of an angel visiting from heaven itself!"
"Once I've endangered his life with stolen government property, he's sure to let me fly Army One!"
Naturally, the Secret Service was not amused by these antics. Preston landed the helicopter after his stunt, but once he realized that those armed men weren't coming over to congratulate him and declare him the president's personal helicopterist, he took off, and a helicopter chase over Washington, D.C., ensued, with Preston actually forcing one of the police choppers down with his skillful flying.
Possibly figuring that that might have been enough to prove himself, Preston returned to the White House, probably hoping for a warmer welcome. Instead, he was met by gunfire. He finally got the hint and landed, then was promptly arrested. He received a measly one year in jail for the stunt. Amazingly, he still wasn't allowed to be a pilot.