Got a taste for adventure? Let's face it -- even skydiving and bungee jumping are pretty passe these days. Your friends have all done that shit before. If you really want a tourist experience that will make your loved ones demand "What the Christ were you thinking!?" then we have a few recommendations for you.
#8. You Can Rent a Tank in Minnesota
Paintball is for pussies. What's the point of shooting at people if there's no real potential to kill them? At Drive A Tank in Kasota, Minnesota, you can throw away the toys and live every man's dream of wrecking stuff from behind the wheel of a Vietnam-era death machine.
"Please keep maniacal laughter under 10 seconds in duration."
For a measly few hundred dollars, they will let you take a joyride in a genuine tank and wreak untold destruction in a family friendly environment. They have a 20-acre facility, an indoor range for firing machine guns and loads of mechanized artillery to choose from to satisfy your lust for destruction.
There are packages to fit every budget, too. For the right price, you can even take that bad boy over a car or two, monster truck style. Unfortunately, they choose the car, so you can't just pick the asshole who cut you off in traffic this morning.
Drive a Tank
"Sorry, I was texting."
That's just the beginning -- the car-crushing feature proved so popular that the company now lets you upgrade to crushing mobile homes. Sure, there are no people in there, but who's to stop you from pretending there are?
"The Johnsons sit down to dinner as one big happy family. By the time they feel the rumble, it's too late."
#7. Swim With Crocodiles in Australia
Crocodiles are terrifying throwbacks to the dinosaur age, with one of the strongest bites in the animal kingdom. So, for the intrepid death-seeker, it's not enough to just see them in the zoo -- you want to climb into the water and laugh right in their ugly faces. That's why Crocosaurus Cove in Darwin, Australia, built what they quite honestly bill as the Cage of Death, in which you can spend 15 minutes eye-to-eye with a 19-foot, 2,000-pound killing machine.
The Daily Mail
"We decided that 'Cage of Death' looked better on brochures than 'Crocodile-Assisted Suicide'."
And the best part is that the cages are sturdy, transparent plexiglass, which increases the realism for both the participants and the giant territorial reptiles whose home you are invading.
The Daily Mail
"Mi estomago es su casa."
The guides at Crocosaurus Cove freely admit that the crocs don't like it when people are dunked into their tanks and feel obliged to attack, as shown here.
And just in case the animals fail to associate the cage and its contents with food, the operators of this ride will sometimes dangle chunks of meat off the edge.
"Pavlov's dog ain't got shit on me."
But not to worry, the last time the cable broke and the cage sunk to the bottom, the plexiglass hardly shattered at all. Oh wait, does that happen often or something? Because they sure responded quickly with that press release.
"Hey guys, can you put me in a tank that isn't named Titanic?"
#6. Ride a Lion (and Other Dangerous Animals)
OK, so what if that thin layer of plexiglass is still too much separation from the dangerous predators of the world? Lucky for you there is the Lujan Zoo near Buenos Aires, Argentina. For a small fee and a signed release form that absolves the facility of any and all wrongdoing, you can ride a full-size lion!
The Daily Mail
"Come on, honey, really dig those spurs in!"
If that's not really your thing, you can play with tigers, cuddle with cheetahs or get chewed on by bears, or whatever dangerous beasts they've got available (seasonal restrictions may apply). They pretty much open the cages to people and let them do whatever. And bring your kids, too! What can conceivably go wrong?
The Daily Mail
"Awww, he just wants to get a taste of human flesh."
But those animals are all broken-spirited shells of the majestic beasts they once were. If you want to actually participate in the nightmarish brutality of nature, head on down to the Harbin Siberian Tiger Park in China, where you can purchase live animals, tie them to the top of your glass-covered SUV and drive through a pride of ravenous murder engines. The fact that someone gets dragged off now and then only adds to the excitement.
The Thirsty Pig
Finally, all the thrill of Jurassic Park without those pesky "fences" and "safety precautions."
#5. Throw Yourself Down a Hill in a Plastic Ball
People do all kinds of crazy things to try to induce the body's natural shit-itself response. So it was only a matter of time before someone looked at a steep hill, scratched their chin and thought, "I would like to encase myself in a giant transparent ball and throw myself down this." That was the day zorbing was born.
In zorbing, the latest adrenaline sport to come out of New Zealand, they strap you inside a gigantic inflatable hamster ball and push you down a slope at speeds of up to 30 mph. That doesn't sound fast, but remember that you spend the whole time tumbling head over ass in a centrifuge likely filled with your own vomit.
"Don't worry, the ball will just spin-dry it out."
It's the perfect sport for anyone whose idea of adventure is careening down a slope in a screaming pile of dislocated limbs. And these things don't come with anything remotely resembling brakes or steering, so if you see yourself rolling toward a cliff or oncoming traffic, you have an unstoppable 30 mph drift toward doom to say whatever prayers might come to mind under the circumstances.
Cube Farm Escape
"Don't worry, babe, your life insurance policy covers death by misadventure. I'll be fine!"