Identity theft is one of the most widely committed crimes in the world, affecting millions of people a year in varying degrees of severity, ranging from a few unwanted pizzas on your credit card bill to landing on an international watch list for political assassins. Sometimes the crimes are so elaborate and the consequences are so strange and unpredictable that it almost makes us want to cancel all our credit cards, forfeit all our licenses and live in a hole in the earth with pillowcases full of cash, surviving entirely on boiled tree roots and stale urine.
#8. Brittany Ossenfort Gets Arrested
Living with a roommate is almost always tough. What you save on rent and groceries you lose on alone time, a lack of policing on your around-the-house nudity and a general sense of security; there's another person here who has keys and knows exactly when you sleep.
But Brittany Ossenfort thought she was past all that, and with good reason. She and her roommate, Michelle, had met through mutual friends (which is like the center tile of "Please Don't Be a Creepy Murderer" bingo), and became good friends themselves. Sure, Brittany thought it was a bit strange when Michelle started to dress like her, and had her hair dyed and styled to match Brittany's. And when Michelle got a matching tattoo on her hand, yes, a few alarm bells were probably clanging around somewhere in the back of Brittany's mind, sort of like when you get an emoticon-filled picture comment from a stranger on Facebook whose profile image is him cleaning a knife. Still, their friendship and cohabitation continued on undaunted for a year.
How soon the lessons of Single White Female are forgotten.
That all changed when Brittany Ossenfort got a call at work asking her to bail Brittany Ossenfort out of jail. Brittany briefly entertained the idea that she might be Timecopping herself, but tossed that out the window when investigators did some actual investigating and discovered that the "Brittany Ossenfort" in custody was actually Michelle, who had been arrested on prostitution charges and had given Brittany's name and information to the police. Even more sleuthing by these crackerjack investigators uncovered the fact that Michelle's real name was Richard Phillips.
Richard. Otherwise known as "Dick." Otherwise known as she used to have one.
Michelle/Richard was a transgender woman who had been living as a woman for as long as Brittany had known her. Unfortunately, even after her identity was cleared up and the police were able to agree that the real Brittany was not, in fact, the person they had arrested, Brittany's name could not be removed from the arrest record. Apparently, once an inmate is booked into a facility, whatever name that person is booked under cannot be changed or amended for any reason, even if they had their identity stolen, or had been Timecopped.
"My name? It's uh, last name 'Cop,' first name 'Time.' And they're both italicized."
Luckily, Brittany has paperwork that she can carry around with her at all times should she ever get stopped by the police.
#7. Anndorie Sachs Has a Baby
Anndorie Sachs was a mother of four enrolled at the University of Utah when she received a call from a gravely serious Child Protective Services representative informing her that she was under investigation because her newborn baby had tested positive for methamphetamines. Sachs was confused by this information, because as far as she knew, she hadn't given birth in years and had never taken methamphetamines (two things that tend to stick out in a person's memory).
"Honey, did you start taking meth and then give birth?" "No to the baby. Maybe to the meth."
When she told CPS as much, they refused to believe her, and began an in-depth investigation into her life, questioning her employers and her family, and even interrogating the four kids she had who weren't shrouded in mystery (apparently their "in-depth" investigation included scaring and intimidating young children, but not a DNA test or a medical exam). All the while, they were threatening to declare her an unfit, drug-addicted mother and take her children away.
As the investigation dragged on, it came to light that Sachs' car had recently been broken into, and her driver's license had been stolen. The thief was a pregnant meth addict who took the stolen license and marched it to the local hospital to give birth under Sachs' identity, even putting Sachs' name on the birth certificate before strolling back out into the world to continue not giving one haggard shit about the life she'd just farted into existence.
Via CBS News
Feast your eyes on the horrors of a meth addict's meticulously clean, well-furnished kitchen.
Even after this was discovered, Social Services was still unwilling to accept that Sachs wasn't the mother, though to their credit, they finally did a DNA test to prove once and for all that she wasn't. Unfortunately, for some baffling reason the hospital was still intent on sticking Sachs with the $10,000 bill for the birth (remember, that's the birth of a child who wasn't hers by a woman she didn't know). And the battle to clear her medical records may never end, because if you become a victim of medical identity theft, your personal information can be changed by the person who stole your identity. So if Meth Teeth McGee told the hospital her blood type was B, that's what Sachs' records will say from now on. More time, money and vigilance have been put into protecting Battle.net accounts than personal medical information.
"People with babies can't lie. Everyone knows that."
#6. Nicole McCabe Assassinates a War Criminal
Nicole McCabe, an Australian woman who had been living in Israel with her husband for two and half years, was six months pregnant and happily awaiting the birth of her baby when she heard over the radio that she was one of 26 people implicated in the assassination of Hamas chief Mahmoud al-Mabhouh, who was wanted by the Israeli government for murder and arms dealing. Mahmoud had been smothered to death with a pillow in his hotel room in Dubai (always a 26-man job). Despite the fact that McCabe had not left Israel in over six months (and that trip had been to Australia, not Dubai), Interpol happily added this 27-year-old pregnant lady to their most-wanted list for murdering a high-ranking war criminal with her bare hands.
"This is so sweet of you, but do you think we can make it quick? I have a murder appointment at 7."
Further investigation linked the assassination to Mossad, an elite Israeli covert force made famous by Eric Bana in Munich. In order to have access to al-Mabhouh and not be sprayed with bullets like Sonny Corleone on an infinite loop the instant they set foot in the airport, Mossad stole the passports of 26 individuals with clean records and gave them to their assassins to enter Dubai. Nicole McCabe's was just one of the passports they swiped.
"That's the one. Her eyes say 'I could kill a motherfucker,' but her hair says 'I'd rather party'."
When the plan was uncovered, however, McCabe and her fellow victims were left holding the bag. She received no help from the Australian embassy or the international community whatsoever, beyond being issued a new passport number to "protect her privacy." For all she knows, some vengeful hit squad could be waiting to car bomb her to the moon for a crime she had no part of. Even worse, her passport was never actually physically stolen -- all the information was gathered from another source somewhere in the system, meaning there was absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it.
#5. Harrun Majeed Buys Some Pizza
Harrun Majeed, a 14-year Navy veteran working toward a degree at a community college, drove out to the local Publix supermarket to buy his son a birthday cake, because when you live in a town that has a Publix, your birthday cake options are limited to either buying one from the Publix or baking one from couch stuffing and a jar of fresh tears. When he got home, he realized he had dropped his credit card somewhere along the way, and immediately got on the phone with his bank to report the loss and cancel the card.
"My last purchase? Sexy butt toys. But if you see any charges for lube, that's someone else."
However, the bank informed Majeed that his card had already been used in the time since he lost it to buy two pizzas from a restaurant in the same shopping center as the Publix, for a total of about $40. Clearly, he had dropped the card in the parking lot, and somebody had picked it up and instantly splurged on pizzas in celebration of their good fortune. Majeed called the police as soon as he got off the phone to report the fraud, and the cops drove out to the restaurant to find that, incredibly, the culprit was still there, waiting for the pizzas he had ordered.
"I believe human mortals call this a 'prank.' I also urinated on one of their child creatures."
The thief was Dr. Richard Ludwig, a dentist who was in town for his son's baseball tournament. Ludwig had a personal net worth of about $3 or 4 million, and $250 cash in his wallet at the time of his arrest for using someone else's credit card to buy two large pizzas for 40 goddamned bucks. He even signed the credit card slip with his own fucking name. It's like he was daring the police to try and explain anything he was doing.
Gah! Man, there is no way that psycho doesn't collect the teeth that he pulls.
He was charged with three felonies that could land him in jail for up to 15 years. Worse, he got called a "stupid dickhead" by a comedy website.
You're a stupid dickhead, guy.