Cracked Round-Up: Dancing on Summer's Grave Edition

Yes, it's still hot as balls in most of the country. But we're now well on our way to the end of August, and the worst is surely past us. Soon we'll all be able to enjoy balmy winter days, applying only low-SPF sunscreen and occasionally wearing sweaters at night. It might not get cold enough to kill the bugs, but at least we won't stroke out as often while walking around outside!

Gladstone kicked our week off on a welcoming note, with a look at three kinds of people that need to go away. Ian Fortey took us into the creepy-zone with three ways we'll use our future robot servants. Christina told us to calm the hell down about a few things, while Soren Bowie wrote the world's first honest guides for hikers. Brockway took us back to a batshit crazier time through the magic of photography and Bucholz taught us how to recognize when the townspeople are turning violent.

MARTIAL INCOMPETENCE

The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of War Most people are really, really bad at their jobs. That's true for the guy at the McDonald's drive through and it's true for our warfighters.

Notable Comment: "There's nothing more awkward than showing up for a war several hours early when the other side hasn't even had time to stock its gunpowder. In those cases, it's recommended that the opposing side's commander bring a bottle of wine and offer to discuss surrender terms. From Emily Post's Guide To A Well-Mannered War, 1936."

Videostoreguy is an ill-mannered buffoon, clearly the proper beverage with which to cater a surrender is cinnamon brandy.

SEVENTH THROUGH ELEVENTH

The 5 Weirdest Sixth Senses Humans Have Without Knowing It Man, none of this shit was even mentioned in the "Being a Person" manual we all got.

Notable Comment: "Has anyone made a Sixth Sense joke yet about seeing dead people? Can I be that guy?"

No, brainspew. You can not.

BOOZE LIES

The 5 Most Ridiculous Drinking Myths You Probably Believe Party safe, folks. Dead people very rarely read our website.

Notable Comment: "i always thought absinthe was a crazy drug worse than crack or heroin.... like the sugar cube you burn on that fancy spoon, i thought that was the drug, like meth or something, that would f**k you up when you burned and drank the green drink.... lol (obviously now i don't, but its interesting i thought this way until like 2 years ago and i'm 28)..."

Firebaby, you sound like the perfect person to test our new mixed drink. We're calling it the Melted Crack and Licorice Spritzer.

HARD MODE

The 6 Most Absurdly Difficult Video Game Puzzles Sometimes game designers have terrible, infuriating days. This article is what happens when they take their frustration to work.

Notable Comment: "Art students are NOT useless. They can contribute to the economy like everyone else, right?"

Necromacy is still living in a beautiful fantasy world.

BRAIN BOOST

5 Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Smarter That's right, drop out of college right now. The entries on this list are all the extra smart your brainmeats need.

Notable Comment: "I find that wearing my bikini in important exams does not help my performance at all. Mainly because I lose so much time making sure my balls hav'nt popped out."

GeneralMayhem, you aren't alone in your suffering. One day we'll live in a world where bikinis are designed for the modern be-testicled wearer.

Today's Topic

The Scientific Explanation for People Who Believe in Ghosts While you might want to file this under 'science ruins everything,' we're at least somewhat encouraged to know that it's technically possible to fart a ghost into existence.

YOU YOU YOU!

14 Website Mergers We Wish Would Happen We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Small Changes That Make Adorable Things Terrifying, Awkward Moments From Behind the Scenes of Famous Movies, Original Uses of Famous Products and The Plans of Video Game Villains, Charted.