Today's fighting games are mostly about throwing together characters from different fictional universes, settling once and for all those childhood debates we had about whether or not Wolverine could beat up Guile from Street Fighter. So, for instance, we have Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter, which had a pool of 17 characters to choose from. Unless you played the Japanese version, that is, which had 18.
Why the disparity? The Japanese versions of the game included an exclusive character called Norimaro, a skeevy older man dressed like a schoolboy, created and played by Japanese comedian Noritake Kinashi.
We're still trying to unlock Borat in Mortal Kombat.
His entire backstory is that he accidentally ended up at the tournament and now he's there to take Chun-Li's picture. That's seriously it. If you beat the game with him, he steals her panties. No, really.
His moves include grabbing random junk out of his bag and throwing it (rulers, pencils, books, etc.), desperately spinning his arms around like a windmill, Bart Simpson style, slipping on banana peels (which then fly toward the opponent) and begging for autographs.
An advanced technique taught only by TMZ masters.
Apparently, Capcom actually considered including him in the American release, because his files are still in the game and some of his lines have been translated into English. He's just not available to be selected (without hacking).
And in a bit of cut-material Inception, the insane deleted character has an insane deleted super move. Hackers have discovered animations for a move where Norimaro dreams of a random female character in a seductive pose and then spurts blood from his nose. Opponents hit by the blood are damaged.
Norimaro's "finishing" move.
Every female character in the game could have shown up in Norimaro's dream bubbles, including one named Anita, who's only 10 years old ...
... and, um, Zangief.
Maybe he got the wrong idea when he heard that Zangief was a bear wrestler.
The original Mega Man was kind of a cyborg boy scout. The robot next door. Apparently, no one passed that message on to the Japanese team behind Mega Man Legends, an open-world RPG for the Sony PlayStation.
The game runs like a standard RPG. You do typical good-guy stuff, like helping people and running errands. In one mission, you assist a girl who has been chased up a pole by a dog. In the American version, you can talk the dog out of mauling this little girl.
"Hey, that's a great point. Too bad I'm a fucking dog and can't understand you."
In the Japanese version, however, you have the alternate choice of kicking the ever-loving shit out of it. Damn, Mega Man. When did you absorb Michael Vick's powers?
But hey, man, that dog was nuts. Did you see that? Even a robot has gotta make split decisions. Except in later parts of the game, you encounter other dogs and can punt them like footballs, too. This was even present in the American version, but you can only kick them once. In the Japanese version, you can actually kick them to death, if you're OK with Mega Man being a sociopath.
"Fuck you, Sarah McLachlan!"
To be fair, those dogs are also trying to kill you ... but that still doesn't explain why the Japanese version allows you to kick harmless cats. Oh, and wantonly shoot down birds. You don't get anything from them. It doesn't help you. You just can. Because you have an arm cannon, and what good is it if not for senseless animal cruelty?
"Somebody point me toward the zoo. I gots to make a zebra pay."
Atomic Bomberman is a 1997 edition of the classic Bomberman series: You know, those puzzle games where you go around planting bombs and pissing off your friends.
Terrorism has rarely been this fun.
As a PC game, Atomic Bomberman's main innovation over the Bomberman games for Nintendo consoles was the addition of voice acting. As you knocked out or blew up the other players, your character would say things like "gotcha," "toasted" ... or (originally) "Time for a fuckin' dirtnap, you shitfuck."
That's right; the disc contains an audio file with a hilarious, profane audio track, and it's not just the programmers screwing around -- they had the actual voice talent record profane lines for every in-game situation. You can hear it for yourself, though you might want to keep the volume down if you're at work:
If the voices sound familiar, that's because the voice actors are none other than Billy West (Fry from Futurama) and Charles Adler (Buster Bunny in Tiny Toon Adventures). Some highlights:
"Come on, biatch."
"I'll break your fuckin' head with a ratchet."
"Right there, sweet tits." (This one's for the bonus Strip Joint level.)
"Fuck me, I'm so fucking proud of you I could just shit." (Actually, we don't wanna know what this one is from.)
Probably from the fact that he hasn't committed suicide even though he looks like that.
The actors repeat the lines in the voice of each character, so it's not like they were just shooting the shit and someone recorded it. That means they were planning to include those lines in the game at some point, back when video game profanity was still a big deal. Think about it: Mario 64 had only come out the year before, and Atomic Bomberman almost sounded like a bunch of teens fighting on Xbox Live.
For more disturbing things in games we wish didn't exist, check out 8 Creepy Video Game Urban Legends (That Happen to Be True) and 7 Creepy Video Game Easter Eggs You'll Wish Were Never Found.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Why Peyton Manning Is the Steve Jobs of the NFL.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see the naked level in Cracked After Hours.
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