3Big Noses Are Healthier
People are so self-conscious about the size of their noses that, in the U.S. alone, there are 50,000 rhinoplasties done per year. When people look in the mirror every morning, it's clear that they don't want to see a whole bunch of nose staring back at them. But it seems now that cutting off your schnoz might have a negative effect on your health. And we don't just mean if you're doing it yourself.
Researchers have found that big noses give you better protection against bacteria and infections. And although you might assume that an unusually large nose would be more adept at Hoovering up large swaths of the environment, it turns out that the bigger the nose, the better it is at keeping the world out.
"Hey, I'm Lungs' friend, Oxygen, m- my name should be on the list ..."
To test this, researchers made two artificial noses, one of them 2.3 times the size of the other. They found that the bigger nose inhaled 6.5 percent fewer particles.
Wait. How would the bigger nose inhale less of anything? Well, a bigger nose doesn't mean you breathe more. You still need the same amount of air. It's just that if you have a bigger nose, it's more likely to suck in air instead of your mouth. And that's good, because your nose is designed as a filtration device, but your mouth isn't. So the further all those diseases, pollens and anthrax spores have to travel, the greater the chance that they're going to get tangled up in that jungle of nasal hair in your enormous honker.
And you don't even have to worry about breathing three months of crap because you're too lazy to change the filter.
And this even works if you're a mouth-breather. The experiment showed positive results even when the researchers had the fake-nose monstrosities suck in the air around their lips. Apparently, this is because a big nose simply gets in the way of airborne particles before they can invade your respiratory tract. If we had any sense at all, we'd be attracted to huge beak-nosed people, knowing they'll make our children more resistant to disease. But who cares about that? They look weird.
2Women Prefer Wimpy Men (During a Recession, Anyway)
All our life we're taught that women prefer "alpha males," and it's not just pickup artist douchebags telling us that, but also scientists, who have the biggest incentive to tell us that this is a lie. It's something to do with confident, muscular men being better equipped to fight off invading tyrannosauruses, despite the fact that evolution hasn't caught up with the idea that these days security means being able to squeeze another thousand bucks out of your tax return.
The good news is, evidence suggests that this rule goes straight out the window in times of economic recession. Bizarrely, that's when ladies start to appreciate some sickly, shy, pasty action.
"Is the Dow plunging, or are you just happy to see me?"
Studies conducted on women attending college at first seemed to confirm what most guys have been led to believe -- women prefer strong guys with a lot of earning potential, even though women in college are working toward their own careers and won't necessarily need the protection. But when the researchers inspired fears of recession and bankruptcy in the women, they found results that completely ignore what evolution has taught us. When they compared the online dating profiles of strong, beautiful men against more normal, wimpy, "follower" men, more women thought that the latter were better to have as husbands.
So why the sudden change of heart? The researchers suggest that women consider "wimpy" men less likely to abandon them. You know, because they're lucky to have a woman in the first place. They may have less money, but they have staying power.
"Whereas my staying power is really more in the form of the herpes that I'll leave you."
The good news for all the beta males reading this is that we're in a recession right now. So go out and spread your wild oats, just as long as you're prepared for heartbreak when the economy recovers. Don't be devastated: Evolution makes women leave you.
Now go out there and crash the economy.
"So, if you look at it a certain way, we were just trying to be good wingmen."