The 6 Most Insane Video Games About Dating

Dating video games are hugely popular in Japan: They're text-heavy games where each click brings you a little closer to either getting to see some cartoon porn or ending up in a "game over" screen (and then seeing that cartoon porn on Google anyway). The stories always involve a childhood friend you secretly lust for, a wise character with glasses who gives you advice (that you secretly lust for) and, this being Japan, a healthy dose of insanity.

Some of these games take that last part a little too far, though, leading to some very confusing boners. Like ...

#6. School Days -- Piss Off Your Girlfriend, Cause a Bloodbath

School Days is a popular erotic "visual novel" that inspired various spin-offs across different media -- including Cross Days, the game you can play with a literal cock control and which outs you as a pervert if you try to pirate it. In School Days, your character is a kid named Makoto who gets involved in a romantic triangle with two classmates that you have to get him out of without breaking the hearts of either of the girls ... because if you do, then shit gets real.


You can find the whole scene here if you want to see it in all its glory (you really do).

That's what happens if you string along one of the girls but then start seeing the other one on the side -- the first girl catches wind of it and kills her rival with a hacksaw. When you think about it, this means that even the "happy" endings are secretly terrifying, because you're now either dating or good friends with a potential psychopath waiting to snap.


The cover gives no indication of this, but you should know better than that anyway.

If, instead of cheating on the first girl, you actually break up with her to date the other one guilt-free, then the one you just dumped jumps off a bridge and lands headfirst on the cement right in front of you both. Even if you try to do things right, you still wind up soaked in blood.


"Oh hey, I didn't see you guys there, wow, this is awk-"

School Days was so popular that they even released a version for PlayStation 2 that censored all the porn scenes ... but made up for it by adding even more violent endings. For example, if you stick with the first girl and ignore the other one, then at the end of the game she pushes your girlfriend in front of an oncoming train, leaving you holding her disembodied hand.

In another possible ending, it's both girls who are run over by the train (after one tries to kill the other), and in another one, it's you. As if to acknowledge that the bad endings that you get if you play the game wrong are the most popular feature, the 2007 School Days anime adaptation ends with the protagonist decapitated and his girlfriend dead. That's like doing a Super Mario Bros. cartoon where Mario falls off a cliff and dies horribly, or a Zelda movie that's just Link being continuously attacked by chickens.

#5. Let's Meow Meow! -- A Game About Sex With Cat People

You could probably guess the entire plot of Let's Meow Meow! just from the title and the fact that it's from Japan ... but we're going to tell it to you anyway (because we hate you). The setup is that your character in the game has always been nice to stray cats, so one day he's rewarded by a powerful cat god who offers to grant him one wish. Naturally, he asks for a cat-girl who will have sex with him, because what other reason could there be for not being a dick to animals?


We're on to you, cat owners.

A few days later, he receives a nude cat-girl in a box -- not a real girl in a cat costume, but some sort of cat/human hybrid worthy of Dr. Moreau. The cat-girl is also a maid (because those are legally required to appear in these games), and as soon as she's out of the box, she immediately proceeds to give your character a blowjob. If you still feel like you need to play this game after that, there are plenty more surprises in store. Several other animal-human aberrations somehow end up in your house, too, including a literal Playboy bunny:


Her real ears.

A half-dog cop girl who dresses like a Nazi:


Three common fantasies in one!

And in case the whole "interspecies sex" thing is creeping you out, another cat-girl who is actually a robot designed to look like one:


Right, like we've never heard the "Officer, she said she was a cat robot!" excuse before.

Finally, there's a human girl (your childhood friend) who "just happens to like wearing cat ears and a tail during sex." See, that was the only excuse you needed. They could have all been real women who enjoy disguising themselves as animals, and the sex scenes would have been exactly the same. There was no reason to involve cat gods, robots and mutants from another dimension. You had other options here.


"It's not really something we can control." -- Japan

And it's not like you can pretend they're real women who are into intricate role-playing -- each of the "girls" has the traits and personality of her respective animal, as if to remind you that, yes, you paid for a game where you pretend to have sex with humanoid animals.

#4. My Girlfriend Is the President -- Your Girlfriend Is the President

If you've always wished your porn games had more political debates and international diplomatic impasses in them, My Girlfriend Is the President is the game for you. The plot starts when an alien spaceship crashes into the White House and kills the entire Japanese government (yeah, the game can't quite decide what continent it takes place on). To cover up the disaster, the alien in the spaceship brainwashes the entire planet into thinking the president is actually a random teenage girl ... who happens to be your next door neighbor.


It's still more plausible than Ron Paul getting elected.

Since you're the only one who knows the truth, the alien names you vice president. At this point, you reach that important moment in every young man's life when you must decide whether to pursue romance with the president, your other neighbor (and childhood friend) turned chief of staff, a female version of Vladimir Putin ("Russian President Putina") or the physical embodiment of the alien spaceship. All of whom look like 12-year-old girls.


A hard 12, but still.

As far as we know, this is the only dating game where your objectives include solving a missile crisis in North Korea (which isn't even a metaphor for boners), dealing with the political tensions between Japan and Russia (caused by the fact that both presidents have a crush on you) and still finding time to spy on the girls as they're bathing nude together. Thankfully, you have a squad of crack commandos at your disposal to help you with that last mission.


So this is what the guys who killed Osama do the rest of the year.

Meanwhile, you and all the other characters still have to attend high school, because, come on, you're teenagers, and not doing that would be unrealistic. The school scenes are pretty much normal, except one of the teachers is a panda with spectacles and another one is secretly an evil alien hiding under the most inconspicuous disguise ever: a combination between a child-molesting priest, Emperor Palpatine and a Nazi scientist.


So, the current Pope.

In the end, you and the girls team up to fight Evil Space Nazi Pope, and everything goes back to normal. Whether your brain will ever do the same thing remains unclear.


You will never be able to watch C-SPAN again without instantly having an orgasm.

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