6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

Cracked Round-Up: Advice for Fighting Brushfires

It's that time of the year again, when the entire world west of Kansas catches on fire for weeks at a time. Since many of our readers live in affected- and soon to be affected- areas, we figured it was only responsible to give you all some tips for fighting the flames.

1. Dress only in synthetic fabrics. These will melt directly to your skin in the event of a fire, acting as a permanent rain coat once it finishes bonding to your flesh. Think of the savings!

2. Run, Scream and Jump doesn't work nearly as well as Stop, Drop and Roll. But it makes a much better spectacle for everyone else. Think about other people, for once.

3. Do Everything in Your Power to Obstruct the Fire Fighters. These are extremely skilled, well equipped professionals and they work a job that is so monotonous, you guys. The least we can do is try to entertain them by weaving in front of their hoses and spraying them with paint. Trust us, they'll be grateful.


Luke gave our week a heavy start with some non-economic explanations for China's economy. Soren got even heavier with a look at Obamacare through the lens of that dick who stole his girlfriend. Gladstone lightened the mood with some observations on how the Internet changed comedy for better (and worse). Luke McKinney dredged up the most expensive items in online gaming and John Cheese exposed the the saddest second careers of celebrities. Bucholz elevated the discourse with his own style of TED Talk and Ian Fortey closed us out with the stupidest things that offend people.

GIVE AND TAKE
5 Popular Forms of Charity (That Aren't Helping)
Give all your money to Cracked instead. We accept cash, check, or credit cards thrown into the lobby of our office.


Notable Comment: "I love when snarky hipsters write articles highlighting what everyone is doing wrong but offer no real solutions. Top 5 Useless Articles...This is what we call irresponsible "journalism" folks. And, yes...I am aware it is merely a blog but, with a readership that could really make a difference."

Okay freemind1998, just to clarify, in your little world a responsible journalist is someone who knows how to fix every single problem they report on? So no one should ever report any sort of mistake or malfeasance unless they have a better solution immediately on hand? Do you see how that might be just a teensy bit insane?



NATURAL (SUCK)LECTION
5 Ways Evolution Has Screwed Us Over
You owe us for all this crap, evolution. We'd better see some horns or retractable claws pop up in the next few thousand years.


Notable Comment: Check the comments section for alternate theories on every single one of these symbols, complete with zero citations!



FAN MADE
6 Pieces of Fan Art That Are Better Than The Original
You can pay millions of dollars for 'professionals' to half ass a job...or you can just let super motivated nerds do a better job for free.


Notable Comment: "What happened to the good ol classic posters? Chinatown, Jaws, The Rocketeer, Metropolis?

Well TunaED, intense market research showed that audiences don't respond well to things that are different in any way from the other things they've seen before.



BAD FORESIGHT
6 Utterly Insane Innovations History Was Sure Were Coming
Some people- Heinlein's and Bradbury's and Asimovs- are able to envision chunks of the future with a precision that astounds us today. These are not those stories.


Notable Comment: "The question is, how come we DON'T have these things?"


Our theory, vanhooricks, is that there's a global conspiracy to make the world twice as lame as it needs to be.



RECKLESS FILM-MAKING
5 Great Movie Scenes Made Possible by Reckless Endangerment
You can't make an omelet without breaking a few actors.


Notable Comment: "In the Australian made grindhouse film Turkey Shoot has a scene with actors running across a river while being shot at. Apparently it was cheaper using real bullets than say, anything remotely sane."

Fun fact, Icarus_Rising, that's the exact same way Cracked trains its summer interns to fetch coffee.





Daniel O'Brien
The Awful Spider-Man Movie James Cameron Almost Made
Before you complain about the rebooted Spider-man, please watch this video. It might just make you thankful for every Spidey movie you've ever seen.


YOU YOU YOU!
American History as Misunderstood by a 5-Year-Old
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, The Awkward Everyday Lives of Supernatural Beings, Movie Plots Easily Solved by Everyday Technology, If Video Game Characters Got the Deaths They Deserve and The Most Difficult Situations to Talk Your Way Out Of.
  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

7 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!