Cracked Round-Up: Gun Control Edition

We thought breeding intelligent, living guns and then breaking them to our will was a brilliant solution to the gun control question. We assumed our electric fences and daily sheep offerings would be enough to placate them. We were fools, and now the guns contro- OH GOD, IT'S BREACHED THE COMMAND CENTER! SOMEONE CALL THE BRADY CAAAAAGH!

Gladstone started us off with a guide to stand-up comedy and a shameless plug for his own show. He then followed himself up with five life lessons from the Left 4 Dead franchise. Chris Bucholz kept the comedy train on its tracks by showing off eight filthy foreign phrases the English language needs. Soren Bowie took us on a poetic journey through the mind of a wedding dance superstar while Adam Brown looked at the ten most racist moments from the song 'Accidental Racist'. Brockway discussed how to punch writer's block in the face and Felix looked at the worst sex advice online. John Cheese closed us out with five common misconceptions that destroy computers.

GOD'S MULLIGAN

8 Animals That Are Just Lazy Combinations of Other Animals Mother Nature is a little like a kid with a huge carton of spare Lego pieces. Sooner or later, those pirates are getting mixed up with Harry Potter and that giant flying saucer.

Notable Comment: "As a redhead I want orangutan crabs just so I can boast to my friends about the giant ginger crabs I have."

Thinkingman is about to spend a lot of time single.

ARMED & HILARIOUS

6 Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Soldiers in the Middle of War When you put your hands into a bunch of goo, that a moment before was your best friend's face- then you'll know the true meaning of comedy.

Notable Comment: "ain't gonna lie - I am jealous of naked tank dude's mustache. I wish I could grow one as fancy as that."

oltorftd, a mustache like that can only grow inside a tank.

BAD DECISIONS

6 Classic Movies Made Possible by Reckless Endangerment Acting is fine and all, but it doesn't make for the kind of performance you get with good, honest terror.

Notable Comment: "great 'passion' link... I think it's far more impressive that the asst. director got hit by lightning on set... twice! When that happens on a movie set, just give up. god is clearly not happy with the film."

Either that, globalrave, or Zeus is just pissed that nobody wants to make a movie about him.

SNAKE OIL

5 Amazing Stories of One Complaint Ruining it For Everyone No man is too small to ruin something wonderful for the entire world.

Notable Comment: "A hospital in Rhode Island had to stop playing Brahms Lullaby every time a baby was born because of one woman's complaint. She herself had miscarried and felt the song was insensitive. The tradition was 10 years old, and had some great stories to go with it. One man reported that the lullaby started playing just as his father passed away, and it brought him great comfort."

That's outrageous, BamaLady. Especially since "Lullaby" was way less insensitive than the previous song they played for new births- 'Everyday Struggle' by Notorious B.I.G.

LAZY SCREAMS

The 7 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History This list makes our upcoming feature film, Bidet of Terror, seem downright promising.

Notable Comment: "If one of my hands splits off and comes to life, I really hope its my left hand, my right hand would probably run down to the police station to file sexual assault charges."

Like your left hand doesn't have any complaints, Buttfister. You made him watch.

CRACKED Staff

Trying to Explain 'Bioshock Infinite' (Isn't Worth It) Murdering cops has never been so...confusing.

YOU YOU YOU!

The 26 Stupidest Ideas You'd Use Every Day We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, The Suprising Unseen Side Video Game Levels, If Celebrity Endorsements Were Honest, Amazing / Horrifying Stats About Corporations and Real Pop Culture Predictions That Came True.