4My Girlfriend Is the President -- Your Girlfriend Is the President
If you've always wished your porn games had more political debates and international diplomatic impasses in them, My Girlfriend Is the President is the game for you. The plot starts when an alien spaceship crashes into the White House and kills the entire Japanese government (yeah, the game can't quite decide what continent it takes place on). To cover up the disaster, the alien in the spaceship brainwashes the entire planet into thinking the president is actually a random teenage girl ... who happens to be your next door neighbor.
It's still more plausible than Ron Paul getting elected.
Since you're the only one who knows the truth, the alien names you vice president. At this point, you reach that important moment in every young man's life when you must decide whether to pursue romance with the president, your other neighbor (and childhood friend) turned chief of staff, a female version of Vladimir Putin ("Russian President Putina") or the physical embodiment of the alien spaceship. All of whom look like 12-year-old girls.
A hard 12, but still.
As far as we know, this is the only dating game where your objectives include solving a missile crisis in North Korea (which isn't even a metaphor for boners), dealing with the political tensions between Japan and Russia (caused by the fact that both presidents have a crush on you) and still finding time to spy on the girls as they're bathing nude together. Thankfully, you have a squad of crack commandos at your disposal to help you with that last mission.
So this is what the guys who killed Osama do the rest of the year.
Meanwhile, you and all the other characters still have to attend high school, because, come on, you're teenagers, and not doing that would be unrealistic. The school scenes are pretty much normal, except one of the teachers is a panda with spectacles and another one is secretly an evil alien hiding under the most inconspicuous disguise ever: a combination between a child-molesting priest, Emperor Palpatine and a Nazi scientist.
So, the current Pope.
In the end, you and the girls team up to fight Evil Space Nazi Pope, and everything goes back to normal. Whether your brain will ever do the same thing remains unclear.
You will never be able to watch C-SPAN again without instantly having an orgasm.
3Deiz -- Spot the Hermaphrodite
In Deiz, you're a high school student going through a normal school day -- or at least, what passes for normal in these games. Depending on your decisions throughout the day, you can end up having an intimate encounter with one of eight possible characters ... one of whom is a hermaphrodite. Which one? You'll only find out when it's too late.
Pretty sure there's an actual game show with the same premise.
The weirdest part of this game is that if you do everything right, it's a standard romantic comedy about a boy with a crush on a girl (who is also a critically acclaimed film director, for some reason). But if you mess up, things can go horribly, horribly wrong: For example, in one of the potential endings, you suddenly get kidnapped by a student who has been stalking you, who then proceeds to strip you naked, whip you and mock your unresponsive dong.
If your porn game makes fun of the player for not getting a boner, you're probably doing it wrong.
In the game, you have not one but two childhood friends, a guy and a girl, who help you hook up with your crush. However, one of the endings involves your male friend revealing his feelings for you by grabbing your penis, in the most awkward "game over" screen ever. And if you end up with your female friend, she also makes a move on you with her penis, as demonstrated in a scene where you become the unwitting middle ingredient in a boner sandwich.
It's nice that everyone's happy to see you, we guess.
And then there's the ending that combines almost all of the above: You and your friend (the one with only one set of genitalia, that is) are kidnapped and forced to make a gay porn movie at Taser point. This ending, by the way, was determined by a poll in the creator's DeviantArt page.
Really blew the chance to use the word "pole" there.
The game is completely free to download, but we're not sure who exactly the target audience here is. Let's say you give this a shot because you're into secret teenage hermaphrodites: You still run the risk of ending up being whipped by a girl dressed in leather and going "Aw, come on, that shit is just wrong!" And vice versa. Unless you share a very specific set of fetishes with the game's creator, this game is bound to produce more awkward moments than boners.
We hope this is admissible in court.