#2. Those Huge Cellphone Bills Were from Calling My Boyfriend, Who Is on a Secret Mission
Politicians abusing their expense accounts is nothing new, from U.S. senators paying for hookers to the U.K. parliamentary expenses scandal. But whereas most get something tangible out of their embezzlement -- a top-notch blowjob or a neatly manicured lawn, for example -- Norwegian parliament member Saera Khan went for something more ... ethereal.
Don't be impressed. She's playing Angry Birds on that thing.
In September of 2008, it emerged that Norway's parliament had refused to pay Khan's cellphone bill because the total was more than double that of any other member. So right now you're probably thinking, "Phone sex, duh," and nine times out of 10 you'd be right on the money, but Khan had in fact spent thousands of dollars calling psychic hotlines.
Not that she admitted that in public, oh no. Khan said she had a perfectly valid excuse for her sky-high phone bills. A few of them, actually.
"I like to prank call Canadians. At this point, it's sort of an addiction."
First, Khan claimed that they were due to calling her family back in Bangladesh. But investigators quickly saw right through that excuse, presumably because nobody wants to talk to their family that much. So then Khan claimed that the charges were from satellite phone calls to her boyfriend, who was a special forces soldier serving with the Norwegian army in Afghanistan. But the Norwegian army was all like, "Nuh uh. Never heard of him." So then she was all, "Oh, did I say Norwegian army? What I really meant was that he's with Britain's special forces. And he's on a totally secret foreign mission, so I totally can't tell you who he is or where or anything." But then, surprise surprise, the British ISAF responded that it's illegal for soldiers to use satellite phones when they're on commission.
"Distracted driving is a major problem for the SAS."
Finally, apparently plumb out of fictitious boyfriends, she came clean, admitting that she had spent a total of $7,750 over a three-month period calling psychic hotlines, never wondering why people with magical mind powers would have to take minimum wage jobs at a call center. She called them so often, in fact, that some of the psychics told her to stop calling.
"Sorry, ma'am, but the cosmic spirits tell me this is 'just getting sad.'"
Why someone investigating the matter couldn't have, oh, we don't know, maybe looked at the freaking phone bills to see what numbers she was calling in the first place, we're not quite sure. Maybe they should have consulted a psychic.
#1. I Needed This Gay Prostitute to Carry My Luggage
George Rekers, or "Professor George," as he likes to refer to himself, has been a prominent player in the anti-gay lobbyist scene in America for over 30 years, even serving on the board of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), an organization dedicated to the noble cause of turning gay people straight. Now that you know that, you also know what's coming next. So enjoy this photo of the good professor returning to Miami International Airport after a 10-day trip to London and Madrid with his gay prostitute pal:
Miami New Times
Remember: It's not hypocrisy if it happens in Europe.
That's right: In 2010, Professor G was caught returning from a European vacation with young Jo-Vanni Roman, whom he had hired via Rentboy.com, a website that specializes in helping its users ... rent boys, we guess?
Just so there's no misunderstanding: According to in-depth research that we at Cracked totally outsourced (really), in order to access the personal profiles of those offering their services on Rentboy.com, you have to: accept the terms and conditions; scroll through a homepage filled with looping videos of young men busily rubbing various parts of their anatomies; choose your "service" (sugar daddy, masseur, or rentboy); and choose your location. Jo-Vanni's profile was on the second page of the Miami results.
Nope. Nothing sexually suggestive here at all.
In what seems to have been the penultimate update to his personal website (the ultimate one being the announcement of his resignation from NARTH to concentrate on fighting the false allegations of homosexual behavior), the G-Man posted the following statement:
A recent article in an alternative newspaper cleverly gave false impressions of inappropriate behavior because of its misleading innuendo, incorrectly implying that Professor George Rekers used the Rentboy website to hire a prostitute to accompany him on a recent trip ... [F]ollowing medical advice Professor George Rekers requires an assistant to lift his luggage in his travels because of an ongoing condition following surgery ... Dr. Rekers found his recent travel assistant by interviewing different people who might be able to help, and did not even find out about his travel assistant's Internet advertisements offering prostitution activity until after the trip was in progress ...
Maybe the ads were different on the day he visited.
So it's all a big misunderstanding, see? George just needed a "travel assistant" to help him with his "luggage." The only possible weak point in that story is that, other than the fact that the rented boy in question confirmed that they did in fact meet via the website and that his daily job duties included nude massages -- Rekers' favorite part of which was a maneuver aptly named the "long stroke" (we'll let your imagination fill in the details on that one) -- the photograph accompanying the story clearly shows Rekers pushing the luggage through the Miami airport himself.
His boy toy was far too delicate for manual labor.
But we're going to give Professor G-Diddy the benefit of the doubt on this one. Because everyone knows that a "smooth, sweet, tight ass" and a "perfectly built 8-inch cock (uncut)" (as described in Jo-Vanni's Rentboy profile) are the main qualifications one should look for when hiring a svelte young travel assistant to "lug" one's "baggage."
Everyone does know that, right?
For more on ridiculous attempts at damage control, check out 5 Retarded Health Campaigns That Backfired (Hilariously). Or learn about the 5 Types of Scandals That Are Always Disappointing.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Found at Your Local Library: The Three Stooges Book
And stop by LinkSTORM because it's summer. And summer means ... something or other -- we're not sure.
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