#2. Your Addictive Tendencies
An "addictive personality" isn't exactly something you'd brag about in a job interview, unless you're applying to be that guy who smokes all of the excess meth the police confiscate (that's a real job, right?). So if you're a person who's vulnerable to addiction, not only do you have your genes working against you, but you're also a liability to anyone stupid enough to put you on the payroll. You'd better keep that addictive personality shit on the down low.
"And if you hire me, I promise I'll never steal something that the company was going to use."
After all, what addicts have ever become successful at anything? Well, other than all of those famous actors and pro athletes. And all of those '80s stockbrokers who spent all of their income on cocaine. And all of the other great men and women in history who, in between world-changing accomplishments, were hopelessly addicted to alcohol, or sex, or gambling. Wait a second ... does addiction actually make people successful?
No, it's not causation, it's correlation. The same traits that push people toward dope, booze, constant sex, etc. are what also make them good leaders. And not just leaders of a ragtag hobo army, either. Leaders in business.
"OK, every time we go up a percentage point on profits, we take a shot. But you have to slap Jim's bare ass."
It all goes back to our brains. For people who are wired for addiction, it's not that they've got one specific gene pushing them toward self-destructive behavior. They actually have a variety of genes that suppress dopamine in the pleasure-seeking part of their brain, so it takes a greater volume of thrill-seeking or risk-taking to get the high most of us would get from discovering a snack pack of Doritos at the back of the pantry.
These guys have a strong compulsion toward risk and novelty, but due to their brain chemistry, they can't derive as much pleasure from those activities. For some, that means becoming an alcoholic or a drug addict. For others, however, it means compulsive risk-taking, innovation and living like you've got the biggest balls on the planet. And when that's not enough, maybe a little blow on the side.
"I smell a promotion! No, wait, that's cocaine. I smell cocaine."
#1. What Side You Sit On
So you've done everything right. You have a boring name, you're a former prom king and potential junkie and, depending on your ethnicity, you've either gotten a rejuvenating facial or scoured your face with a crab shell. Congratulations! You're hired!
"But even your own office is just a larger cubicle. Now to hang myself."
Going forward, you're going to want to stay on your boss's good side, literally. A series of studies by the New School for Social Research found that people's preference for their dominant hand is so subconsciously powerful that it makes them favor things that happen on that side of their body, to an absurd extent.
Your boss not only turns to his dominant side more frequently, but views things that happen on that side as positive. Fart on his writing side and he'll think you're hilarious. Fart on his non-writing side and he'll pinch his nose and say "Who ordered a shit sandwich?" and then fire you in front of everyone. Don't blame him, this is science.
"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of -- he thinks you're a douche, and he's probably going to slap you."
And it wasn't just who to hire or promote, either. The study found that right or left placement affected "Which of two products to buy, which of two applicants to hire or which of two alien creatures looks more trustworthy."
Wait, what? Damn it, test subjects, how many times do we have to tell you? If you get called into a lab and are made to judge between multiple species of alien creature, no one involved is trustworthy.
For more unseen factors that are totally controlling your life, check out The 5 Weirdest Things That Influence How Your Food Tastes and 6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Museum-Worthy Finds that People Ate Instead.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn why you can't stop touching yourself down there.
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