Whether you agree with outlawing certain drugs or not, most of them are illegal for a reason, right? Especially the really hard ones -- they're like muggers, waiting for you to stumble down some dark alley so they can take all your money and leave you bloody and covered in sores. However, much like Darth Vader, some of them aren't completely evil, or even as bad as they seem. Sometimes, under bizarre circumstances, they actually help people, in ways you might not expect.
5Cocaine Treats Wounds on Children
Let's say you're driving your son home from a nail-biting extra innings Little League victory. Before you can stop at McDonald's for a congratulatory Happy Meal to cancel out the past three hours of physical activity, you cheerfully let him know that you have to swing by the marina and pick up two bloody duffel bags of Bolivian Marching Powder from Uncle Icepick's cigarette boat.
The errand complete, you're pulling in to the McDonald's parking lot when a hipster rear-ends you at 35 mph because he was too busy sending a self-congratulatory tweet about how he never stops at said McDonald's to notice your turn signal. The duffel bags fly into the front seat, smashing your son's head into the dashboard and opening a substantial gash on his forehead. The first man on the scene says, "I'm a doctor! Quick, rub that cocaine on your child's face!"
"Use the pure stuff, not the bag you cut with drain cleaner!"
OK, that guy is probably not a medical professional, but many pediatricians do in fact recommend using cocaine on children who have wounds. You see, cocaine has a couple of important properties that make it a valuable tool for treating lacerations. First, it is an effective local anesthetic. Once applied, it numbs the relevant area very quickly, typically in less than two minutes.
Secondly, cocaine is very effective at restricting bleeding, or even stopping it completely. It's a vasoconstrictor -- a drug that narrows blood vessels. The smaller a blood vessel gets, the less you bleed. As an additional benefit, once you've scoured your son's open wound with cocaine, not only will the pain be dulled and the bleeding stop, but he won't give a shit anymore.
"I feel fine now, we should just hang out and talk. Why don't we ever just talk? We should talk."
Of course, in a doctor's office, you won't see him or her dump an eight ball of coke on your kid's face. Doctors use a solution called TAC that is commonly used to treat bad cuts on the head, face or neck of kids, and it is 11 percent cocaine (roughly equal to a vial of Tony Montana's sweat). It's used because it is less painful and invasive than injecting a topical anesthetic and it doesn't distort or misshape the wound, which can increase the chance of scarring. No other drug combines the properties of a vasoconstrictor and an anesthetic. See, now when the cops show up to the accident, you can claim that those bags of coke are simply your first-aid kit.