In a world where blankets with sleeves can create millionaires, it's no wonder inventors and businessmen are locked in a race to develop the next big thing in the lucrative "They really pay money for this?" industry. We don't hold that against them -- the entire world economy runs on that crap.
What's harder to comprehend, though, is how they poker-facedly try to sell us gadgets that actually manage to complicate the task they're intended to help with. Like ...
#9. The Wine Glass Holder Necklace
Apparently, there is a type of person whose weak arm strength constantly stands in the way of their social alcoholism. Manufacturers have rushed in to cater to the needs of this small, sad segment with a variety of holders that suspend your drink from your neck.
Or it might be tiny underwear for your glass. We're not sure.
Apart from the obvious fact that using this product makes you look like a particularly boozy latchkey kid, there are just so many things that can go wrong here. You're placing a glass of notoriously staining substance in the immediate vicinity of your best wine-sippin' shirt, swinging in a pendulous, spill-seeking motion at the slightest movement of your body. Literally anyone at the party -- and we generously assume you're at a party instead of using this thing at home alone -- can trip and fall on you, shattering the glass and perforating your sternum with a hundred shards of chardonnay-flavored pain. Though the one thing you don't have to worry about is anyone trying to hug you. Ever again.
Ever wanted to know what it's like to be pitied by career alcoholics? Now you can!
Even if you manage to dodge all the other pitfalls provided by the product, there's this: How the hell do you drink from this thing? Do you wrestle the glass from the contraption every time you want a sip? Do you use a long bendy straw? Or bring the thing to your lips with strings attached, making you look like the world's only drinker with training wheels?
#8. The Snowball Maker
Everyone loves a good snowball fight. It's just that the actual making of snowballs can be a bit of a bastard. You know: Taking the snow in your hands, squeezing it just so until it reaches the perfect shape and hardness for some kickass winter warfare ... no, sorry, that's actually the best part.
Regardless, there are people who view it as a terrible nuisance, or maybe find themselves constantly frustrated with the poor quality of their snowballs. These people are the masterminds behind the Sno-Baller snowball maker, an unholy, plier-like contraption that seems way more likely to take a person's eye out than the snowballs it produces.
The balls are pleasantly round, though.
Even the manufacturer seems to realize that this is something no kid in history has ever needed. Therefore, Sno-Baller's selling point is not that the balls are easier to make with it, but that the balls it makes are soft and "disintegrate on contact."
So, not only will your kid be the joke of the neighborhood, but he won't even be able to shut his mockers up with a neat, properly squeezed hardball.
#7. Ham Dogger Hot-Dog-Shaped Hamburger Maker
You know that awkward situation where you want to make both hot dogs and burgers but just can't stand the idea of fashioning hamburger into patties? Of course you don't. Nobody does. But don't let that sobering fact on to the people behind the Kitchen Art Ham Dogger -- the revolutionary product that molds hamburger into a hot dog shape.
We guess someone in the annals of history might've faced a situation where they only had hot dog buns, yet absolutely needed to have hamburgers right the hell now. But even then, that shape happens to be the easiest shape to mold anything into. We're not kidding -- give a 4-year-old some Play-Doh and watch him immediately roll it on the table into a sausage shape.
Thanks to the Ham Dogger, Steve is no longer ashamed of his ham dogs!
#6. The Dipr Cookie-Dunking Utensil
One evening, as inventor Bobby Haleluk was dipping a cookie in milk, he mistimed the dunk and the cookie fell into the milk. He fell to his knees and howled a big "NOOOOOO" at the uncaring sky, enraged that the universe could be so cruel.
The next day, he created the Dipr.
And on the seventh day, He made them in wacky animal shapes.
From the unnecessarily hip name to the design that makes it look worryingly like a dentist's instrument, it's clear that the Dipr has some way to go if it wants to become the Next Big Thing. The fact that it manages to overcomplicate the only task it's suitable for -- dunking Oreos -- doesn't help matters.
Here's how dunking works normally: You take the cookie. You dip it in milk. You eat it. With the Dipr, you take the cookie. Then, you go find your Dipr in your kitchen's bullshit drawer. Then, you painstakingly attach said cookie to the hook of the Dipr. Then, you awkwardly use the Dipr for the dunking. And then ... well, we're not actually sure about the next step. Are you supposed to remove the Oreo from the Dipr before eating, creating an additional step where you will almost certainly drop the cookie? Or do you stick it in your mouth still attached, thus stabbing the inside of your cheek with that hook thing?
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"
#5. The Lime Bomber Lime Wedge Bottle Insertion Tool
To all the people out there fighting a daily, hopeless fight to get that wedge of lime into your Mexican beer, let us be the bringer of salvation: The Lime Bomber is here.
What do you mean, you've been doing it with your finger all these years, without the aid of a special tool that presumably must be kept in some kind of holster? Well, you must be some manner of professional.
For the rest of you mortals, here's a dumb thing.
The Lime Bomber consists of a plastic poking thing and a bottle-shaped cap to keep the beer from spilling over. You put the cap on first, then use the poking thing to shove the lime down into the beer -- thus adding a nice extra step to what could be achieved with a simple motion of a finger.
What's more, since the cap is designed like a bottle that goes over the actual bottle, their shapes and sizes had better be compatible or you're screwed. In the worst case scenario, the Lime Bomber might even get stuck over the too-large bottle, actually preventing you from drinking the beer.
"I want a product that makes drinking more complicated AND adds to the things I can lose." - Fucking Nobody
Also, we don't care if you are drinking at a gathering of sworn pacifists, pulling this thing out every time you open a new beer will result in a beating.