#4. Anne Hathaway Has to Be in Front of Other People
Anne Hathaway has a habit of positioning herself in front of other people in her movie posters, getting to the point where sometimes her presence alone seems to make everyone around her magically turn blurry or invisible.
Usually it takes some side-boob to accomplish this effect in real life.
This makes sense now that she's a big star, but she's actually been doing this since her very first movie roles: In the Princess Diaries series, Hathaway consistently managed to plant herself in front of Julie Andrews, despite not being the one who was in Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music.
"Can we make the title go behind me, too? On the back of the poster?"
In fact, if you look at all her breakout roles, it's like she's literally pushing her way to prominence. In her first serious role, Nicholas Nickleby, she somehow ended up in front of everyone else (even the main character, technically).
In Becoming Jane, she appears to be pushing her co-star out of the poster, and then in Get Smart, her first action role, the entire theme of the marketing campaign was her and Steve Carrell competing to be on front.
The winner gets to play Catwoman.
And finally, she's the only distinguishable face in Rachel Getting Married, in which she plays a self-centered maid of honor who makes her sister's wedding all about her. So apparently the poster is just her in the process of ruining a wedding photo with her face.
The result? Her first Oscar nomination. There's still time for her to put herself in front of Batman in the next Dark Knight Rises poster and get a Lifetime Achievement Award.
#3. Steve Martin Has No Idea What the Hell Is Going On
Since the '70s, Steve Martin has been doing that thing where he's in some sort of outrageous situation and, judging by the look on his face, expects you to explain to him how he got there.
"Well? I'm waiting."
However, the Steve Martin quizzical stare is not as simple as it seems: There are many ingredients to it. For an optimal result, make sure to position yourself to the left of someone, preferably a woman, preferably named Goldie Hawn.
If you can't afford Goldie Hawn, wait a few more years on Kate Hudson.
Next, open your eyes wide and tilt to the left ...
... and finally, make sure that the person to your right is trying to touch you and looks way too excited to be there.
It's telling that he apparently considers Queen Latifah more repulsive than John Candy.
Congratulations! You are now a Steve Martin poster. Feel free to add brides/babies at your convenience.
And age backward, while you're at it.
#2. Kevin Bacon Stares into Your Soul
When Kevin Bacon started out in Hollywood, he was the typical teenage heartthrob who enchanted women and confused men, and as such he perfected the art of the intense stare:
"I've eyes only for you, half-naked Cheeto man."
The problem was, as time went by and Bacon got older and slightly creepier, he no longer got the same type of parts ... but he never stopped doing the stare.
For anyone but a movie star, that look means a one-way trip to the sex offender registry.
He just ...
... kept ...
... doing it.
Bacon doesn't even appear in that last film -- he just showed up in the picture, like the kid in Three Men and a Baby. The upside is that by now you can just take a picture of Kevin Bacon, add some weird shit around it and bam, you've got yourself a horror picture.
"How did it look? Was that sexy? Hey, this is a romantic comedy, right?" "Y-yes."
#1. Jack Nicholson Really Wants to Show You His Teeth
Jack Nicholson has arguably the most famous set of teeth on the planet. Think back to the most iconic roles in his career and you'll notice a pattern: They all grinned like complete maniacs.
And they were all that, but we're sure that's just a coincidence.
The problem is that Nicholson's teeth are such a big audience draw that his posters often show him smiling in situations where no one would ever be that thrilled, like when they're going to hang him in Goin' South ...
If we hadn't seen the movie, we'd assume it was about auto-erotic asphyxiation.
... or when he's literally living in the Great Depression in Ironweed ...
"No, this is my sad face."
... or when he's trapped in a nuthouse where they're going to fry his brains in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ...
Which has a lot of ...
... interesting posters.
... or, hell, when he's just straight up gonna die in The Bucket List.
Our bucket list just involves being in the same room as Morgan Freeman.
Of course, looking at As Good as It Gets and The Bucket List up there begs another question -- how long has it been since Nicholson changed his sunglasses? Or does he have to wear them all the time now because otherwise the white of his teeth would blind him?
Maybe he and Jet Li should trade.
For more reasons to shake your head slowly at celebrities, check out The 6 Most Misguided Causes Ever Made Famous by Celebrities and 5 Bizarre Outbursts By Celebrities You Thought Were Sane.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Baffling New Trend in Movie Poster Design
And stop by LinkSTORM to get your week off to a bitchin' start.
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