#3. Cubivore: Survival of the Fittest: The Geometric Animal Breeding Game
Animal Leader was a game developed by Nintendo for the Nintendo 64 console that was so bizarre, they decided they wouldn't even bother trying to sell it outside Japan. However, the game was later picked up and translated by another company for the GameCube, and they renamed it Cubivore: Survival of the Fittest, since it's supposed to be based on the concept of natural selection (if Darwin had been extremely high when he came up with it, or just Japanese).
The game is perfectly summed up by its trailer, where we can see a group of little cube-shaped pigs peacefully playing together ...
Japanese pork chops are shaped like Wendy's hamburgers.
... when a larger cube-beast barges in and freaking tears them apart.
Seriously, watch the trailer so you can hear the blood-curdling screams of that pig.
And then the horrifying silence as its head snaps off.
That's literally what the game is about: You start as a little cube-piglet and slowly evolve into something bigger and scarier by fighting other animals, violently ripping apart their limbs and eating them to gain their powers (if that's not how real evolution works, it should be). The objective is to become strong enough that you can take on the King of All Cubivores, eat his limbs and take his place. This game is "E for Everyone," by the way.
The only part the trailer doesn't mention is the cubic animal boning.
"So leave us alone. So I can whip out my bone. You can tell by my tone. We'll be fucking."
Seriously, once you've eaten enough body parts and completed the level, you can enter the Love Tunnel, which isn't even a euphemism, because there are literally female cube-animals waiting inside to let you penetrate them. The more "raw meat" you've collected through the stage, the sexier you are to the females and the bigger your orgy becomes.
Seven hours later ...
And that's not even the most disturbing part: Once you've literally boned yourself to death, you see the corpse of the cube-animal you were just using lying outside the Love Tunnel as you take control of their slightly more evolved offspring. From now on, we're just going to assume this is how Pokemon evolve off-camera, too.
You can't tell, but he died with a smile on his face, and a massive square boner.
#2. Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire Is All Jackie Chans, All the Time
Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan is an upgraded version of a previous Jackie Chan arcade fighting game, The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan, rereleased after people complained that the game didn't have enough Jackie Chan in it. The logical solution would have been to add Jackie Chan as a playable character, since previously you only got to fight him. However, the people who designed this game did not operate under conventional logic, but on some higher Jackie-Chan-powered level of consciousness, so they decided to add not one Jackie Chan ...
This is the "I've clearly just farted" Jackie Chan.
... or even two Jackie Chans ...
And then we have "Traffic Control" Jackie Chan.
... but three separate Mortal Kombat-style playable Jackie Chan characters with different outfits, powers and personalities.
And finally, "Fuck if I know" Jackie Chan.
And yes, you can make Jackie Chan fight Jackie Chan and then go on to fight against Jackie Chan, who incidentally is still the final boss (or rather, the three final bosses). The number of Jackie Chans in the game also corresponds with the number of Jackie Chans in the full title, The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan, which probably has some deeper meaning.
The other characters aren't actually real, but nobody ever found that out because nobody ever selected one.
The implication of all this is that in this game, Jackie Chan is omnipresent, omniscient and possibly even omnipotent. You see, unlike other fighting games, this one makes it perfectly clear when you beat Jackie Chan that you didn't actually beat Jackie Chan -- when you win a fight, he immediately jumps back, having sustained no harm, and says something like "Good fight!" or "You're getting better!" which sounds especially deranged when he's saying it to himself. Meanwhile, all the other characters simply lie on the ground in the same situation, dead or defeated.
"Good job. But evidently not good enough to dampen my enthusiasm of your 'victory.'"
And if you complete the game, the final ending for all the characters is exactly the same: Jackie Chan. Just ... just Jackie Chan.
"Finish jacking your chan, turn this game off and think hard about your choice in fetishes."
#1. Eastern Mind: The Lost Souls of Tong-Nou
The plot of Eastern Mind: The Lost Souls of Tong-Nou, a 1995 first-person point-and-click PC game, is pretty simple: Your character has lost his soul, so he borrows the soul of a friend for 49 hours and sets off to the island of Tong-Nou to recover his own. Seems pretty straightforward ... but it's not like the absolutely pants-shittingly terrifying trailer bothers to mention any of what we just said.
It's the version of The Brady Bunch they make you watch in hell.
The game itself isn't any saner. The "island" of Tong-Nou is actually a giant green glowing head floating in space, which is modeled after the lead designer of this game. You can enter the head through any orifice, so in that sense it's a good thing that he didn't decide to include his whole body, we guess.
This may be a little awkward ...
Entering the head takes you to a series of long mazes filled with Myst-type logic puzzles that lack any logic. For example, in order to get an item from a character called the King of Life (actually a floating eye-thingy), you have to throw an ant at him to make him sneeze, then you can climb inside of his mouth and meet a smaller version of him, who will ask you trivia questions. We're pretty sure they use a similar puzzle to test people for schizophrenia.
Also, apparently this is what you look like.
As you wander through the mostly empty halls inside the giant head island, you will randomly bump into a small creature who runs frantically from side to side chanting "fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun" in a high-pitched voice and giving you cryptic clues. It would be almost whimsical, if he didn't look like this:
"Dear God, man, don't pet him! He'll take your whole arm!"
Other characters include a creature named Pang-Xie who "dines on his own legs" and a beast with three minds that appears in front of you, becomes depressed and kills itself within 10 seconds. You also die constantly, by the way, but that's OK: Every time you're killed, you are reincarnated as someone else in the "Tree of Life," which actually looks like a pretty pleasant place ...
It's a geyser that ejaculates troll dolls! Run!
... until a hand grabs your face out of nowhere and instantly kills you again. You actually have nine different lives to choose from, three of which are instant deaths, if that makes any sense.
The game's creator made an even more bizarre sequel called Chu-Teng or Chuuten, but apparently nobody has played it and survived, because there's little record of it online. So what other games has this guy worked on? Well, he also helped in a little PlayStation game called LSD: Dream Emu -- wait, shit, now it all makes sense.
For more reasons we'll never fly to Japan, check out 6 Japanese Subcultures That Are Insane (Even for Japan) and 9 Beloved Characters Made Horrifying by Japan.