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5 Ways to Improve Cats

#2. Equip Cats With Real-Time Video

Cats naturally perch and observe. It all goes back to their hunting behavior in the wild. The higher a cat climbs, the more territory it can observe, and the better chance it has of spying something it can hunt. So even in your home, a cat looks for optimal places from which to sit and watch, such as a tall bookshelf or the top of your head. I'm guessing your home does not have many woodland creatures scampering about (at least let's hope). So perching is basically lost on the modern cat, which waits in vain all day for a sparrow to knock on your front door. But that doesn't mean your cat's perching can't be of some use to you.

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This is a living, pooping security system.

Equipped with a video camera, your cat can effectively spy on roommates whom you believe might be guilty of eating your Bugles or napping in your bed, which you totally know they're doing. The video feed would be hooked up to your laptop and streamed live to wherever you are. Ideally, you'd be able to control your cat's head movements remotely and issue warning meows when a roommate gets too close to your stuff. Ideally. The science just isn't there yet.

#1. Hire Morgan Freeman to Narrate a Documentary About Cats

Did anyone care about penguins before Morgan Freeman narrated that March of the Penguins documentary? No. No one did, except that weird girl at your school who wanted to be marine biologist. There was a reason no one cared. Penguins are flightless sea birds that live in an unforgiving climate whose main goal in life is not to become killer whale snacks. They're useless. Who cares? But now EVERYONE loves the penguins, and it's all Morgan Freeman's fault. Add Morgan Freeman's voice to video of anything and people will fall in love with it, be it the penguins or the Luftwaffe.

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March of the Penguinazis debuts this summer.

Read this description of cats (filched from Encyclopedia Brittanica) with Morgan Freeman's voice in your head:

The house cat is a domesticated member of the family Felidae, order Carnivora, and the smallest member of that family. Like all felids, domestic cats are characterized by supple, low-slung bodies, finely molded heads, long tails that aid in balance and specialized teeth and claws that adapt them admirably to a life of active hunting. Domestic cats possess other features of their wild relatives in being basically carnivorous, remarkably agile and powerful, and finely coordinated in movement.


Now imagine him saying, "Who's a cute widdle kitty? You is! YOU IS!" in the highest tone possible.

Morgan Freeman!

Damn it.

For more on feline love, check out 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations and 6 Cats More Badass Than You (And Most Superheroes).

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