#4. Bed-Making Tools
What we love about these devices is that they're never replacing, say, a bunch of awkward tools you use now, to simplify your life. No, they're replacing things you easily did with your own hands, on the assumption that everyone has infinite space in which to store a bunch of additional plastic bullshit in their life. So, on those rare occasions you actually make your bed, where you used to simply shove your hand under the mattress, here's a big, bulky tool to do that for you.
This is the Ideaworks Bed Maker, and it can best be described as a piece of plastic with a four-directional handle, because that's what it is. It's supposed to help slip the sheet neatly under the mattress, which we kind of see happening ... provided that the entire bed is coated in Vaseline. In less kinky households, sticking a piece of seamy plastic between a piece of fabric and whatever non-slippery surface the bottom of your bed is made of will likely result in all the friction, and maybe a hole torn into your box spring below.
Also, you're much less likely to find porn this way.
This is the competing Bed Made EZ. That's right -- there are multiple players vying for this market. Or maybe there are different bed-making wedges for different situations. Hopefully somebody sells a rack where we can store and organize all of our bed-making tools nearby.
#3. The Booty Wrap
As we have pointed out before, much of the women's clothing industry involves inventing pointless layers for them to wear in order to force them to buy more items. So, some designer saw a woman leaving the gym and tying her sweatshirt around her waist and thought, "Son of a bitch, why was she not made to pay extra for that functionality?"
And thus the Booty Wrap was born -- you take the shirt that women sometimes tie around their waists and remove its ability to function as a shirt. It has a couple of pockets for keeping stuff in and it's shaped kind of like a hoodie ... and, well, that's it.
"Seriously? Is this what you're trying to sell people? Just take the picture and I'll call my agent."
And you get all that for only $39.99!
#2. Lobob Soft Contact Insertion/Removal Kit
When first learning to wear contact lenses, most of us find it hard enough to get used to touching our eyes to put them in and take them out. We can't imagine that using a grabby tool to do it would be any easier.
Here's Lobob contact lens insertion/removal kit, stating its case to the contrary:
Oh, that looks much less terrifying than fingers alone.
Gah! Objection! That's like sticking a piece of chalk in your eye. And that's just the insertion tool. For removal, they have pincers:
If you think these are good ideas, you probably don't deserve eyes.
The product's marketing pitch states that using these tools is much better than using your "rough, inept fingers." Well, that changes everything -- we didn't realize our fingers suddenly become less inept when we use them to clumsily hold a plastic tool that's headed for our eyes.
#1. Butter Mill/Butter Cutter
Pepper mills stand proud among the handier kitchen gadgets; not only is their twisting motion curiously satisfying, the taste and tang of freshly ground black pepper is head and shoulders above the pre-ground stuff. Or at least there's some kind of placebo effect there, because it makes us feel so fancy.
So it comes as no surprise that the mill technique has been applied to other edibles. There are mills for salt, and herbs, and chili ... and, of course, butter. Um, what was that last thing?
Yes, people who feel intimidated by butter knives and common sense -- the Butter Mill is very much a thing. You load in a whole stick of butter and then press the plunger, thus ejaculating a ribbon of butter up to 10 feet long.
Because, let's be honest here -- who doesn't need 10 feet of butter?
This one comes with different patterns, not unlike your old Play-Doh Fun Factory.
Should you for some reason prefer more reasonable amounts of the stuff, there's always the One Click Butter Cutter:
Normally, putting butter on your toast involves getting a stick of butter and cutting a slice with a knife. Here's how you use the Butter Cutter:
So if we just set the timer, can it record Game of Thrones for us, too?
Yes, there's five steps you must take before you get to the actual butter cutting.
But again, how else are you going to fill all of that extra space in your gigantic kitchen? This will look great right next to your lime wedge inserter, ham dogger, salad dressing bottle shaking machine, spoon warmer and banana peeling centrifuge.
Tracy's started a Tumblr here, although she has so few followers that it's really kind of pathetic.
For more impractical items, check out The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy and 9 Self-Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Terrible Director Choices for Famous Movie Remakes