On July 27, the London Olympic Games begin, and for 17 long days everyone on Earth will pretend to be interested in track. And for some reason, LOCOG (the London Organizing Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games), normally responsible for ensuring that all the events start on time and all poles are properly vaulted, have instead seized their chance to change laws, build urban fortresses, revoke civil rights and swamp the streets with enough high-tech weaponry for an Iron Man sequel. It's all in the name of anti-terrorism and public safety, of course, but the London 2012 Olympics will be the most sinister sporting event ever held outside of Battle Royale, thanks to stuff like ...
5Surface-to-Air Missiles ... on Apartment Buildings
At some point during the planning stages of this sporting event, someone in the fetid bowels of LOCOG headquarters stood up and said, "So, we've got the sod laid and ensured that we have enough seating and bathrooms. Now, how many rocket launchers do we think we need?"
New events this year include Government Helicopter Shoot and Molotov Toss.
That's right: To protect the London Olympics, they're installing high-grade surface-to-air missiles ... on top of residential buildings.
Because nothing says "this city is safe" like missiles looming over you at all times.
While other Olympics contented themselves with Tasers and stern, disapproving looks, LOCOG security hurtled screaming past the event horizon of sanity and started transforming apartment buildings into launch pads. Ostensibly, the missiles are intended for use against low-flying aircraft, such as suicide-bombing planes or those goddamn pigeons from Mary Poppins. But the residents of the Fred Wigg Tower, and several other soon-to-be-weaponized apartment buildings, probably take little solace in the fact that they'll be hosting Starstreak missiles 10 feet above their living rooms. Because even if the best case scenario plays out and missile flames don't burn their houses down, they'll still have to deal with collateral damage from an intercepted target. The remains of any stricken aircraft will have no place to fall but directly on top of residential London, gently dusting the inhabitants with a fine layer of fucked. That's all assuming, of course, that it actually works. The newest Starstreaks have zero combat efficacy data, rely heavily on operator skill and might be foiled by bad weather.
But what are the odds of bad weather happening in a place like London?