3Russell Crowe in a College Recruitment Video
Imagine you're watching a video that starts off with a shot like this:
And soon follows it up with this exchange:
"Well, it's a strong desire. It's an urging. It's a prompting. It's an urging to ... go out and try it."
"You mean like a temptation?"
"Yes, sort of. Only it's a temptation to do right, not a temptation to do wrong."
And it takes place between these two guys:
"The urge to go out and do things. Ass things."
Yeah, we know exactly what you're thinking. This is so obviously a ... recruitment video for a Christian college? That's right: This video, entitled A Very Special Person, was produced to entice young folks to sign up for the theology program at Avondale College in Australia, a school that happens to be affiliated with the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. To represent the type of young man they were hoping to recruit, the college enlisted the services of an unknown 18-year-old actor who was just starting out his career: none other than future Academy Award winner Russell Crowe.
"Man, even I thought this was porn."
The guy in the short jorts is Crowe's former teacher, who tries to convince the youngster to follow the call of the spirit and study to become a pastor at Avondale. At first, the video almost feels cultlike in the ways it tries to recruit him. When we first meet young Russell, he's a leather-vest-wearing, motorcycle-riding sinner who has no direction in life, but after attending a theology class at Avondale, he suddenly morphs into this clean-cut dork:
Apparently, God had no strong opinions about his disastrous proto-mullet.
Near the end, he asks his teacher what the prospects are for finding a job after college. The teacher tells him not to worry about it:
"We're always seeking bright young men and women to serve in the ministry, especially right now. This church is a worldwide organization, and it's getting bigger all the time. There will always be a constant demand for workers."
"You think that girl at Avondale College was a theology student?"
So yeah, in spite of all the preaching about doing the Lord's work, it seems the only real reason Crowe wants to attend this college is to get laid.
2Michael Bolton's Winning Softball
When you think of Michael Bolton, the first thing that comes to mind is mangy hair. Second is soft rock. Third is "Why?" And then, if you haven't given up on thinking about Michael Bolton yet, softball. Wait, what? It turns out, holy shit, Michael Bolton loves him some softball. Bolton's love for softball is so strong that in 2000 he recorded a 60-minute video teaching rookies the basics of the game.
"Beautiful. Let's take one more and try not to get Michael's bludgeoned victims in the shot."
Which makes us wonder, who did he think was going to watch a softball instructional video starring Michael Bolton? Real softball players? No. Horny old ladies too shy to flip the station to Cinemax? No, Matlock was still on the air.
Questionable market research aside, Michael Bolton somehow assembled a team of mulleted softball players from his band and crew. And then, because Michael was humble, he named them the Bolton Bombers. Apparently at the point of filming they had a 67-3 record, but what do you expect when your competition is the Yanni Yankees and Kenny Loggins' Kubs?
"And that's how you adjust your testicles when they get pinched in your cup."
The whole video is pretty much a gigantic wankfest, as Michael constantly reminds us how great he is, how great his team is, how great his music is and how much money he raises for charity. In fact, it seems the only thing he doesn't brag about is scoring with chicks.
One of Michael's groupies gives him her 1870s room key.
The Bolton Bombers even demolish Michael Jordan's softball team in a charity game. So if you needed another reminder about what a disaster Jordan's baseball career was, just watch him lose to Michael friggin' Bolton.