#2. "Morning Wood" Is Your Dong's Fitness Program
Depending on your perspective, the cruelest joke Mother Nature ever played on mankind was either spontaneous erections or periods. Either way, no one makes it through middle school unscathed. The one time anyone can count on their boner showing up is the morning -- which makes peeing pretty difficult for those of us who haven't mastered handstands or who don't own some kind of harness apparatus. And the a.m. rush is rough for anyone who doesn't carve out an extra few minutes to stand there screaming at their rigid wiener to relax, or swatting at it with a coat hanger.
"Honey, find my gardening shears."
So, what's the deal with that? Why would you ever get a night-boner? We know what you're thinking -- maybe you were having some kind of freaky sex dream moments earlier. But at the risk of this site winding up in some FBI database, we have to point out that babies get morning erections, too. But why?
The Surprising Truth:
Your morning wood is only one of many nightly woods. And it's just flexing to make sure everything works later.
"Don't worry, buddy. You won't disappoint Lady Sockington today."
Like your butt, your brain and your right to vote, your penis needs to exercise, and for some reason the human body has decided that the best time for that workout is every 85 minutes at night. We know that men get erections that last about 25 minutes every 85 minutes or so because there are scientists who study this sort of thing -- scientists with boner trackers.
You can buy one of your own for a mere $4,165.
Boner science calls the nightly up-down-up phenomenon "nocturnal penile tumescence," and apparently its function is maintenance. The triggers that get erections started at night don't come from the brain at all, but from the groin itself. In other words, you're not necessarily picturing anything or anyone when you get them, unlike when you get your daytime erections. And scientists think the triggers happen as a kind of self-inflicted exercise regimen -- the periodic blood flow makes your dong stronger, which means you're less likely to have a case of the limps when you don't want them.
This means that when you wake up with a boner, it doesn't really have anything to do with your general horniness or naughty dreams. You just happened to catch the little guy in mid-rep.
"Oh God, this was a terrible idea."
#1. Your Mom Pooped on You Because- Wait, What?
Yes, as we previously mentioned here, most mothers deliver more than a brand new human when giving birth. In addition to a baby, the mom usually deposits a bouncing baby dump on the delivery table as well. Which, in addition to never getting included in those wacky sitcom episodes, is a pretty sadistic move from Mother Nature. It's bad enough that human women suffer through squeezing out huge-headed babies while other species get to fart out their young on the way to the convenience store for smokes, but human moms also get the knowledge that they've defecated on their own child as well.
"Does this counts as 'regifting'?"
Oh, and you and everyone else in humanity who wasn't cut from their mom's womb get the joy of knowing their moms pooped on them. Just. Pooped. All over your face.
The Surprising Truth:
She's imprinting your insides with her own bacteria so you won't have to invent your own. And that's a good thing.
So a part of your mom does live on forever inside you.
Your colon is sterile when you're born, which leaves it basically unprotected against the various horrors that will travel through it. The exposure to your mother's fecal matter the moment you're born is custom designed to take care of this glaring error. The way it does so is the stuff of horror movies, though.
The mom's poop bacteria creeps up the child's colon and infests it. Thus, your mum's colon bacteria is stuck with you for life, which in turn greatly contributes to the smell of your own crap and even farts. As disgusting as the idea that you and your mom are poop-mates may be, it's a shitload (sorry) better than the alternative. Babies that are born via C-section -- and have therefore not been exposed to shit, vaginal mucus and all the other wonders of a traditional childbirth -- have much worse immune systems (and presumably worse-smelling farts) precisely because they weren't subjected to mom-poop and therefore have to later develop their own colon bacteria from breast milk and whatnot.
Finally, another entry for the list.
So, yeah. Say what you want about science, but we can't help but be impressed by how they're able to explain the fact that you are farting your mother's farts because she pooped on you as a good thing.
For more mysteries of your meat sack, check out 6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain and 6 Things Your Body Does Every Day (That Can Destroy You).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Fat Is Officially Incurable (According to Science)
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn the best ways to get back at your body tonight.
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