#2. The Jonas Brothers Do It With the Band of Brothers
In this 50,000-word Internet novella, the Jonas Brothers are alive during the 1940s and enlist to fight in World War II. The older brother, Kevin, is sent to the Pacific, while Nick and Joe go to the Western Theater, ending up getting stuck in Bastogne with the men of the Easy Company (as seen in the HBO miniseries Band of Brothers). Naturally, boning ensues.
K-Jo fans can stop reading, he doesn't appear again.
But before that, Captain Winters (played by Damian Lewis in the miniseries) notices something suspicious about these fresh-faced young soldiers:
"Oh, and Nick?" Winters says, smiling a little bit. "Out of curiosity, how old are you really?"
Nick's stomach sinks. "Um. I'm eighteen, sir."
Even in an Army uniform he looks like a total pussbasket.
"I'm not going to bust you," Winters says. "You're what? Seventeen? Sixteen?"
He's looking at Nick in that fatherly way he has, so without quite meaning to, Nick mutters, "Sixteen."
Tiger Beats, via Layout Sparks
"By which I mean that I am really an immortal who fought in the Battle of the Bulge."
Wait, so the author could transplant the Jonas Brothers to another era almost 60 years before they were born, but aging them slightly to make what's about to happen less offensive was unacceptable? And no, we're not talking about fighting in a war.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
At one point, Nick follows Captain Nixon (Ron Livingston) to an abandoned area and they get drunk. One thing leads to another, and soon they're wrestling, which inevitably leads to making out. Rather than downplaying the fact that he's a minor, the author makes sure to point out how innocent and inexperienced little Nick Jonas is:
Well, he's only kissed one person, really, a girl from his church youth group. And that wasn't -- they just pressed their lips together for, like, a second, which was all he thought a kiss was. Not this, all tongues and wet heat, this pressing forward that makes him want things he doesn't even know about.
Namely, the penis of the guy from Office Space.
When the commanding officers find out that Captain Nixon is having a torrid love affair with a Jonas Brother, they're totally cool with it, and the lovebirds are free to continue sleeping together and sharing cocktails while the war rages on outside.
Nick brings the mimosas out a few minutes later, handing one to Nix in one of the fancy champagne flutes that came with the house.
But the worst part isn't the mimosas: It's the fact that Band of Brothers is based on real war heroes, including Captain Lewis Nixon, who came home with over a dozen decorations. None of those medals mentioned "boning Nick Jonas." None of them.
So how could it get more distasteful than that? Well ...
#1. Goku from Dragon Ball Z and Anne Frank Fall in Love, Fight Super-Hitler
The year is 1944. Little Anne Frank is hiding from the Nazis in the secret annex of her father's office building, when suddenly a strange man appears in a flash of light:
Someone who she had never seen before! His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in a spiky style that was totally new to her. She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a hand. "My name is Goku."
"I'm a member of the master race, but it's OK because we're aliens."
Goku. From Dragon Ball Z. In Anne Frank's attic.
While we can't ever hope to comprehend why this would happen, we can attempt to tell you how: Goku explains that he was "caught into a time portal" and needs a few minutes to recharge his cells before going back to his time. Those fleeting minutes, however, are more than enough for Anne to become smitten with him. She tries to kiss him, but sadly, Goku breaks her heart when he confesses that he's married, leaving in another flash of light. Anne says she'll never forget Goku until the end of time.
And yet he still didn't merit a mention in her dairy.
So wait, he's just gonna leave this young girl to die at the hands of the Nazis? That doesn't sound like the Son Goku we know. This is just the author masterfully toying with our emotions, it turns out, because just a month later, Goku returns to save Anne from the Gestapo. At that moment, he confesses his love, and the fact that he's married is never mentioned again in the story.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Let's leave aside the fact that Goku is a warrior from a superior alien race, the Saiyans, who turns blond and blue-eyed when he powers up, and Anne Frank is a Jewish girl who really existed and died in World War II ... actually, let's not leave that aside, because that's all sorts of messed up.
Unlike this, which is really just two sorts of messed up.
But then things turn even weirder when Goku and Anne fly to Paris and battle the entire Third Reich. After Goku hijacks a tank and goes on a Nazi killing spree, Hitler is met in a final confrontation:
Hitler continued laughing, then finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!" Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.
"It's over nein thousand!"
So, wait, is Hitler from Goku's race? Was his Aryan ideal actually about Super Saiyans all along? Because that ... that makes a frightening amount of sense.
After a mighty battle that would have taken at least 20 episodes of the anime series, Goku disintegrates Super Hitler with a Kamehameha, destroys the time machine and moves to Australia with Anne, where they get married and settle down. Hey, at least they spared us the sex scene in this one.