In Great Britain, everyone is a film star. That's because, while Brits are only around 1 percent of the global population, they're being watched by 20 percent of the global CCTV cameras. That's more camera surveillance than even communist China. But it's not enough to just have one camera for every 14 people at the London Olympics. So LOCOG is not just installing more surveillance equipment, they're also making it smarter.
There'd better be the disembodied brain of a wounded cop controlling that thing.
The city of London is being wired up with a new range of scanners, biometric ID cards, number-plate and facial-recognition CCTV systems, disease tracking capabilities, new police control centers and checkpoints. All of which will now be under a central control, and yes, that is exactly as sinister as it sounds. This means the cameras are capable of tracking beyond one location -- no more frantically checking every screen, trying to pick up somebody who's walked out of frame. Because the computer does that for you. It can now track individual human beings from camera to camera and plot their progress, location and habits on a live, constantly updating map of Your Business.
"That's expired salsa. Twenty quid says she poops within the next half hour."
And don't think you can get away in a lucky fog or sudden drizzle. CCTV isn't nearly as effective on days when it rains (which you'll remember from our hilarious accidental missile explosion joke earlier is every single day in London), so new thermal imaging technology is being introduced to the CCTV cameras. And not just to watch for suspicious terrorist behavior, like excessive hand wringing and sinister mustache twirling -- they'll also be used to prosecute people selling counterfeit Olympics goods.
That's right: They're arming Big Brother with Predator vision just to stop people from hawking unauthorized Wenlock shirts.
"Hi kids, I'm Wenlock! YOUR WORLD WILL END IN FIRE."
Because there's such an insane demand for merchandise of that adorable angry amorphous robot with the all-seeing eye. Kids just can't get enough of him; he's like Dora the Explorer ... if she were furious, a robot and always watching you.
The organizers of the London 2012 Olympics have surrounded the stadium with a wall, which is, yeah, probably not entirely in the spirit of nations crossing borders to come together as one world community. But it's just a stupid wall, right?
Except that it's 11 miles long.
Oh, also it's electrified; touch it and you will get a 5,000-volt shock.
And it's a uniform six meters in height across its entire length, more than two meters taller than that puny one in Berlin.
Some sections have the equivalent of a slutty see-through shirt, something the Russians were always too cheap to buy.
And it's going to be patrolled by those 7,500 Royal Marines, unmanned drones, 55 dog teams, 900 day/night surveillance cameras and 1,000 armed U.S. diplomatic and FBI agents on special assignment.
Which probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal to you, until you remember that these Olympics are not being held in an empty field 200 miles from society. They're right smack in the middle of one of the largest, most populated cities on Earth. Which means that the giant, imposing, electrified and locked down Barrier of Death that comprises one of the most militarized borders in history, rivaling even the DMZ and the infamous Berlin Wall ...
... runs right through your quaint little jogging path.
For more of Cracked's Olympic coverage, check out 20 Ideas For Making the Olympics Kick Way More Ass and 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out LeBron vs. Jordan: A Non-Basketball Study .
And stop by LinkSTORM to get all your coverage of Olympic noodling.
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