War is serious. War is dark, violent and terrible, and it will likely be the end of our species someday. It's a cliche, but some cliches are there for a reason: War is hell.
Or a hell of a lot of fun, depending on who you ask.
Like these guys, who liked to talk trash at global death-orgies like they were pickup basketball games at the park.
#6. "Before We're Through With Them, the Japanese Language Will Be Spoken Only in Hell."
Vice Admiral William Halsey Jr. was so primed for world war that he offered to start one himself if he didn't get it for Christmas. Needless to say, Halsey got his wish after the Japanese attacked America. When he first surveyed the damage at Pearl Harbor from his ship, the USS Enterprise, the incensed admiral fumed, "Before we're through with them, the Japanese language will be spoken only in hell."
Via Wikimedia Commons
"Hell, and large parts of California."
Halsey upheld his oath by making life on Earth hell for the Japanese for the next four years. When Japan finally surrendered to the U.S., they did so on the deck of Halsey's own flagship, the USS Missouri. No word on whether or not he gently laid his balls on the table just as they went to sign the treaty papers, so we're forced to assume that yes, he did exactly that.
They edited it out, of course. We're sure of that much.
And nobody had the nerve to say a word about it.
#5. "Surrender? Your Grandmother Should Surrender, You Bastard!"
For those of you unfamiliar with Colonel Eduardo Abaroa Hidalgo, picture Tony Montana from Scarface dressed like a Johnny Depp character.
Via Wikimedia Commons
The background is just an extreme closeup of Helena Bonham Carter.
Abaroa was a Bolivian superhero during the War of the Pacific between Chile, Bolivia and Peru. After a standoff with Chile at the Battle of Topater, an injured and outnumbered Abaroa was asked to surrender. According to the Bolivians' story, he was out of ammo and nearly dead, but still refused to give up the fight. Abaroa responded, "Surrender? Your grandmother should surrender, you bastard!" And no, that phrase isn't gaining something in translation. Even in Spanish, it means exactly what you think. Abaroa was surrounded and facing certain death, and with his last words he screamed, "Your mother!"
He died a martyr to his country and was commemorated with federal buildings, a national holiday and some seriously inappropriate stamps to put on your letters to grandma.
"Guess where I'm sticking this musket!"
#4. "I Am the Death of the Pale Faces, I Am the Killer of Romans, I Am the Scourge Sent Upon You, I Am Zarrar Ibn al-Azwar!"
In 634, the Eastern Roman Empire met with soldiers from the Rashidun Caliphate. Among them was Zarrar Ibn al-Azwar, a man whose name can only be pronounced properly with a mouthful of blood and rage-froth. Despite having the uninspiring job title of "tax collector," whenever a war broke out, Azwar was there -- charging out on the battlefield to ruin other human beings in a slightly more merciful manner than auditing. He was so damn war-crazy, in fact, that he often went into battle without armor, hence his nickname, "the half-naked warrior."
There's nothing you can do to make us imagine him any other way.
During the Battle of Ajnadayn, the Muslims were outmatched tactically, and came up with an idea as stupid as it was entirely effective: kill every one of them, one at a goddamn time. The Muslims instigated a series of duels against Byzantine officers, whose vanity would not permit them to turn down challenges, even after hearing Azwar taunting his enemies like Lord freaking Humongous: "I am the death of the Pale Faces, I am the killer of Romans, I am the scourge sent upon you, I am Zarrar Ibn al-Azwar!"
"U mad, bro?"
Azwar killed two governors and every other champion the Romans threw at him at Ajnadayn, which left the Byzantine army sorely lacking in experienced command officers. Because of this, the battle soon swung in the Caliphate's favor, eventually resulting in their full conquest of Syria and Palestine. Judging by how long those two territories remained in their hands, Zarrar Ibn al-Azwar's message is as clear today as it was 1,400 years ago: Do not mess with the Rashidun IRS.