The 11 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Religious Paintings

#5. Broken Dolls by Stephen Sawyer

Art for God

The Intended Message:

"The anguish that God experiences while His children are abused is the cumulative experience of all the abused children since the beginning of time compressed into one eternal moment."

The Actual Message:

Here's a lesson for all of you aspiring artists out there: Facial expressions are really hard to get right, but are also really important. They're literally the difference between "overcome with anguish over the suffering of the innocent" and "guy in Head & Shoulders shampoo commercial."


Or if you raise the water to his shoulders, it looks like he's coming out of a pool.

According to the artist, those are the dolls of all the abused children in human history, which is honestly the saddest thing we've ever heard, but Jesus is doing a really bad job of trying to look upset. At most he seems annoyed that someone has to pick them up. This isn't Sawyer's only "Jesus chilling at the beach" painting, either:

Art for God
This probably takes place right after the heroin one.

You may have noticed that several of the paintings we've shown you are by this same artist. We promise this is the last.

#4. How to Recognize Jesus by Consuelo Udave

Goodsalt

The Intended Meaning:

Don't be fooled by false messiahs (we think).

The Actual Meaning:

There is none. We will pay you $50* if you can tell us what's going on here. We guess only real Christians can spot "the real Jesus" in this picture, because we sure can't, or even figure out why he'd be on a game show in the first place. The guy without facial hair is obviously out, but what about the other two? Is the fact that he's wearing a red shirt supposed to disqualify the one in the middle? Or is there a deeper message here we're missing? Wouldn't the real Jesus be the one who refused to appear on a game show?

*No, we won't.

#3. Via Dolorosa by Jon McNaughton

McNaughton Fine Art

The Intended Meaning:

"The man in the middle represents the modern Christian ... a man who must decide whether or not he will stand up for his Christian beliefs. Many are shouting out to tell him what to do. He raises his hand to say, 'Be silent, for I know that Jesus is the Christ!'"


"Thomas Jefferson, Osama bin Laden -- pay attention, you clowns!"

The Actual Meaning:

This is how the Bill & Ted reboot would end if it were directed by Kirk Cameron. Jesus is surrounded by a series of important historical figures who have traveled in time just to ... wait, is that Roy Orbison there between Henry VIII, Vlad the Impaler and fist-pump Hitler?


The new formation of the Traveling Wilburys?

The author of this painting is Jon McNaughton, who says that "Today, Christians are the most persecuted people in the entire world," and in his painting portrays the symbolic modern Christian as a white male in a business suit. You will be shocked to learn that his second favorite subject after Jesus is conservative politics, which leads us to the following gem ...

#2. One Nation Under God by Jon McNaughton

McNaughton Fine Art

The Intended Meaning:

Jesus was the inspiration for the Constitution.

The Actual Meaning:

Hey, remember when Jesus was president? Jon McNaughton apparently does. There's a handy interactive viewer in his website to help you identify each person in the painting and what they're meant to represent. In the Jesus-hating, socialism-loving corner in the lower right, for example, we can see College Professor holding Origin of Species, Liberal News Reporter, Satan (literally) and Unmarried Pregnant Woman.


And a dude who is about to make it rain.

President Obama is conspicuously absent, but only because the Constitution document is already depicted in the painting and McNaughton can only paint Obama if he's doing nasty things to it, as seen in his other works.

McNaughton Fine Art
"Dude! Obama! What the hell!"

#1. The Difficult Case by Nathan Greene

Nathan Greene

The Intended Meaning:

"The artist celebrates the intensity of the physician's quest under the guidance of the great healer."

The Actual Meaning:

Honestly, that doesn't look like guidance, that looks like "Ugh, not this guy again." The doctor doesn't look too thrilled to have some overbearing guy messing with his books when he's trying to concentrate. He probably wishes he was back teaching school in Boy Meets World.

Judging by the artist's other paintings, Jesus ended up sticking around the hospital for a while, interfering with the day-to-day activities of the doctors.

Nathan Greene
"This whole 'brain surgery' thing is a lot easier when someone isn't touching my shoulder."

Nathan Greene
"No, I got -- seriously, Jesus, if you could just wait outside while I work ..."

For more ridiculous pieces of "art," check out 6 Best Shenanigans Passed Off As Art and 15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Country Starlet Who Stole Her Big Hit Off a Crack Addict.

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