#2. Women Prefer Wimpy Men (During a Recession, Anyway)
All our life we're taught that women prefer "alpha males," and it's not just pickup artist douchebags telling us that, but also scientists, who have the biggest incentive to tell us that this is a lie. It's something to do with confident, muscular men being better equipped to fight off invading tyrannosauruses, despite the fact that evolution hasn't caught up with the idea that these days security means being able to squeeze another thousand bucks out of your tax return.
The good news is, evidence suggests that this rule goes straight out the window in times of economic recession. Bizarrely, that's when ladies start to appreciate some sickly, shy, pasty action.
"Is the Dow plunging, or are you just happy to see me?"
Studies conducted on women attending college at first seemed to confirm what most guys have been led to believe -- women prefer strong guys with a lot of earning potential, even though women in college are working toward their own careers and won't necessarily need the protection. But when the researchers inspired fears of recession and bankruptcy in the women, they found results that completely ignore what evolution has taught us. When they compared the online dating profiles of strong, beautiful men against more normal, wimpy, "follower" men, more women thought that the latter were better to have as husbands.
So why the sudden change of heart? The researchers suggest that women consider "wimpy" men less likely to abandon them. You know, because they're lucky to have a woman in the first place. They may have less money, but they have staying power.
"Whereas my staying power is really more in the form of the herpes that I'll leave you."
The good news for all the beta males reading this is that we're in a recession right now. So go out and spread your wild oats, just as long as you're prepared for heartbreak when the economy recovers. Don't be devastated: Evolution makes women leave you.
Now go out there and crash the economy.
"So, if you look at it a certain way, we were just trying to be good wingmen."
#1. Cheery People Are Destined to Die Sooner
Despite the archetype of the dark, brooding, Johnny Depp-style hero, on average it's still the upbeat, smiling guy or girl with a healthy sense of humor who gets the dates (for you lonely types -- yes, it helps to be approachable). But they also die younger than their scowling peers.
"But if they're dead, how can I rub it in their faces when 'it gets better'?"
In probably one of the biggest studies ever done, researchers followed the lives of kids born in the 1920s until the day they died. Apart from knowing that their whole lives were just a giant experiment, they lived a pretty normal existence, and the participants involved had various personalities and attitudes. Some of them were the happy, cheerful, "cool" kids in school, while others were more reserved, shy and downright boring.
"Enjoy yourselves, sheeple. I shall live forever."
The results were surprising. When they were compiled in 2011, some 90 years after they began gathering data, scientists found that the kids who had been rated "highly cheerful" in school had gone on to die younger than the brooding ones. Why? One reason is because the happy kids wound up making riskier life choices, and you can only take so many risks before one of them puts you in the ground. The less smiley, reserved types were also less likely to make risky decisions.
"Uh, you know what, I'm gonna sit this out ..."
We're not trying to depress you here. All we're saying is that if you want to live a longer life, it helps to be miserable the whole time.
For more of what science has to say about our looks, check out 6 Ways You Can (Accidentally) Attract the Ladies and 6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Why Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez May Be the Same Person.