4Tron: Legacy -- Flynn's Son Hooks Up With a Computer Program
The Movie Romance
Twenty-seven years after the original Tron, Flynn (Jeff Bridges) has gone missing, and his son, Sam, goes into the computer world to find him. While he's there, Sam hooks up with a hot warrior chick called Quorra and ends up bringing her into the real world.
Thankfully, we were spared a montage of her learning the wonders of pooping.
The Creepy Implications
The movie never hides the fact that Quorra may look like a human female, but she's actually a computer program. She's an ISO, a program that appeared spontaneously, but she's still a program. In other words, Sam is now dating a bunch of lines of code.
The guy is a freak.
Sure, Quorra learned a bit about the real world from Flynn (and a few books he brought with him in the '80s), but that doesn't change the fact that "she's" as human as an MP3 file. And we put "she" between quotes because the only thing that makes Quorra female is that it has a female-shaped body; in actual fact, it's just as genderless as, say, HAL 9000, or this very webpage.
And yeah, Sam manages to bring Quorra into the human world at the end of the movie, but that doesn't mean it stops being a program -- after all, when Sam himself was digitized into the computer world, he didn't stop being human (the villain realized this when Sam started bleeding). Basically, Sam has brought into the real world a sexless computer program with little understanding of how to be human or behave socially. She's as out of place here as Sam was in the land of neon bodysuits and condom helmets.
"We're gonna eat these things called habanero peppers. Just shove as many as you can at once in your face."
For the sake of argument, let's say she does become real at the end of the movie: Well, that only makes things worse. Quorra was born out of the programming created by Sam's dad, who also acted as her father figure for years, meaning that she's essentially his daughter, too. So, Sam hooked up with either a bunch of soulless lines of code or his sister.
You'd still do it, wouldn't you?
3Groundhog Day -- Andie MacDowell Had Sex With an Ageless God
The Movie Romance
Phil Connors (Bill Murray) gets stuck in a time loop because he's an asshole. After being forced to relive the same day over and over thousands of times, Phil slowly learns how to not be an asshole and wins the heart of his co-worker Rita (Andie MacDowell), thereby breaking the curse.
"Awesome. Now, back to being a jerk."
The Creepy Implications
The movie itself doesn't say how many times Phil repeats the same day (it distills the bulk of it down to a montage), but there are some clues. As we've discussed before, the original script states that Phil spent 10,000 years trapped in the time loop. That would mean that Rita is now dating a man not only who is older than human civilization, but who intellectually would find it almost impossible to relate to mere mortals.
We guess that would apply to dating both Phil Connors and Bill Murray.
But even if we ignore the script, Phil still has to be incredibly old. Consider the fact that by the end of the movie, he's an expert piano player, French speaker, ice sculptor and bank robber, among other things, none of which he could do before being trapped in the time loop. Psychologists have determined that you need "10,000 hours of deliberate practice, usually under expert tutelage" to become an expert in something -- Phil didn't have expert tutelage (the piano teacher, for instance, couldn't keep up with him after a while), plus he could only practice these things for limited hours every day, and he was in no hurry anyway. He has to be a few hundred years old, at least.
It probably took another several years to teach that groundhog how to drive.
By the end of the movie, not only is he a genius with a shit-ton of skills; he's also learned the intricate details of the lives of everyone in the town (including literally everything about Rita), he knows how to use these details to manipulate everyone around him like they were puppets and, oh yeah, he knows what death feels like. What we're saying here is that at the end of Groundhog Day, Bill Murray is a god.
Or at least he's advanced as far from us as we have from cavemen, and consequently Rita is so much his intellectual inferior that their relationship is like ... well, like doing it with a cavewoman. What could they possibly have in common now, besides their mutual hatred of Sonny & Cher?