Sure, science fiction is full of horrifying genetic experiments gone wrong, but in the real world, manipulating DNA can result in some amazing things. Hell, the cost of testing DNA has come down so much that you can now buy a kit at Walmart for $27. Really.
So now that this technology is in the hands of the masses, we can dismiss the ridiculous fears of a Gattaca-type dystopia where our own genes can be used against us in horrifying ways. Because really, what's so horrifying about using DNA technology for ...
Finding out if your significant other is being faithful is a rough task in this day and age. Sure, you've stalked them on Facebook and secretly monitored their text messages. You've followed them around all day wearing a hat and sunglasses in a rented car, waiting to see if they smiled too much at anyone who isn't you. But if only there was some way to know for sure. Of course, the trust is already gone from the relationship and has been replaced only with bitter paranoia, and sure, you'd both be happier just parting ways. But without the help of science, how can you win that final argument?
That's why you need to head on over to Infidelity DNA Testing and hire them to carefully examine your soul mate's dirty underwear for incriminating DNA.
"We're not exploiting misery, we're just taxing paranoia!"
Infidelity DNA Testing is an easy three-step process. First, you simply steal some of your partner's unwashed underwear and send it in for a test. While you are sitting on a park bench somewhere, staring off into nothing and wondering how your life got to this point, they will check the underwear for foreign DNA and offer you the final step: comparison. If there is a third set of DNA in those Underoos, you've got yourself a cheating spouse! Then you can talk it out like rational adults. Really, they'll have no choice but to be rational after you begin the conversation with "Speaking of taking out the garbage, guess whose DNA the lab found on your panties?"
"Oh I dunno, Karen, maybe it was your mother's -- wait, what?"
Oh, we should probably mention that all three steps together costs over $600. But don't worry, Infidelity DNA Testing assures you that this is way less than the cost of a private investigator. Though they conveniently fail to mention that it costs about $600 more than a simple sit-down chat with your significant other, who is undoubtedly a terrible liar.
Unless your significant other is kind of pricey, in which case you have bigger things to worry about.
It should also be mentioned that this radical "talking" method will save you from having to say the words "You think I'm crazy? Well, just to be sure, I mailed a pair of your panties to be tested for Travis' semen!" or, if they come back clean, answering the question of "What's this credit card charge for 'cheating spouse DNA panty test'?"
You wake up, head downstairs and run out the door to grab the morning paper. You feel a squish under your loafer and realize that once again, some inconsiderate douchebag allowed their filthy mutt to defecate on your lawn. You might be thinking, "If only I could get my hands on that person. Like if I could, I don't know, do a CSI-style exam on the dogshit to prove it was them. Then I'd know who to confront, and that my life had lost all meaning."
Well, hypothetical person who almost certainly doesn't have a job or hobbies or anyone who loves you, we have good news: The future has arrived, and we are finally using DNA to fight poop-related crime. That's thanks to a company named PooPrints that calls itself "the only DNA dog waste management & control program." We are willing to take their word on that.
Essentially, you're paying $90 for a cotton swab so your dog's DNA can be entered into a worldwide database. If your dog shits anywhere in the world, you can bet PooPrints will know about it.
"I've been on the run since '07, but I got a good thing going here. Please don't ruin it."
Wait a second. Why in the world would you voluntarily enter your own dog into such a database? Isn't this service to track down the neglectful free-shitters?
Well, ask Deborah Violette. She owns an apartment complex in New Hampshire and was apparently really tired of putting up with everyone's shit. Or ... everyone's dog's shit, to be more specific. She now requires everyone who owns a dog in the Timberwood Commons apartment complex to submit to a doggie DNA test so that if she finds crap on the lawn, she can gather it up and send it off to be examined by a room full of lab technicians who almost surely drink themselves to sleep every night.
"The emails they send me are always stained with tears. How is that even possible?"
Of course, as with all new scientific advances, Violette was met with some resistance. Mostly by people who think this is "completely over the top." But other apartment complexes are following suit, because these are the final days of a once-great civilization.
In an era when websites can match you to a partner based on complex algorithms, we're slowly leaving behind the savage days when you might have to go outside and actually interact with someone to find out if you're romantically compatible. But that still doesn't really feel like we've gotten all the way to a dystopian future where humans are paired and bred like cattle.
"With a one in three chance of being processed into meat, who doesn't like those odds?"
Well, they're working on it. Finally, there are services that can take your genetic profile and match you with someone who has a similar genetic profile, so that you can finally mate the way the Vulcans probably do it.
Thanks to a site called GenePartner, you can simply order their $249 GenePartner test, swab your mouth and mail the swab out to them. In two shorts weeks, they'll give you what you've always been looking for: a lab-grown clone of yourself.
"... we expect the vast majority of our sales to come from narcissistic polyamorists and gun ranges."
Oh, wait, no. They'll just match you to a genetically compatible partner. More than five sites use the GenePartner genetic matchmaking to find you true love. You can even use your genetic results to find compatible matches on Facebook. Not that they need to compare the DNA -- if you're both the type of people who think a cold calculation based on genetic makeup is the best way to find true love (to the point where you're both willing to shell out 250 bucks), you're probably already perfect for each other.
"I also disinfect my hands every time I touch another human! Do you keep your fingernail clippings in a jar?"
Of course, for scientists, it's less about love and more about preserving our species with disease-resistant children. But you shouldn't think of it that way, it kills the romance.