The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads for Household Products

#6. Clear Eyes Drops Will Unleash Your Eye Lasers

vintageadbrowser.com
We're pretty sure that this is how Tom Cruise has sex.

The Message:

Boy, will your eyes be clear when you use these eye drops.

The Horror:

Nobody wants their eyes to be so clear that your soul literally escapes your body and jumps into the lady you were flirting with at your aerobics class. That sounds awkward. The text here seems to indicate that this was supposed to be a sexy image of a man and a woman lovingly staring into each other's eyes -- at what point was that idea scrapped and replaced by an alien mating ritual in which the male and the female grab shoulders and unite their minds in psychic pleasure?

Imagine them locked in this position for the next 45 minutes as the laser of sex between them grows more and more intense. Thank you, Clear Eyes.

#5. Myers's Rum: It's What Your Murderer Drank

vintagebooze.com
Presenting the only time someone has worn that type of coat while fully clothed.

The Message:

All the other rums taste like kiddie booze compared to Myers's Rum. Myers's Rum is so great, in fact, that it doesn't even have to submit to the most basic rules of grammar.

The Horror:

"Hey, uh, Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you maybe ... not look at the camera like you want to rape and kill us? We're trying to sell a product here, after all."

"Oh, sorry. How's this?"

"No, that's ... still no good. Make it less rapey. Tone down the rape."

"So less 'I'm going to murder you,' then?"

"Less that, more 'Please buy my product.'"

"Gotcha. How about this?"

"Maybe if we take away the coat ..."

"Nobody touches my fucking coat."

#4. Metrecal Diet Food Is Like Eating a Plate Full of Pink Paint

huffingtonpost.com
Look at those bubbles -- even the plate's trying to vomit.

The Message:

Drink Metrecal diet food instead of eating regular meals and you'll be slim in no time!

The Horror:

This looks like someone is really confused about how to drink their cough syrup. See, there's a reason why most diet supplements focus on how slim this thing will supposedly make you look and not on the product itself: Most of that shit looks gross. They could have just shown a person drinking this vile stuff from the can, but instead they decided to draw comparisons with eating a steak, thus stressing the fact that this could never pass for one in any sense. And that's probably why they felt the need to apologize for the photo in the small print:


"And we said, 'Yeah, sure, what the fuck.'"

But what elevates this from simply unpleasant to creepy is that, after being introduced in the early '60s, Metrecal was actually pulled from the shelves in the '70s after the government linked the whole liquid diet fad to 59 deaths. So this didn't just look like some killer goo from a horror movie, that's actually what it was.

#3. Vegetables Are as Fun as Robot Puke

x-factor-e.blogspot.com

The Message:

Technology has advanced to the point where you no longer have to chop and mix your own vegetables: Now they come in a box. Welcome to the fantastic world of tomorrow.

The Horror:

"Eat the vomit of Billy the vegetable-spewing robot!"

It seems like at some point this was just supposed to be a cartoonish steam shovel dumping out the vegetables, but somebody decided that wasn't kid-friendly enough. So now the steam shovel is a living being, with human teeth, no less, and you are eating the rejected contents of its own digestive system.


"You don't even want to know what we do to fruit."

Look, it's fine to put a wacky mascot in your ad, but we never want to think we're eating something from that mascot's body. Cocoa Pebbles don't insist that they're tiny dried bits of Fred Flintstone's shit. This ad was hardly the first offender, though ...

#2. Fresh Fish Oil, and We Mean Really Fresh

vintageadbrowser.com
One of those spigots is a reproductive organ, isn't it?

The Message:

This fresh fish oil is as fresh as literally tapping a freshly caught fish.

The Horror:

We have no idea how this is supposed to make the product more appealing. Not only are these children drinking fish juice directly out of faucets implanted on a giant fish, but the fish is alive, and it is watching them. Look at that eye, pointed directly at the small humans slowly emptying its own innards. Look at that mouth, wide open in terror and confusion.


And not just because of the large hook painfully inserted in it.

Look, advertisers, you're supposed to make us forget the horror involved in producing the stuff we eat, not make it worse.

#1. Shadow Children Like Sanitol

library.duke.edu
You have no idea how many tries it took for us to not write "Satanol" in this entry's title.

The Message:

Your happy little sailor will brush his teeth all day if you give him this crap.

The Horror:

A sailor, or some sort of other-dimensional shadow demon, crudely shaped into the form of a child in an effort to mock God's creations.

We honestly want to know -- what the hell is going on here? Don't tell us it's a crude racist representation of a black child. Look at the hair. Hell, even the whites of his eyes are black.

"Come on, Cracked. It's clearly just a printing error, they just reversed the colors, that's all."

OK. Sure. That's probably it. Here, let's try it the other way:

Sweet dreams.

For more insane advertisements, check out 12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares and 10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children).

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Most Unintentionally Disturbing McDonald's Ad.

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