#3. Deiz -- Spot the Hermaphrodite
In Deiz, you're a high school student going through a normal school day -- or at least, what passes for normal in these games. Depending on your decisions throughout the day, you can end up having an intimate encounter with one of eight possible characters ... one of whom is a hermaphrodite. Which one? You'll only find out when it's too late.
Pretty sure there's an actual game show with the same premise.
The weirdest part of this game is that if you do everything right, it's a standard romantic comedy about a boy with a crush on a girl (who is also a critically acclaimed film director, for some reason). But if you mess up, things can go horribly, horribly wrong: For example, in one of the potential endings, you suddenly get kidnapped by a student who has been stalking you, who then proceeds to strip you naked, whip you and mock your unresponsive dong.
If your porn game makes fun of the player for not getting a boner, you're probably doing it wrong.
In the game, you have not one but two childhood friends, a guy and a girl, who help you hook up with your crush. However, one of the endings involves your male friend revealing his feelings for you by grabbing your penis, in the most awkward "game over" screen ever. And if you end up with your female friend, she also makes a move on you with her penis, as demonstrated in a scene where you become the unwitting middle ingredient in a boner sandwich.
It's nice that everyone's happy to see you, we guess.
And then there's the ending that combines almost all of the above: You and your friend (the one with only one set of genitalia, that is) are kidnapped and forced to make a gay porn movie at Taser point. This ending, by the way, was determined by a poll in the creator's DeviantArt page.
Really blew the chance to use the word "pole" there.
The game is completely free to download, but we're not sure who exactly the target audience here is. Let's say you give this a shot because you're into secret teenage hermaphrodites: You still run the risk of ending up being whipped by a girl dressed in leather and going "Aw, come on, that shit is just wrong!" And vice versa. Unless you share a very specific set of fetishes with the game's creator, this game is bound to produce more awkward moments than boners.
We hope this is admissible in court.
#2. Yume Miru Kusuri: A Drug That Makes You Dream -- Exactly That
In Yume Miru Kusuri: A Drug That Makes You Dream, you control an ordinary high school student who meets a whimsical fairy girl trying to find a way back to her fairyland. In order to help her get back home, first you have to let her acquire some fairy power from your magic mushroom. If you've been paying any attention to this article, you already know that we're talking about sperm.
"And by you, I mean your dick."
That's just the beginning, though. After a couple of situations where she more or less forces your character into awkward sex in public places (once threatening to rape you with a stick), you discover that she's not really a fairy at all, just a crazy drug addict. The "fairy dust" she keeps talking about that supposedly will return her to the fairyland is actually some sort of dangerous hallucinogen, and your character has to decide whether to try to get her off the drug and push her away or enable her fantasy. Meanwhile, more really, really inappropriate sex.
This is basically Crazy Bipolar Girlfriend: The Game.
However, the game also gives you the choice to completely ignore the "fairy" (who presumably dies from an overdose off-screen) and romance two completely normal girls from your school in alternate plots that have nothing to do with drugs. You'd think this part of the game would be less crazy than the one with the drug fairy, but you'd be wrong.
Never, ever underestimate Japan.
One of the other girls you can pursue is Aeka, a shy girl constantly tormented by bullies. As the storyline progresses, you help her deal with her personal problems, first with your penis and then by pulling a knife on the girl who bullies her. It gets worse: Once her cronies run away and the bully is no longer a threat, you ditch the knife and start choking her to death for no reason.
Japanese anti-bullying campaigns are hardcore.
But then Aeka stops you, because what you're doing is wrong -- you should be killing her together.
That's right; the end of the game is that you and your romantic interest bond by attempting to murder another student. After like 10 minutes of this, you let her go ... not because you realize how awful it would be to end another person's life, but because the bully farted in front of you.
"You ruined the moment, jerk."
#1. Hatoful Boyfriend -- A Pigeon Dating Simulator
Hatoful Boyfriend is a Japanese dating game for people who think that Japanese dating games are way too normal and logical. At least those other games star something resembling humans -- disturbingly young-looking ones, but still. Hatoful Boyfriend follows the exact same tropes, except everyone is a talking pigeon. Talking pigeons that you, a human girl, must date.
"Hato" means "pigeon" in Japanese, which ... still doesn't make any sense.
As usual, the creators have gone out of their way to come up with the most complicated back story possible to justify what was already a bizarre premise. In this world, bird flu killed off most of humanity and birds became the dominant species. The game takes place at Saint PigeoNation, an academy for gifted birds. You control the only human student, a schoolgirl in search of some bird lovin'. Every other character is represented by a photo of a real bird.
You're doing this on purpose now, aren't you, Japan?
Sometimes they have clothes on, but that doesn't really help.
Three common topics in one image: maids, cross-dressing and insanity.
Your potential paramours include a track star obsessed with pudding (not only do the birds participate in track, without flying, but they're able to outrun you), a racist aristocrat and a bookworm who turns out to be a ghost.
And then Unchained Melody starts playing, backward, as chanted by dying clowns.
But none of their stories contain as much unleaded crazy as that of Shuu, the school's antisocial yet strangely alluring doctor.
This man exudes sexuality.
At first he's dismissive of you, but if you're persistent, you can take him on a date. He seems to warm up to you after that, because on Christmas Eve he's nice enough to deliver a quill pen and a roast bird dinner to your cave (oh right, you live in a cave, for reasons that are never explained). It's a nice gesture from a -- wait, hang on a second, a quill pen and a roast bird?!
Shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Turns out that Dr. Shuu is a serial killer who secretly feeds you one of your potential love interests and then just straight up murders you and keeps your decapitated head in a jar. Which raises a few important questions, like "How does a human character get overpowered by a partridge?" and "How do I rationalize this erection?"
At least you're finally gonna get some action.
The only way to face the doctor and not be murdered is apparently to befriend another bird who happens to be a sorcerer and confronts him in an epic supernatural battle, at which point the dating game seriously turns into a turn-based RPG, with HP, powers, dramatic music and a final monster boss. And pigeons, of course.
Hey, they know what their customers came for.
You can read more from Mark at Zug, where he writes erotic fan fiction and explores the terrible world of men's rights activists. In addition to playing baffling Japanese games for educational purposes, Dustin Koski also writes for TopTenz. Check it out!
For more Japaninsanity (shut up, we're working on it), check out 5 Most Terrifyingly Homoerotic Japanese Music Videos and 8 Humiliating Japanese Ads Starring Oscar Nominees.