We're all for labor-saving devices. As far as we're concerned, the highest goal of science is to help us shirk our daily responsibilities. But there comes a point where making your life easier just isn't worth the humiliation.
All of these products have rocketed past that point, screaming and entirely without pants, using their clown shoes like rudders to steer the embarrassment missile that they have become.
There is a fine line with sagging trousers. They must hang low enough to upset your parents and impress the other 14-year-olds, but not so low that they'll fall down and reveal the thing you're attempting to compensate for. Regular belts just don't do the trick; what you need is a way to keep your saggy pants up where you say they belong, not where The Man with his fascist "belts" and "waists" wants them.
This is the Almost Balls model.
Subs buckle around the waist (but, you know, in a cool way; not in some lame "belt" way), and are clipped to the top of the pants to hold them in place. The website calls them "suspenders," but that's not quite right, is it? We already have a name for a piece of fabric that straps about the waist with little dangly clips to hold up the leg coverings below.
We call that a garter belt, G-Munnee.
#10. Solar Face Shield
If you've suffered from skin cancer, have especially sensitive skin or have merely sworn a blood vendetta against the upper-worlders and their precious sunlight, the Solar Face Shield might be for you. It provides full-face, 50+ UPF protection, as well as a convenient Moleman-snout-concealing faceplate. It comes in black polka dot (for the guys), pink polka dot (for the ladies) and or Morlock polka dot (for the Morlocks).
Isn't that the guy who pulled the trigger on the Death Star?
Protecting yourself against skin cancer is important, but there are myriad better ways to do it -- sunblocks, hats, umbrellas -- that don't involve the caustic mockery of strangers and the occasional panicked call to the CDC. In a surprisingly honest (if somewhat ill-advised) marketing move, the website itself even admits that when the company owner wore it in public, "... the visor made her the object of many jokes." She went on to say, however, that "it was fine," because "their day of reckoning will come," right before burrowing beneath the Earth's crust in a giant drill tank.
#9. Keyboard Quiet Cover
Are you concerned that your big, meaty fingers pounding away at the keyboard might be disturbing others? Well, we think you've got bigger problems, ugly.
But if you're still self-conscious about your keyboard racket, the Keyboard Quiet Cover is a fabric pouch that slides over your apparently solid-steel-and-wind-chime keyboard to dampen the deafening cacophony. There's even a plastic window for hunt-and-peck typists to see their fingers, or just so you can pretend your mouse is radioactive and you're the only man who can stop it before meltdown.
Though it's kind of hard to explain to your doctor why your arms are rug-burned from the elbows down.
It's not a bad idea, but they make soft-key keyboards for this very reason, and that's a lot less stupid-looking than the forearm hazmat suit. Look at that thing: It's like somebody put your hands in quarantine (and honestly, probably rightfully so; they know what you did with them).
#8. Portable Infrared Sauna
We can see the point of a sauna at home: all that rejuvenating steam without the perpetually nude human disease bags that make their homes exclusively in gym saunas. But who has the money to build a whole other special-purpose room onto their home just so they can lightly poach themselves in peace? At $399, the Fir-Real Sauna is substantially cheaper ... because it's essentially a tarp draped over a lawn chair and a wet space heater.
This isn't a symptom of the exponentially increasing stupidity of our modern world, however -- these things have actually been around for years, as seen in this Elle ad from 1964.
Why do we get the feeling that James Bond is trapped in that thing?
Apparently, looking like Baron Harkonnen from that Dune movie is the kind of sexy that transcends generations.
#7. Grab It Pack/Syte Shirt
We're all basically hauling around a tiny robot army: We've got our smartphones, laptops, e-readers, iPods and Roombas-with-knives-taped-to-them (for self-defense). Unless you want to start carrying a backpack just for cyberwarfare, it's kind of a pain to lug that stuff around. The Grab It Pack finally fixes all that. It lets you haul all your gadgets around in a set of custom-designed, handy pouches that -- bonus -- make you look like a Han Solo/Malcolm Reynolds cosplayer.
His entire life is spent waiting for someone to brag about something so he can tell them, "Great, kid, don't get cocky."
Surely there has to be a better way to transport our electronics without opening oneself up to endless wounded ranting from crazy-eyed Browncoats. And there is! This is the Syte shirt:
Wow, that won't get your ass kicked at all!
It lets you carry your iPad like a kangaroo with a tastefully minimalist joey. The plastic window is also "touch-through," in case you just can't get enough of sarcastic strangers poking you in the chest and asking if you get Reddit on your tits.
Umbrellas are a pain in the ass. Sure, they protect your head and shoulders from the rain, but the second the slightest breeze kicks up, you suddenly find yourself the unwitting mast for an urban sail that, best case scenario, inverts itself in your hands, and worst case scenario, flies from your grip, whips down the street and spears the Pope in the neck.
Besides, you have to dedicate a whole hand just to umbrella maintenance: Who has an entire appendage to spare these days, what with the Twitters and the Pinterests and all? Wouldn't it be great to have some kind of hands-free umbrella that could stand up to a strong wind? Good news: You can buy one today!
Bad news: It makes you look like a joke from Demolition Man.
Enter the Nubrella, an umbrella that you strap on and wear around your head and shoulders, thus freeing your hands and completely protecting you from rain, wind, cold and the love and respect of your fellow man.
"If you die on your bicycle in the middle of a thunderstorm because you didn't buy one, don't say we didn't warn you."