#3. Supergirl Finds Out Children's Characters Are Horrible Drivers
In cooperation with the U.S. Department of Transportation, a Supergirl comic released in 1986 encouraged children to buckle up. After all, who better than Superman's invulnerable cousin who could easily walk away from a car crash to demonstrate the need for wearing seat belts? And why let a little thing like Supergirl having been killed off the year before stop her from returning to teach a valuable lesson?
"Look how well that worked out for me!"
To show the harsh consequences of what could happen if you don't wear your seat belt, the creators of the comic chose the most down-to-earth and relatable plotline they could envision: Supergirl and some children are transported to a world inhabited by characters from nursery rhymes and fairy tales, all of whom are terrible drivers (and just terrible people, in general). For example, Humpty Dumpty is a taxi driver whose eggshell skull gets cracked in a fender bender because he refused to use a seat belt. We guess that's one way to teach kids about deadly cranial fractures.
He still fared a lot better in this story than in the nursery rhyme, though.
Supergirl also has a run-in with the Three Little Pigs, inexplicably dressed like '70s cokeheads, who are launched out of their convertible because they also don't believe in wearing their seat belts. Even more inexplicably, Supergirl doesn't let them die.
Yes, that's a self-tanning mirror there. It's that kind of comic.
Meanwhile, the Big Bad Wolf has a serious case of road rage, and tries to run the Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe (but now drives a Honda Accord) off the road. Judging by how wound up the guy seems, he might be on coke as well.
In fact, we'll assume that everyone here is, including whoever wrote this comic.
Eventually the comic runs out of classic children's stories to ruin, and Supergirl and the children reach their destination, a creepy demolition derby where you get to watch living crash-test dummies be sent through the windshield.
Don't worry, those kids are never going into a car again after this.
So what have we learned? For starters, don't do drugs, or you might make a comic book like this. But more importantly, your treasured childhood characters live in a nightmarish Mad Max-like world where you take your life in your hands just getting into a car. In fact, the cover only supports our theory that everyone here is tripping balls:
"Oh man! I'm FREAKING OUT!"
#2. Captain Planet Wants You to Stop Reproducing
If you grew up in the '90s, you probably remember Captain Planet, that environmentally focused superhero of indefinite powers whose only weakness was the very thing he fought against, namely pollution. Perhaps to take a break from being rendered useless by cigarette butts every week, an episode titled "Population Bomb" focused on the topic of overpopulation. Also radioactive militaristic rat people.
This being the '90s, the episode was probably a backdoor pilot for a series of that name.
The cartoon opens with Captain Planet saving the day when part of a skyscraper inexplicably collapses. Captain Planet explains that the cause of the near disaster was the city's population growing too fast. Not terrorism or just plain shitty construction -- somehow having lots of people around causes buildings to spontaneously crumble.
"This is all your fault, really, so I should just let this crush you."
The Planeteers decide that "Everyone should have fewer children," and praise countries that restrict births ... with the exception of Wheeler (the jackass American), who protests that "No one is gonna tell me how many kids I can have." To make sure that the character learns he's a selfish prick, though, he is later transported to a dystopian society ravaged by overpopulation. Except this society isn't in the future, because that would be too unrealistic: It's on an uncharted island ruled by talking rats.
We learn that the rats became intelligent (and bipedal) after a nuclear test happened near their island, so they began building their own modern cities and such, but then they started running out of food as their numbers grew and fell into a fascist dictatorship. Ultimately, the mouse society is wiped out and Wheeler learns a valuable lesson: "When it is your turn to have a family, keep it small."
"In the meantime, tell Mommy and Daddy to keep it in their pants!"
But, um, doesn't the whole intelligent rats business contradict the entire message of the show? Overpopulation killed them, but nuclear radiation made them smart in the first place -- does that mean dropping bombs on islands is a good thing?
Also, the name of the episode comes from a 1968 book called The Population Bomb, in which author Paul Ehrlich suggested adding chemicals to the public water supply to sterilize the population to curb population growth. If they'd just used that guy as the supervillain, it would have been a much better episode.
#1. If You Hurt Animals, the X-Men Will Mess You Up
What do you get when you combine the X-Men and Doris Day? Possibly the most deranged and ineffective animal rights PSA ever made.
In 2004, the Doris Day Animal League (which in this context sounds like an awesome superhero team, but it's actually a nonprofit animal advocacy group) joined forces with major comics publishers for a program called Comics for Compassion. As part of this program, special animal-themed issues of certain comics were produced, including a story where the X-Men tackle the problem of animal abuse the same way they'd deal with a Sentinel attack: by using their mutant powers to terrorize a bunch of kids.
The story introduces a new mutant named Squid-Boy, who has the ability to breathe underwater and, well, vaguely resemble a squid.
All the cool fish-related powers were already taken by Aquaman.
After Squid-Boy discovers some mutilated fish by his favorite swimming spot, he goes to Jean Grey, the X-Men's resident telepath, and asks her to use her powers to locate whoever killed the fish, but Jean refuses to use her powers on anyone without their permission. Soon they discover a dog that was brutally tortured, and Jean attempts to read the dog's brain to learn what happened, but proceeds to completely lose her shit.
We're not sure if Jean's dialogue is supposed to be horrifying or arousing.
Once Jean learns that the dog was murdered by some boys who also killed the fish, the rational superhero response would have been to visit those kids and teach them that hurting animals is wrong: they are teenagers, they'll listen to anything a man who can shoot lasers from his eyes and a redhead in tight leather will tell them. But this is the X-Men, not the Super Friends, so instead, Wolverine pays the boys a visit in their treehouse and threatens to cut them with his adamantium claws.
Before Wolverine can murder anyone, however, Jean Grey shows up and uses her telepathic powers to torture the boys by making them experience all the pain they had inflicted on the animals, including what it feels like to have their arms cut off.
Wait, who are the good guys in this comic again?
So, remember when Jean lectured Squid-Boy about how unethical it would be to use her telepathic powers on anyone without their permission? Apparently psychic torture doesn't count as that. But hey, at least it served the purpose of teaching the boys a valuable lesson, right? Not really: At the end of the comic, one of the boys tosses a cat tied to a brick through a window of the X-Men's home, for which he gets sent to prison. So remember, kids, if you even think about hurting animals, the X-Men will destroy your life.
Adam would like to dedicate this article to his favorite superheroes, Jill and Gregory.
For more superhero insanity, check out 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit and 6 Psychotic Punishments Doled Out by Famous Superheroes.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Most Baffling PSA Ever: Vote Like ... Spider-Man?