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5 Insane Real Sports They Need to Add to the Olympics

Be honest: How many Olympic events do you actually enjoy watching as sports, versus just rooting for your country? Most of us watch the Olympics just to be a part of it, the same reason lots of non-football fans watch the Super Bowl. There is no reason it needs to be like this; there are plenty of sports out there that could be added to the game to spice them up. And we're talking about real sports here, not the game of flamethrower tag we tried to get them to add last time.

#5. Sepak Takraw

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What We Have Now:

Volleyball. Eh, it's OK. It does seem like, in order to get anyone to watch it, they're having to dress the players in suspiciously ass-focused uniforms. Isn't there some way to crank up the excitement on this shit?

The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:

Sepak takraw, aka a flying spin-kick version of volleyball:

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That ball is about to kill more sperm than a whole box of condoms.

It's been played in Malaysia for hundreds of years, and its popularity spread throughout Asia when they realized that there was nothing more fun than spinning in the air to kick a tiny ball no bigger than a hacky sack into the opposing team's court. It's the kind of sport they would play in the goddamned Matrix.

Via Piximus.net
Also, to play it you can't technically have a skeleton.

There's also just three people on each team, because you need extra room to go flying across the court to dropkick the ball without accidentally kicking a teammate's head off his shoulders. It's like break dancing in the air, except instead of jumping to the music you've memorized, it's to the speeding ball coming at you at 2,000 MILES AN HOUR (estimated). The point is, it's really, really, really, really hard.

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Which might not be the right word to use with all those crotches on the screen.

Malaysia's prime minister tried to make this an Olympic sport a few years ago, but the proposal didn't really go anywhere. Are they afraid of sepak takraw? Good. They should be.

#4. Fierljeppen, aka Canal Jumping

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What We Have Now:

The pole vault. We don't deny that it takes an amazing athlete to do it, but how many of you only watch it hoping something terrible happens?

The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:

Fierljeppen, or for us English-speaking folk, canal jumping.

Via Dorpsblad.com
This is how they get to work in the Netherlands.

Fierljeppen basically is this: They have a tall pole planted in a canal, about 26 to 42 feet high, depending on the size of the balls of the contestants that day. The contestants then run up to the pole and climb up it as fast as they can while it tips to the other side, where a sand pit is waiting for them. The contestant has to jump off the pole at the last second and try to get as far as he can, and whoever gets the farthest is the winner. Sounds simple, right? Well, watch for yourself:

The guy jumps more than 65 feet from where he started, while climbing up (and falling off) a 42-foot pole. The best part of the video is how he just stood up and dove right into the canal, probably in an attempt to clean himself before the giant orgy of admiring groupies he was about to be rewarded with arrived.

Via Panoramio.com
Did the whole world declare war on testicles without telling us?

They do this annually in the Netherlands, and if you want to try it or see when and where it happens, you can find it all here. Oh, but before you start practicing this and pole-blasting yourself in the groin over and over again, keep this in mind: Right now the prize for being the winner of the national competition is nothing more than the title of Dutch Champion Canal Jumper. No money, no medal. Just a pair of bruised testicles, and probably a free beer from that one bartender who saw you on TV. We think it's high time these guys get to compete for the gold.

#3. Horse Vaulting

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What We Have Now:

Gymnastics. We suppose what they're doing is amazing to experts and, say, the parents of kids who are taking gymnastics classes. But to everyone else? It kind of just seems like really strenuous dancing.

The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:

Equestrian vaulting.

Via Gyazo.com
Now dunk that shit!

The only way to make gymnastics amazing again (besides making them do it while piloting battle mechs) is to put the athletes on speeding horses and have them do their routine on top of it. And yes, people actually do this.

If any sport on this list deserves to be in the Olympics, it's this one. Hundreds of horses from 50 countries competed at the World Equestrian Games in 2010, showing that there are quite a lot of people out there dancing around on horses right under our noses.

Via Gyazo.com
"Wait, what the hell? The scalper said it was tickets to a Knicks game."

The sport itself has an incredible history, with roots dating back to 1500 B.C. in Scandinavia and ancient Crete, back when people just assumed dying was a part of sports. Julius Caesar had vaulting at the Roman games 2,000 years ago, the knights had it in their training in the Middle Ages and it was even included in the 1920 Olympic Games. You can also join the petition here to try to get it put back in.

Why it was removed? Probably because it was making the other athletes look bad.

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