#3. Be Buried in Your Furniture
Nobody likes to think about dying, but it's important to be prepared when the time comes. And you can't get much more prepared than buying a casket that functions as both a piece of furniture and a constant reminder of your fragile mortality. That's the morbid logic behind Casket Furniture, a company that takes practicality to horrifying extremes and creative names to disappointing lows.
You'll need a casket sooner or later, and you need a new bookcase now. Why buy two things?
Their website informs us that their mission is to "reduce the burden of high priced funerals with unique alternatives" and to help the eventually-to-be-deceased "create with dignity a personal and peaceful experience." Then they try to sell us a combination casket/pool table for $12,000.
Of course the felt is black. Because this isn't just a novelty at all.
We can just imagine the eulogy: "And so we lay Steve to rest in the pool table he and his family cherished so much. As his loved ones try to fill the hole in their hearts (and rec room), they can take comfort in the happy memories of countless hours of billiards and that one totally sweet trick shot Steve could always nail (even though adding angles to the sides of a pool table changes the physics entirely). His eight ball may be sunk, but his cue will shine on forever in all of us."
"Looking for a new coffee table? May we recommend 'The Lenin'?"
So whether you're looking for a coffee table, an entertainment center or a bed, Casket Furniture can guarantee you a lifetime of weird looks from house guests and an eternity of therapy bills for your children. In fact, why get only one casket? You could redecorate your whole home and plan for the deaths for your entire family at the same time!
"Kids, I'm afraid I've got bad news. It's time to clean out the entertainment center."
#2. Become a Vinyl Record
If you're planning to have yourself cremated, the question of how to dispose of your ashes can be a tricky one. Maybe you're torn between scattering them at sea during an awe-inspiring sunset or placing them in an urn that your family will forever reflect on to cherish past memories. Or how about having them pressed into a limited-edition run of 30 face-meltingly righteous vinyl records that are sure to rock the eternal tits off of anyone who somehow still owns a record player in 2012?
Well, thanks to Jason Leach, founder of U.K.-based company And Vinyly, avid music lovers finally have the ability to do just that. Leach and Co. will press your ashes into vinyl records containing 24 minutes of your favorite music, a spoken recording, or complete silence, so that the listener can hear the terrifying pops and crackles created by the process of bonding your freaking cremated remains to an LP.
Now that's the artwork of someone with whom we'd trust our mortal remains.
The basic package costs approximately $4,500 and contains 30 records with the standard "Rest in Vinyl" artwork with your name, date of birth, and date of death on the cover and labels. But like any successful business, And Vinyly is all about the add-ons, which range anywhere from 250 to 10,000 pounds (or around 400 to 15,500 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, in American units). For 5,000 big ones, you can have portrait cover art commissioned by James Hague, who will add your ashes to the paint.
If you're actively planning your death, the company gives you the option of a one-hour sitting with Hague as the basis for the portrait. Otherwise, sending in the worst photo imaginable will apparently suffice.
"What's vinyl, Precious?"
For those who can't manage to muster up 24 minutes worth of dialogue, Leach's record label will gladly compose a piece of original music for around $800 per track. Though if you really hate both money and originality, for the same price you can choose one from their catalog of already-written tracks.
Assuming you have the ability to browse while having a seizure, that is.
Perhaps the granddaddy of all the add-ons offered by And Vinyly is the oh-so-cleverly-named FUNeral: The company will organize your funeral, where they promise to crack wise, embarrass someone and, of course, play your dead-body record. Because we can't imagine any scenario in which a British entrepreneur/DJ hosting a funeral, embarrassing a grieving family and making tasteless death puns about a complete stranger wouldn't work out just swimmingly.
#1. Be Eaten by Mushrooms
Green funerals are all the rage these days, since they're cheaper and friendlier to the environment. And there's no funeral greener than those planned by the Infinity Burial Project -- long story short, mushrooms feast on your rotting corpse.
The idea is that when you die, your remains are put in a Mushroom Death Suit. It sounds like something Bowser would trick Mario into wearing, but it's actually a bodysuit full of mushroom spores and a mixture of minerals and liquids designed to aid decomposition.
It works by science.
Once you're buried or, ideally, left out in an open space (forest, compost pile, neighbor's backyard, etc.), the spores will begin to consume your tender, tasty flesh. Before you know it (because you're dead), you'll have metamorphosed into a patch of mushrooms, at which point you'll presumably be eaten by some stoner hoping to trip just, like, all the balls.
The project is the brainchild of artist and inventor Jae Rhim Lee, who is also developing a unique strain of mushroom dubbed the Infinity Mushroom, which will be trained to excel at decomposing bodies. She's doing this by feeding the fungi her own body tissue and excretions, which is a polite way to say she's pooping on them.
"That's right, now who wants a mushroom Swiss burger?"
The goal of her project is to help people come to terms with death in a personal, natural way. But will it immortalize you? Well, not only is it a memorable way to go out, but just like Simba's dad, you'll also be directly contributing to the great circle of life. Plus the mushrooms absorb toxins in the soil, helping to cleanse the environment. And it's all thanks to your body, which is now part of the very Earth itself. It's kind of beautiful, actually.
Also, it comes in handy if you're into BDSM.
Of course, you could always get a friend to whip up some death-shroom poppers and secretly serve them to people you hate, then start screaming "CANNIBALS! CANNIBALS!" at them, which is beautiful in a totally different way.
For more awesome things they can do with your rotting carcass, check out The 6 Coolest Things You Can Do With Your Dead Body. Or read about the 13 Last Requests That Prove It's OK to Laugh at Dead People.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Ads That Couldn't Possibly Have Sold One Product: Viagra Man
And stop by LinkSTORM to see how your ancestors will desecrate your grave.
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