#2. Having a Baby While Shrimping
As you've likely gathered, this is a story about a woman giving birth on a shrimping boat, but it's less about her and the baby and more about Ed Kiesel, captain of the boat and makeshift obstetrician who delivered the child. If you're lucky enough to meet Ed Kiesel someday, he'd probably be able to pull at least one baby out of you on the spot. He's that good at delivering kids.
Cindy Preisel was working as a cook on the ship 30 miles off shore when she went into labor. Kiesel heard her screaming, coolly assessed the situation and threw down some paper towels while consulting his first aid handbook to see if there was a chapter on prying kids out of hysterical women.
"This is going to take a lot more Band-Aids."
While unaccustomed to delivering babies on his boat, or anywhere, he noticed that the baby was coming out feet first, and that was a problem. For some context, even a hospital staff will panic when a baby is breech, but Kiesel kept his cool and reached in gently during the contractions to free each of the shoulders with his fingertips. Then he had to reach inside the mother again to free the head. Keep in mind that the process is incredibly delicate, like a pulling a Jell-O mold, intact, through the sleeve of a sweater you really don't want to stretch.
When the baby was finally free, it wasn't breathing, so Kiesel flipped forward a few chapters to CPR and administered chest compressions and breaths for 25 minutes before the baby came to life. Take a minute to process how long that is. When a patient dies on the table in television shows, the other doctors will only let the really optimistic doctor pound on his chest and breathe into his mouth for around 30 seconds before pulling him away and saying "He's gone, man!" Twenty-five minutes is the length of that entire show without commercials, and Kiesel performed CPR that entire time.
Via Fox News
Well, if you want to call it that. It was mostly him screaming "Stop not breathing, asshole!"
Once the baby was breathing, Kiesel tied off the umbilical cord with twine to cut it and fashioned a baby bottle out of a soy sauce bottle because of course he did.
For his heroics under pressure, Cindy Preisel named the baby Brian Edward Preisel, because apparently she was appreciative enough to honor the man who rescued her baby, but not so appreciative that she'd make "Edward" his first name.
Which isn't all that bad, considering she formerly just knew him as "That Mustache Guy."
#1. Having Three Babies During Three Tornadoes
We're being completely serious when we say that the government needs to start keeping a close eye on Samantha Oakley in Muhlenberg County, Kentucky, because she is giving birth to supervillains.
In 2008, a doctor performed her C-section by flashlight because the power was out thanks to a massive tornado picking up and dropping everything else in town. But what at first seems miraculous takes a turn toward the ominous when we know her history of childbearing. Oakley already had two other kids, both born in the middle of tornadoes. That's right; three babies, three tornadoes.
"I gave birth to my first tornado back in 2005."
That news story only quotes the mother's word as the source of that claim, but sure enough, there are records of a tornado outbreak there in November of 2005 and another in September of 2006, just as she says. So if she's lying, then she would have had to fake the birth dates of her kids just to get herself on the local news.
And even if you don't believe in omens, you have to admit, every baby being greeted with a destructive storm is totally an omen. A bad one. Either that or the mother has the strangely specific superpower of summoning tornadoes while laying flat and screaming with labor pains.
Aftermath of the conception.
Actually, there might be an alternate explanation: The man who performed the C-section under a flashlight is using his obstetric powers to birth an army of children who can themselves harness the power of natural disasters. He's been pulling babies out of women during catastrophic storms for years. In Japan, he delivered newborns during typhoons and without the luxury of hospital equipment. His name? Dr. Richard Good. Yes, we totally believe that's your real name and not some kind of supervillain alter ego, "Dr. Dick Good."
Yeah, there's no way that face wasn't peeled off of one of his victims and worn as his own.
For more instances of real life outdoing fiction, check out 5 Bizarre Real Life Gangs That Put The Warriors to Shame and The 6 Most Incredible Real World Beast Masters.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Bizarrely Specific Haircut of Popular Paperback Writers.