6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

Cracked Round-Up: Bar Dares Edition

It's been a rough weekend. We thought engaging the entire office in a gallon of milk drink-off would be a great idea, but then management made it a mandatory contest, and told us anyone who failed would get fired. The last twelve hours have been a smelly, moist hell. But we're comforted by the knowledge that our janitorial staff has it way worse.


Christina H opened our week with a heaping bowl of unsolved mysteries. David Wong changed how we view some of the world's most iconic figures. Soren Bowie followed up with a guide for mixing cheap beers with your devastated life while Adam Brown discussed more fun things no one enjoys. Bucholz exposed the sexism at the core of big advertising and John Cheese looked at the land mines you new parents can look forward to. Dan O'Brien closed us off with great artists who should maybe slow down for a while.



SECRET SICK
The 6 Most Terrifying Infections You Won't Believe are Real
We're this much closer to finishing our perpetual anxiety machine.


Notable Comment: "I thought Cracked was supposed to make us laugh instead of make us paranoid."

We shoot for 50/50, nervmeister.



LARCENOUS CRITTERS
The 6 Most Impressive Serial Criminals in the Animal Kingdom
Reading this article, we just can't help but think Die Hard would have been ten times more awesome with wild animals instead of Germans.


Notable Comment: "I am from Aberdeen, Scotland and the shop that the seagull steals from is my local shop. It's near quite a rough area so I can understand why he has turned to desperate measures."

You know EzraFox, people don't think enough about the role poverty plays in corrupting young seagulls.



NERD DREAMS
5 Geek Fantasies You Won't Believe You Can Buy
One day, if the universe is kind, we'll have real alien brothels.


Notable Comment: "So, is there a brothel in Nevada full of male prostitutes who would be willing to dress up as Batman? Cause that might be worth the plane ride for us ladies."

That place does exist TwentyOne21, but our editors have it booked up for the next five years.



DIE HARDS
The 6 Most Nonchalant Ways People Dodged Death Repeatedly
We're all extras in these guy's movies.


Notable Comment: "With a name like Rodney Cocks you have to either get tough or die, kind of like a boy named Sue."


Dos-Face should write a baby names book.



OUT OF CONTROL
6 Mind-Blowing Animal Infestations Straight Out of the Bible
Baboons. That's the perfect animal to guard our parking garage!


Notable Comment: "Oh god, I would have so much fun chasing those turkeys down just to kick them! I would kick them so hard."

Turkeys may look stupid, TheNerdBlind, but they're essentially velociraptors. Don't forget that.





TEAM TIGER AWESOME
Wonder Woman's Sex Tape: A Lost Episode of Superfriends
With the Avengers in the theaters, the Superfriends have to turn to less straightforward PR tactics.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Mother's Day Cards Were Honest
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ill Advised Rough Drafts of Famous Ad Campaigns, The Worst Possible Gift for a Famous Person, What Video Game Background Characters are Thinking and Old Pics That Make You Rethink Fictional Characters.
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