13 Old-Timey Photos That Prove History Was Haunted

#6. He Had the Worst Babysitter in History

neatorama.com
This is what Hitler's stork delivery must have looked like.

Damn, being a kid back in the day sucked. This is staged, obviously, but the look of terror on the baby's face -- that's not something you can fake with trick photography. So he wasn't stolen by a large bird, but we're not sure how "irreparably traumatized by a film crew" is any better.

This is a still from Rescued from an Eagle's Nest, a 1908 short film best known for starring future director and racist D.W. Griffith as "Lumberjack who neglects bird-snatched baby." However, given the lack of special effects in those days, it wouldn't surprise us if the director just left a baby near some eagles, grabbed his camera and a bottle of moonshine, and waited.

#5. We Had No Idea David Blaine Was Around in the 1930s ...

forgetomori.com

That's a medium from the 1930s by the name of Colin Evans who's in the middle of either a seance or a very elaborate seminar on autoerotic asphyxiation. The photo was published in the Daily Mirror in 1938, and it's still making the rounds today as evidence that human levitation is possible, because how else do you explain this freaky shit?

deadhorsebrooklyn.tumblr.com
It's hard for a psychic to look dignified when his "I'm levitating" face is also his "I'm pooping" face.

Other than "He jumped off a chair," of course, which is exactly what he did.

forgetomori.com
The trick is to sit on a very sharp nail.

Evans claimed that he could only levitate in total darkness, mainly so that no one would see him get on the chair, jump off and trigger the camera's flash with the string you can see in his left hand. Before you make fun of how gullible people from the '30s were for falling for this silly bullshit, consider the fact that Criss Angel probably owns a yacht.

#4. The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse

reelfxart.blogspot.com
We didn't know they had jousting matches in hell.

This guy is about to either fight some zombies or explore an irradiated wasteland, and somehow, you get the feeling that there isn't a human face under that mask. If that is a mask.

He's actually a German soldier in World War I, back when the transition from horse to tank still wasn't fully complete. However, while we have to question the effectiveness of using a lance to take on machine guns, the psychological effect of charging the enemy with a sharp stick in a gas mask from atop a black steed can't be underestimated.

#3. And You Thought Going to Disney Now Was a Nightmare

forcesofgeek.com
It takes the shape of whatever your children love the most, and makes you watch as it devours them.

These are real Disneyland costumes from back when they spent less money on making the characters look accurate and more on porn dungeons. Mickey here looks like big chunks of flesh have been ripped off his face, presumably after catching Pluto on a bad day, and Minnie's tragic expression indicates that the domestic situation at the Mouse household wasn't all that great back then.

forcesofgeek.com
Is that a cigarette burn on her face? Mickey, you bastard.

#2. House of Wax Was a True Story

io9.com

It turns out that melted wax figures look almost as disturbing as melted people. This photo shows the aftermath of a fire in Madame Tussaud's London museum in 1930, which had to be before they stopped granting sentience to each mannequin, because these wax figures are clearly suffering. The men are in various stages of mourning the loss of their hands ...

io9.com
Denial, acceptance and "AAAAHHH, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

The woman on the left is still reliving the moment that the flames went up ...

io9.com

... and the woman sitting down has seen things, man.

io9.com
That, or she's about to puke up a fifth of SoCo.

Then there's the decapitated body about to poop on his own head, plus his friend's. Tragic. Just tragic.

io9.com
"Awww, come on."

#1. All That's Missing Is the Tentacle Rape

pinktentacle.com

No, that's not Krang from the Ninja Turtles -- that's what passed for an anatomy lesson in old-timey Japan.

Even in the old days, Japan was weirder than the West. They took one look at those dissected babies we showed you earlier and said, "Eh, we could make the study of anatomy way more disgusting than that." These drawings were directly copied from the corpses of the decapitated criminals that Japanese medics would perform anatomy studies on. This might explain why the artists decided to capture the agonizing pain of their deaths in morbid detail. Sometimes it's like the look of shock on their faces from those moments before the decapitation still persists.

pinktentacle.com
"Heeey, what's that katana for?"

And other times, it's like they find the whole situation terribly droll.

pinktentacle.com
"Oh man, I have such a headache."



You can read more from Mark at Zug and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Or check out his personal website.

For more reasons to nuke the past, check out 7 Terrifying Prehistoric Creatures (That Are Still Around) and 15 Old Photographs That Prove the World Used to Be Insane.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Last House on the Right: When Horror Movies Get Real

And stop by LinkSTORM to contribute to our time machine Kickstarter.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed. Are you on Google+? So are we!

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

629 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!