#3. Groundhog Day -- Andie MacDowell Had Sex With an Ageless God
The Movie Romance
Phil Connors (Bill Murray) gets stuck in a time loop because he's an asshole. After being forced to relive the same day over and over thousands of times, Phil slowly learns how to not be an asshole and wins the heart of his co-worker Rita (Andie MacDowell), thereby breaking the curse.
"Awesome. Now, back to being a jerk."
The Creepy Implications
The movie itself doesn't say how many times Phil repeats the same day (it distills the bulk of it down to a montage), but there are some clues. As we've discussed before, the original script states that Phil spent 10,000 years trapped in the time loop. That would mean that Rita is now dating a man not only who is older than human civilization, but who intellectually would find it almost impossible to relate to mere mortals.
We guess that would apply to dating both Phil Connors and Bill Murray.
But even if we ignore the script, Phil still has to be incredibly old. Consider the fact that by the end of the movie, he's an expert piano player, French speaker, ice sculptor and bank robber, among other things, none of which he could do before being trapped in the time loop. Psychologists have determined that you need "10,000 hours of deliberate practice, usually under expert tutelage" to become an expert in something -- Phil didn't have expert tutelage (the piano teacher, for instance, couldn't keep up with him after a while), plus he could only practice these things for limited hours every day, and he was in no hurry anyway. He has to be a few hundred years old, at least.
It probably took another several years to teach that groundhog how to drive.
By the end of the movie, not only is he a genius with a shit-ton of skills; he's also learned the intricate details of the lives of everyone in the town (including literally everything about Rita), he knows how to use these details to manipulate everyone around him like they were puppets and, oh yeah, he knows what death feels like. What we're saying here is that at the end of Groundhog Day, Bill Murray is a god.
Or at least he's advanced as far from us as we have from cavemen, and consequently Rita is so much his intellectual inferior that their relationship is like ... well, like doing it with a cavewoman. What could they possibly have in common now, besides their mutual hatred of Sonny & Cher?
#2. Starman -- An Alien Impersonates a Woman's Dead Husband
The Movie Romance
The Starman, an alien from a faraway planet, crash lands on Earth and romances a woman named Jenny Hayden, who initially resists him but finally gives in to his charms. Starman has to return to his home planet at the end of the movie, but he leaves Jenny with a little present: She's now pregnant with his space child.
"Seriously, it's like the end of 2001 inside your belly right now."
The Creepy Implications
So how exactly does a normal human woman fall for a creep from another galaxy? Mainly because he's using the body of her dead husband (Jeff Bridges).
He wasn't as sexy before all those white Russians.
Starman comes from a planet impossibly different from our own (at the end he says that if he took Jenny there she'd die), and his natural form appears to be a blue ball of energy. Literally the only reason that Jenny gives him the time of day is because he's hanging out in a body he cloned from her dead hubby, someone so important to her that she obsessively watches old home movies just so she can see him again. If a strange creature shows up wearing his face, of course she's gonna jump his bones.
In fact, he could treat her like absolute shit and she'd still do it -- we know this because that's exactly what he does. First he holds her at gunpoint ...
"This is how advanced alien civilizations solve problems."
... and when she tries to get help from a passing driver, he nearly explodes the crap out of the guy with his magical alien powers. Eventually she falls for him due to a combination of Stockholm syndrome and the fact that he looks like her freaking dead husband, and shortly after they have sex, he casually tells her, "I gave you a baby tonight" and mentions that it will "know everything I know."
"He's gonna be a huuuuuge douchebag."
Finally, Starman gives her a sphere containing some alien magic for her trouble (the equivalent of $10 on the nightstand), and then skedaddles off on his UFO. Honestly, we don't know what director John Carpenter was thinki- wait a second, this is a John Carpenter movie where an alien with the power to assume the appearance of any human crash lands on Earth and proceeds to sow chaos and confusion everywhere as it desperately tries to get back to its spaceship while being pursued by soldiers and scientists?!
Holy balls, Jenny fucked The Thing.
At least we know what the baby's gonna look like.
#1. The Time Traveler's Wife -- Eric Bana Seduces a 6-Year-Old Girl
The Movie Romance
Henry (Eric Bana), a man with a bizarre condition that causes him to spontaneously travel in time at random moments, meets, marries and impregnates a woman named Clare (Rachel McAdams), who travels through time at the usual rate of one second per second. Sci-fi aspects aside, in the end this is just a classic love story about a couple pulling through adversity ...
"My turn to do the dishes? Whoops, there I go again!"
The Creepy Implications
... except for the part where the dude seduced a 6-year-old girl.
Henry meets Clare when they're both in their 20s, but it turns out she already knew him: In fact, Clare tells him that she's been in love with him all her life. Henry's like "Neat," and they have sex. After that, he finds and reads the diary Clare wrote as a little girl, where she's drawn a bunch of pictures of the two of them as a married couple:
"... and then we'll do it on the floor, while other couples watch."
Later, we see the opposite situation: Henry travels to the past and Clare meets him for the first time ... except this time, he's older and she's only 6 years old. Also, he's naked and hiding in the bushes (his clothes don't travel with him, like in Terminator). Little Clare thinks she should call her mom, because they've probably gone through this exact same scenario at school, but Henry tells her, "No no no, don't tell Mommy, just hand me that blanket." The entire scene is supremely creepy.
So, Henry befriends the little girl, knowing that this will result in Clare getting a crush on him that will last her entire childhood (and thus the easiest lay of his life), which brings us back to our first point: Holy shit, this is a movie where the main character seduces a 6-year-old girl.
Hey, it's technically sci-fi. The rules are different, don't judge.
Later still, adult Clare totally calls Henry out when she yells that he "forced [himself] into the heart and the mind of a little girl," which is one way of putting it, we suppose. Now, you could argue that there was nothing Henry could do about it: He's actually tried to change events many times, but it never worked, so even if Henry didn't actively pursue this little girl, she would have fallen in love with him anyway.
Doesn't that make things worse, though? That means there's no such thing as free will -- Clare even acknowledges it during the argument, when she says, "I never had a choice." And, what do you know, the very next scene is her having sex with Henry.
Also, if there's no free will -- isn't all sex rape?
For more creepy bits of fiction, check out 9 Beloved Characters Made Horrifying by Japan and The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 5 Car Designs You Won't Believe Were Actually Approved.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn why 'Sleeping Beauty' is absolutely terrifying.
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