Whether you agree with outlawing certain drugs or not, most of them are illegal for a reason, right? Especially the really hard ones -- they're like muggers, waiting for you to stumble down some dark alley so they can take all your money and leave you bloody and covered in sores. However, much like Darth Vader, some of them aren't completely evil, or even as bad as they seem. Sometimes, under bizarre circumstances, they actually help people, in ways you might not expect.
Let's say you're driving your son home from a nail-biting extra innings Little League victory. Before you can stop at McDonald's for a congratulatory Happy Meal to cancel out the past three hours of physical activity, you cheerfully let him know that you have to swing by the marina and pick up two bloody duffel bags of Bolivian Marching Powder from Uncle Icepick's cigarette boat.
The errand complete, you're pulling in to the McDonald's parking lot when a hipster rear-ends you at 35 mph because he was too busy sending a self-congratulatory tweet about how he never stops at said McDonald's to notice your turn signal. The duffel bags fly into the front seat, smashing your son's head into the dashboard and opening a substantial gash on his forehead. The first man on the scene says, "I'm a doctor! Quick, rub that cocaine on your child's face!"
"Use the pure stuff, not the bag you cut with drain cleaner!"
OK, that guy is probably not a medical professional, but many pediatricians do in fact recommend using cocaine on children who have wounds. You see, cocaine has a couple of important properties that make it a valuable tool for treating lacerations. First, it is an effective local anesthetic. Once applied, it numbs the relevant area very quickly, typically in less than two minutes.
Secondly, cocaine is very effective at restricting bleeding, or even stopping it completely. It's a vasoconstrictor -- a drug that narrows blood vessels. The smaller a blood vessel gets, the less you bleed. As an additional benefit, once you've scoured your son's open wound with cocaine, not only will the pain be dulled and the bleeding stop, but he won't give a shit anymore.
"I feel fine now, we should just hang out and talk. Why don't we ever just talk? We should talk."
Of course, in a doctor's office, you won't see him or her dump an eight ball of coke on your kid's face. Doctors use a solution called TAC that is commonly used to treat bad cuts on the head, face or neck of kids, and it is 11 percent cocaine (roughly equal to a vial of Tony Montana's sweat). It's used because it is less painful and invasive than injecting a topical anesthetic and it doesn't distort or misshape the wound, which can increase the chance of scarring. No other drug combines the properties of a vasoconstrictor and an anesthetic. See, now when the cops show up to the accident, you can claim that those bags of coke are simply your first-aid kit.
Let's say you're on your second case of Keystone Lite and you've been watching old Wrestlemanias on Netflix for the past 72 hours. You haven't gotten off of the couch in over a week to do anything but drive your scooter in a hazy serpentine path down the street to the Circle K for more beer. Upon your return, you find that your concerned friends have staged an impromptu intervention, pointing out that your drinking is killing you.
After telling you that they care about you and want to see you get better, they pull out some strips of LSD, insisting that a hit of acid will put you on the fast track toward recovery.
And then you're all like, "Wait, why'd we have to get dressed up for this again?"
And they're right. Studies show that once the walls are finished melting and you're done talking to the universe, your chances of staying away from alcohol will be dramatically increased post-trip. An extensive study done in the 1960s and '70s showed that recovering alcoholics are much less apt to drink excessively, and some even stopped drinking entirely for several months.
Because all drinks now look like this to them.
And this wasn't just one test performed on a few dozen people trading one addiction for another -- six tests were done on over 500 participants, all based on administering a single dose of acid.
The LSD made the patients feel more confident, happy and satisfied with their lives, decreasing the feelings that led most of them to abuse alcohol in the first place. The effects lasted for about six months, at which point, if LSD were legal, the patients would be able to return to a treatment clinic for another dose, repeating the process until they were able to transition into (relative) sobriety.
So your friend is driving your heroin-addicted ass to the methadone clinic, when all of a sudden her water breaks all over her floor mat and she starts going into labor. Fighting through the haze of the beginning stages of heroin withdrawal, you manage to shakily steer the car to the nearest hospital and stagger into the lobby for help. The nurses rush out and say, "Hurry! Get both of these people some heroin!"
"I'm sorry, but Scott Weiland was just in here, and we had to use every last bit of heroin to make his spiders go away."
Heroin, as you may know, is an opiate, a class of drugs commonly used as painkillers (heroin itself is actually much more effective than morphine, working its magic in about two or three minutes). The National Health Service (NHS) in Britain recommends giving it to people in extreme pain, people in surgery and women in labor.
"Thanks, heroin! I'll be thanking you again in a few hours."
That's right -- the NHS, which is made up of medical professionals who have each read at least one book, gives heroin to pregnant women. The women are given an injection of it to help with the contractions as they blast their progeny out with vagina propulsion. Because the child is on its way out of its mother's body, the one-time use doesn't do any damage and doesn't cause dependency, although the newborns won't stop crying until the doctors put on a Miles Davis record.
As for you, you could get some methadone, but if you really need it, the doctors will just straight up give you heroin for your trouble. You see, some addiction treatment centers give out medical heroin to addicts who don't respond to methadone, with the idea of keeping them safe and off the streets while simultaneously weaning them off of the china white dragon.